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A strong, humble, amazing woman wrote to me recently. She’d read my viral post Let Your Husband Be A Man and it spoke directly to her heart, but also left her with questions. Her husband had made a decision that she staunchly opposed and she was seeking Godly counsel about what to do. I could tell she was caught between a rock and a hard place, and her sincere heart-cry was to do the biblical, right thing—even if it was going to be uncomfortable. I wrote her back with the same suggestions that I’m offering you today. This isn’t going to be a post about if you should submit or why you should submit to your husband. Perhaps I’ll tackle that controversial topic another day. For now, I just want share HOW you can simply walk it out and maintain a peaceful home when your husband makes a decision you completely disagree with.
Real quick– I will tell you right here and now, that if you are in a relationship where you are being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused, now IS NOT the time for submission. Please read this post instead. I have a very different and specific message for you.
Listen, I wasn’t always the woman I am today. In fact, in many ways I was the opposite. I used to have some very different values about marriage, womanhood, and faith until I became sold out for Jesus in 2010. I did not grow up having a personal relationship with Christ, I didn’t read the whole bible until I was 27, and I spent my young adulthood as a self-proclaimed (borderline militant) feminist.
But then God intervened. Big Time. And my whole paradigm shifted.
So you can trust me when I say, I REALLY understand why the topic of submission is so hard for many women. It was for me, too. Perhaps like me you’ve been caught in the fray of your own personality- and even beliefs- feeling squelched in the name of respecting your husband and honoring God. But I’ve come out on the other side of that inner battle with such a different perspective. I’m so free now. Free from what pop culture or “religion” says, free from strife in my home, and free from myself. I get to be led by the Spirit of God in all of my relationships.
If you really struggle with this, as I did, I encourage you to seek God for wisdom on your own journey to honoring your man. He will guide you tenderly and personally– and give you revelation that will set you free, too.
He promises, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
–Jeremiah 29:13
Meanwhile, I want to give you some practical tools to help you navigate the waters of marriage when submission is hard. The very first key is to shift your focus from thinking about whatever it is you’re disagreeing about over to the things of God. The enemy loves to ensnare us in offense and distraction so we take our eyes off of Jesus. Don’t fall for his trap. Focus resolutely on the Lord, His Word, and the condition of your heart.
Here’s what I suggest:
1. Pray.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 4:6-7
Pray for your husband, yourself, and everyone else involved without agenda. Just lift everyone up to God and ask Him to bring forth His perfect will in everyone’s life. Pray for blessings and grace, healing and salvation over each person. These are the purest forms of prayer you can offer up.
2. Honor your husband.
“The wife must respect her husband.” –Ephesians 5:33b
If you have a respectful relationship with your husband and you often discuss issues and make decisions as partners, then state your case. BUT– do it respectfully, unemotionally, and logically. Plan your words in advance rather than responding impulsively in the moment.
It’s also important that you pay attention to your attitude, tone, facial expressions, and body language when you communicate. The old adage “a picture is worth a thousand words” applies here. HOW you communicate will mean just as much, if not more, than WHAT you say. The more respectfully, succinctly, and thoughtfully you present your opinion, the better he will receive and consider it. Bring your ideas to him with soft, gentle eyes and a relaxed countenance.
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
-Proverbs 31:10
If you’ve already stated your case and he’s made it clear that he’s not changing his mind—it’s time to lay it down. Yes, even if you disagree. If it’s a serious matter, from here the battle should be fought in humble, pure-hearted prayer, not in the flesh.
Don’t fall into the trap of constantly bringing the issue up, don’t pester him about it, and find peace where you’re at. After all—none of us want to be the quarrelsome wife. We want to be the wife more valuable than rubies.
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”
–Proverbs 25:24
Can I be real for a sec? This may feel a bit harsh—but I believe it needs to be said:
This is NOT the time to give your husband the silent treatment, sulk, or withhold sex to make a statement. So many women use these “silent punishments” as a way to manipulate their men into complying with what they want. They defend themselves by saying they didn’t argue with their husband or explicitly disobey. I think we’re better than this. I believe the mature woman can and should rise above this behavior. And if we’re interested in obeying God and having our prayers answered—we must rise above it. I love you enough to tell you the truth: there’s a better way.
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” -1 Corinthians 7:5 (emphasis mine)
“…When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives…” –James 4:3
At the end of the day, our circumstances don’t control our happiness or our inner peace, our personal relationship with God does. Take the energy you might otherwise spend on trying to change your husband’s mind and redirect towards seeking God.
If something needs to change, let God work it out. Let God speak to and guide your husband. He can absolutely get your husband’s undivided attention if He wants to or needs to. He is the Creator of the Universe, after all.
For now, win your husband over with sacrificial respect, love, and honor. I read a book on this many years ago that kicked my butt, but taught me so much and really improved my relationship with my husband. It’s called The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. Not an easy read, but a life-changing one.
3. Seek God with everything you’ve got.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
–Matthew 6:33
Now is the time to press in to the Lord and allow Him to carry you through this season. It’s a life-changing experience to learn that He is truly all you need. Take advantage of your current difficulty, frustration, overwhelm, fear, or any other negative emotion and take it all before the throne of grace where you WILL find mercy in your time of need (Hebrews 4:16). This is between you and your Heavenly Father. And He’s been eagerly and passionately waiting to meet you in the secret place to be your everything.
Don’t ever look to a church or a Pastor for your salvation or your spiritual fulfillment.
Sunday church is more ornamental than anything else. It’s the day that we get to enjoy fellowship with other believers, but it is NOT going to lead us down the narrow path to salvation, nor is it where we should get all of our spiritual food.
My personal relationship with God is walked out daily by spending dedicated time reading my bible, praying, and worshiping God with songs of praise. And yours must be, too.
You are called to so much more than any pastor could lead you into, Friend! God wants intimate time to talk to you directly, teach you, and give you revelation via His Holy Spirit. Rather than looking to church to do any of this, go after God with everything you’ve got and make it your mission to hear His voice above anything else.
4. Work on You.
“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
-2 Corinthians 3:18
If I could only give you one piece of advice for submitting, even when you disagree with your husband, it would be this: ask God to purify your heart and lead you into peace– and don’t stop asking until it’s done. Let the cry of your heart be that God would lead you into a level of healing you’ve never experienced before.
The last thing I want is for you to become bitter on this subject or any other. And in our culture today, I’m deeply concerned for the church. Jesus Christ wants and deserves a pure-hearted bride. He died for her. We owe it to Him to seek a pure heart and a cleansed soul.
The fact is that God may not change our circumstances. If He doesn’t, all that remains is how we choose to respond to them. We can be angry, annoyed, and complain to our husbands until they cave and do what we want– but how does that glorify God and His work in us?
The alternative is we can yield to our husbands and choose to spend our energy on pursuing intimacy with God and peace where we are.
I, for one, am more concerned with my heart attitude towards God and others while dealing with difficult circumstances rather than my circumstances themselves. It’s a much happier place. I guarantee I spent many years railing against everything I didn’t like and it got me nowhere good.
Friend, I hope this helps! I’m sending it to you with so much hope and prayer. You are absolutely precious and I pray that God will use this season to lead you into the very powerful plans He has laying ahead for you.
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I stumbled upon your blog by searching “Respecting my husband” and this post couldn’t have been written at a better time. I feel like you are writing directly to me and I am crying through reading this whole thing. I am struggling with agreeing with my husband on his decision making and trying to let God work on my complaining heart and mouth. Thank you for being real and addressing this issue. :))
Olivia— PRAISE GOD! I live for messages like yours. I’m so glad you found this post just at the right time. PRAYERS for your marriage and family, my friend!
Blessings, Lizzie
I’ve been married for almost 9months now (we have different language, different culture and I moved to his home country). I was having a tough time with my husband the past few days because of a stupid thing I did (baking cookies when he said he will cut sugar for a week and I should not bake anything) then I was brought to your blogpost. Your post reminded me that I should submit to my husband and listen to him (most of the time he is correct and I just take things personally). I think one of the main problems with me is I tend to be prideful and focus on what I feel (my emotions) instead of focusing on why the problem occurred and how do we solve it. I was also reminded that I prayed for him and God answered my prayer and I have so much blessings to be grateful for.
Thank you for sharing this!
This is one of many I’ve read on your site tonight….. wow, I can’t believe how much everything I’ve read has spoken to me. I’m new in my walk with Christ and currently going through some struggles in my marriage, some searching lead me here to your site. Not only have I found some great things here for myself, but also great ways to put myself in her shoes. Thank you!
BLESS YOU, Nick! Keep seeking, keep growing, learn how to CHERISH your wife! God will bless everything you do: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” -1 Peter 3:7
Lizzie,
Me and My husband have been struggling the last year or so with a question of making some big changes in where we live. I have felt very inspired by God to move somewhere closer to family where we would have more support for our growing kids. He is having a hard time with it because it would mean he would be taking a massive pay cut. We will still be financially sound but it is just too much for him to do as the sole provider of our family. I have wrestled with him and with the Lord on this for quite sometime now, and I feel so confused. If the Lord wants our family to move why isn’t he helping my husband change is heart and understand his will for us?
My husband and I have been in several arguments over this topic and there have been many tears shed. I woke up this morning wondering again what I should do. How should I respond to my husband again? I am so sad that he does not see what I see.
I understand the move will be hard and it will be a sacrifice to take such a large pay cut, but I also understand that By taking a leap of faith the Lord will work out the details.
But it is not as easy for my husband to take such leaps especially when he is not feeling the same spiritual promptings as I am.
I stumbled upon your post this morning and you are a 100% complete answer to my endless prayers as of late.
I need to choose my husband first and not my desire to be right, and allow God to sort out the details in his way and in his time. I think when God sees my submission to my husband and my willingness to let him lead and guide our family he will help my husband and I see eye to eye on the right decision for our family.
Thank you for being an instrument In Gods hands and for being inspired to write this post. You are a gift and because of your willingness to follow the Lord you have blessed so many peoples lives including mine.
Thank you!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Choose peace and love. If your husband is engaging you in a tug of war, let go of the rope and just honor him. God will take care of you and He will take care of the rest. Keep your heart clean and press into God. BLESSINGS Sis!
Thankyou for this post full of truth. I have had an issue I’ve not agreed with my husband for 6 years. We’ve prayed and sought the Lord together but in the end I’ve had to grieve and submit. It has been a battle to trust the Lord and not become bitter. But the Lord is helping me. And I continue to pray for peace and grace as I continue to bless my husband and the Lord in godly submission. Please pray for us!
Lizzie,
This is my second post I’ve read regarding marriage on your blog and I love your
“keeping it real” approach. This is a hard pill to swallow, but necessary to keep a peaceful home and to show obedience to the Father.
Thanks for writing this honest post.
Submitting is tough when extended family are affected. This year after 20 years of celebrating Christmas, my husband feels he wants to do things biblically…so not pagan way…so not celebrating at all. I have seen where he is coming from and decided to submit in this. I am anxious at what the extended family will say. We are going away to avoid the issue this year. It is not easy.
Praise Yahshua and trust Him!
This is a good move on your husband’s part.
Submit with joy knowing he is listening to the heart of Yahweh.
I decided a couple of years ago to stop celebrating pagan times.
And do things Yahshua’s way instead.
My husband did not like it but I submitted to Yahshua.
And I tried to be as respectful as I could.
Sometimes we have to obey Yahweh rather than man.
But if we must disobey our husbands in order to obey Yahshua.
We must do it with respect and love.
I have had trouble at times doing this.
But Yahshua is faithful and gives me strength daily to obey His word.
I am not perfect yet in this area but I am trying.
And I pray daily for His guidance and help.
I have church at home with my children.
We have been worshipping on the actual Sabbath the seventh day of the week not the first.
Acts 18:4
Praise Yahshua for truth!
The fourth commandment is not abolished Matt.5:17
Anyway I pray my husband will see the truth.
Until then I will do what Yahshua wants me too and obey Him.
And be obedient to my husband as long as it does not go against the Bible.
It’s hard sometimes because my husband thinks I’m not being submitted when I obey Yahweh rather than him.
I try to be respectful when I must choose Yahweh over him.
Anyway I pray you will see the blessing you have in your husband.
I long for my husband to believe the way I do!
But I too must count my blessings and am thankful that at least he does his best to provide for me.
And is supportive of me in other things.
Such as letting me headcover (1 Corinthians 11)
and stay at home with our children.
Praise Yahshua for sweet hubby!Praise Him also for the blessing of prayer!
I know when my husband doesn’t listen I can always go to Yahshua in prayer.
Knowing that I will find help in the time of need!☺️
This article really helped me. Thank you so much for helping so many women out there with these anointed words.
Lizzie, thank you so much for writing this. It is such a timely word for a circumstance that is playing out in my marriage. I have been desperate to hear God and find peace and my search led me to your post via Pinterest. Every word you’ve shared is so real for me right now, it’s as if you are in my home. God has used you to touch a life all the way in Kenya (Africa)!
Irene— Thank you SO MUCH for your message! I’m incredibly blessed that God used me to help you! You are precious to Him and to me! Many blessings on your household, my sister!
What an amazing blog post. God helps us find the answer to our questions in exactly the moment we need to find them. I am printing your post out to continue to remind me what I need to hear and know. Thanks!
Thanks immensely for this post
Am short of words
May the lord bless you more
My family has been going to a Fundamentalist Baptist church. The pastor cannot be questioned about anything. He has a short fuse, and uses the pulpit as a platform to attack. He teaches that any problems in a marriage are because of an unsubmissive wife, and that a man should lead by making her life difficult until she does everything he wants. He and my husband decided together to put 5 of my children in a church school the pastor started last year. My husband pulled out his retirement to pay for it (my 5 kids were 1/3 of the school, so they needed the money). The pastor gave the kids gift cards if they allowed him to pull out their loose teeth. Sounds creepy to me. My husband has become a completely different person since we began going here. He refuses to try another church, or even to give me permission to go to another church. I am told which version of the Bible to use (King James Only), and how to please God (by obeying every order my husband gives me). The only submission this church teaches is that a wife is in complete submission to her husband or she is disobeying God. There is no mutual submission, and the church has chosen not to submit to laws the pastor feels are “stupid” (i.e. non cdl-licensed drivers are allowed to drive the church buses). All I hear is submit, submit, submit. It must be immediate, unquestioning, and with the right attitude.
Jennifer– I’m so honored by your vulnerability and willingness to share here. I’ve been thinking about your comment for a few hours and prayerfully considering how to respond. I see you’re in Waco! I’m in San Antonio— I WISH we could hang out! 🙂 🙂 I have to tell you in vulnerability, I would REALLY struggle in your shoes. I have endless compassion for the marriage circumstances you are dealing with and I’ll be the first to admit, I’d be sunk without God’s intervention and love.
The first thing I feel led to say is that this framework for marriage that you have described IS NOT how God intended us to live. As you put it– there’s no mutual submission which I agree the Word makes so very clear. In a Godly marriage there is mutual submission, sacrificial love, and partnership. I have come to understand God’s call for a woman to submit to/respect her husband (and a husband to love his wife) to me more about sacrificially meeting each other’s needs as the Creator designed us than about a set of rules to govern a household like a prison. I think it’s about how we complete each other in covenant and empower one another to do what God created us to do in this world. Making it something we command from one another rather than a gift we offer to each other is the same as taking the Love Walk we have with the Lord, removing the relationship element, and making it all about rules and commands. Nope— if we don’t love, we’re nothing. (1 Cor. 13:2)
Thank being said– I think the way “out” for you is to go “through.” Just like Jesus wasn’t for slavery– and in the Spirit there is NO slavery– but He told those who were slaves to serve their masters as though they were serving God… What if you sought God until your heart was so pure that you could find total peace in the submission? I’m thinking that’s REAL freedom. Can you find joy in serving your husband, your church, your family out of a yielded heart that is submitted to God? Can you “submit” in order to sow peace into your home and be a conduit for supernatural love? I think that when this kind of peace hits a family, it’s transformative and could ultimately lead to a healthier outlook for your husband. You’d be displaying Christ-likeness to him. Don’t get me wrong. It may be the hardest battle of your life. It’s just the only scriptural answer that I’ve found so far…
Also– sidenote– I don’t think you should allow yourself to be bullied… and I think you can and should have clear boundaries. I’d recommend Danny Silk’s “Keep your love on” and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Cloud and Townsend to help navigate this!
Now– the EXCEPTION to all of this above is if your relationship is actually abusive in some way (verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, etc.). That’s a different story with totally different steps and counsel. (I have a post on that here.) If that’s the case, I want to protect you and tell you that now is not the time for submission.
You have my utmost respect, compassion, and admiration. I pray that God will walk you through and you’ll be so aware of His love and His presence that the whole journey will feel lighter. I pray that the most supernatural guidance and answers will come to you and your witness will be so powerful for the sacrificial road you are walking.
Thanks again for sharing! You have our blessings and prayers. I can’t wait to hear stories of breakthrough and beautiful intimacy for your family in the days that lie ahead!
Warmly,
Lizzie
Thank you for your suggestions. I struggle with even attending this church, but my husband has decided that our entire family will attend every service. He won’t let me even visit another church. I feel very out of place. It’s hard to sit through harsh, angry sermons that I disagree when I don’t trust or respect the pastor. I feel like I’m being stabbed when he starts with the name calling, insults, and self-praise. Few people question the pastor, and when they do they are made to look like fools from the pulpit. I feel so isolated and alone — the other “rebellious” and “unsubmissive” people have left. We were told (in a sermon) that 9 out of 10 people who left did so because they were caught in a sensual sin, and that we are to avoid them. It is a tactic to keep people in line and in the church. I put on a smile and tell people I’m fine when they ask, but it’s a lie. I can’t imagine ever inviting a visitor to partake in this abusive culture. I was very active in serving in the church when we first joined. I got a Commercial Drivers License to drive the bus, and played in the orchestra. But I was asked to leave the bus ministry for not looking the other way with safety violations and illegal drivers, and I got tired of listening the the pastor (who is also the orchestra director) yell at other musicians.
The worst thing is that my children think that it’s OK for a pastor to yell at people, mock people, and call people out. They believe that “Godly women wear skirts and dresses”. They believe that the pastor cannot be questioned, the church is above the law, and their mother has the same status as them. They believe that anyone who reads a Bible other than the King James is a heretic. And they believe that when they get married they lose their voice, their respect, and their choices.
My husband wants me to do fasting eventhough I am diabetic. Am I supposed to even if it means risking compications?
Dierdre—
I would absolutely clear it with your doctor first. I believe that submission has limits and we have to be practical. We should not submit if our husband is telling us to do something against God’s will and/or if it puts us or someone else in danger. God never designed submission to be a way for a man to exert control over a woman. <3 Take care of yourself, sister! Blessings, Lizzie
How can I submit to my husband when he is choosing to do things that are against our faith? ie. Drinking and pornography. He lies about his actions, but I recently found out that it has been going on for awhile. I’m having a really hard time with this and don’t know what to do.
Alison– In your case, I would strongly recommend that you get with a marriage pastor or counselor who can help set specific boundaries for your marriage so you can be safe and healthy. Pornography is devastating to marriage (and just in general) and I am heartbroken for the pain and betrayal you must be feeling. Lying in a marriage is also VERY difficult to overcome– especially if it’s a habit that has gone on for years.
My suggestions for submission are not intended to be universal for sure– they don’t apply for abusive marriages and I would also say they don’t apply as a blanket statement within a singular marriage. For example— if everything else in a marriage was OK, but a husband told a woman she couldn’t go to church– I would tell her she should not submit to that request because her husband’s requests should not supersede God’s word. Similarly– if a husband asked his wife to lie for him, I would tell her not to submit to that request for the same reason.
HOWEVER— if the same man made a request of his wife that did not disagree with the bible, I would tell her to honor that request even though she “disobeys” on the others. Just like with our government, parents, pastor, or any other authority– we should submit ourselves to those authorities only to the point that they are in alignment with the Word of God. If they go down an ungodly path, we are no longer required to submit in those areas. Does that make sense? I hope it helps. Praise God we can always seek out our wonderful counselor, The Holy Spirit, in prayer for specific guidance!
So in your case– please get some help confronting your husband on the areas where he is violating your marriage covenant– however as long as it is safe, I would encourage you to partner with him and honor him in other areas of your lives.
A few other posts that might be helpful:
When you’re Christian but you hate your husband
To the woman who is being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused
Thank you so much for this post! I was struggling to pray due to frustrations about a decision my husband, and I just googled in hope of finding some truth about my role as a wife. When I read the Bible verses about submitting to my husband, I sincerely want to obey them, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking… how in the world am I supposed to do this consistently? Very grateful that I found this post. Just what I needed to hear.
Thank you for this post. I’ve been married for two years and I am really struggling right now. I completely disagree and am uncomfortable with my husbands decision to take in a struggling friend. I know that sounds heartless but I do have my reasons. He is moving in tomorrow and I am just crying because I feel like my husband isn’t putting me first. I am dreading the next couple months. I’m really upset and I just want to shut my husband out and go back to my moms, that is how strongly I feel about this. I’m trying to be quiet and just pray about this. Arguing did nothing but hurt us. I dug in my heels and he’s still doing what he wants to regardless of how I feel about it. I do not want to fight anymore but it’s hard when he makes a decision without me. I am just crying out to God for peace and clarity.
I’m so sorry for your heartache Sis! So long as you are not in any danger, continue seeking God and take your eyes off the problem/situation. As painful as this is, you can look at it as a problem to become bitter towards your husband over, or an opportunity to grow in peace. Praying for you and for unity in your marriage!
What do you think about my situation… i am a newish Christian, almost 3 years and my husband says he is by a little over a year. My marriage is not good, for many reasons, but it is not horrible. It’s not filled with yelling and fighting, but I do secretly regret marrying this man 13 years ago when we were both unsaved. God did not approve this marriage because he was previously married, and while the divorce was due to hidden drug use, fraudulent behavior, and physical abuse from his ex, it wouldn’t be Biblical because there was no cheating. Anyway, money has always been a struggle. When we first married, we agreed that I would stay home with our child. Our son is in grade school now, but because my husband has a crazy work schedule – sometimes our paths only cross once a week – I have to be available for all sick days, school breaks, pick ups, and drop offs. I do 100% of the childcare, pet care, house work, errands, cooking, shopping, and whatever else you can think of. He works. (I did work a couple of years, but he did not help in any other area, and it was so stressful trying to do it all that 2/3 of my hair fell out, so I quit. He acted unhappy about that but said it was okay.) Anyway, the Lord has blessed us with a very nice home that we are currently selling. We will walk away with $300,000. We have no retirement and very little savings, but no other debt. The plan was to buy something modest outright, save money and have some breathing room in our budget, and at some point, buy more modest homes as rental income. Now my husband has shifted gears. He wants to max us out and make us house poor (again) because he wants to live in a nice house. A typical middle class home does not meet his standards for whatever reason. He wants a new build, multiple car garage, upgraded floors and counters, etc. I am devastated by this. This was our big chance to really make a difference in our lives and make wise plans for the future. But he is unconcerned with what school district we live in or any of our family’s needs as long as he gets what he wants in the moment. He says I do nothing and he is the one who actually works and has to support me. (He says this a lot when he is mad then denies it when he cools down. In truth, my parents have given us a lot of money and cars, so “I” have contributed financially in that respect.) But he is right in that I am dependent on him until my son can drive, at least. How do I submit to someone who is selfish, ungrateful, and emotionally distant? I’m afraid that his foolish desires will cripple us financially. Do I just go along with his poor financial decisions? There doesn’t seem to be much room to compromise here. He lacks self-awareness, as do we all, I suppose.
Hi Jessica! Wow– thank you so much for sharing! In this sort of situation, I would follow the biblical framework for confrontation (Matthew 18:15-20). In a very respectful calm way, explain to him your concerns. How does he plan to provide for the both of you in retirement? What are his financial goals? Does he agree that your marriage should be a partnership and even though he brings in the money, he does depend on you for a great deal. You run your family as a team. If he thinks you should earn your own retirement, what can he take off your plate around the home to allow you to work and live reasonably.
If he will not discuss this with you or you cannot come to an agreement, it’s time to bring someone else to the discussion. A pastor, a Christian counselor, a trusted/respected friend, someone who will reasonably hear you both and give you counsel.
If I were in your situation, I would absolutely escalate it– because God did not intend a wife to be a doormate or slave.
I think there’s a lot of hope– but you probably need reinforcements. BLESSINGS Sister!
Oh wow. Lizzie thank you so much. My husband is about to make a huge decision for the family that i strongly believe isnt the way. I’m so filled with anger and resentment because i feel i have been deceived. Your post speaks directly to my situation and i bless God i cane across this. Im just asking God for the grace and strength to go through this season of my life. Thank you lizzie. Are you on Instagram? Doyin from Nigeria
Hello. I stumbled across your post after searching for advice regarding a church situation. I’ve always been the one to go to church, not my husband. For over a year, I have been taking our children to church alone while he stays at home because he decided the church we attended wasn’t good enough anymore. I went back to the church I grew up in and not only am I enjoying being back “home,” my children are learning and enjoying the church, too. We tried a church my husband wanted to test for a few weeks awhile back, and after a few Sunday’s I began to have convictions about not going back. We ordered the Bible the pastor suggested and I had an absolutely horrible feeling overcome me when I opened it. I felt these were all signs to not return. Well, now my husband asks every Sunday if we’ll be going to that church. I kindly say no and invite him to our church like I have every week for over a year, but he refuses. I’ve told him to go alone like I do, but still refuses. Now, he says he’ll begin taking our children with him every other Sunday. I am deeply bothered by this. I don’t want my children receiving spiritual guidance from the pastor after my experience. My husband knows my feelings and why I feel how I do, but he is still insistent and throws out the whole “I’m the spiritual leader so let me lead thing.” Of course, I know my convictions override his feelings because I ultimately serve God, not man, but what is a loving way to go about this? I feel as though he’s trying to control this aspect of me and I’ve cried so many tears over this. I’m at a total loss.m
Hi there! Thanks so much for reaching out! I am also super protective over the spiritual influence that my children are exposed to– so I can understand your concern. 🙂 This is a hard one without knowing you both personally and knowing the church your husband wants to take your children to. You might want to get a counselor involved to mediate the subject between you two. Just generally speaking, if it is a bible based church— I would choose to partner with my husband there and seek out where God is showing up in that assembly. If they’re preaching the bible, you can rest-assured that the “Word will not return void” as your children are hearing it and you can supplement with lots of teaching and worship at home. I think Home is where the real discipleship happens for our kiddos. There could be so many things at play here– make sure and check your heart to see if there’s really a problem with the church or you might just have a heart issue about it (I’ve been guilty of this one!) — ask God to clarify your concerns for you and follow His leadership over emotion. If there are real and true concerns with the church that could damage your babies– I don’t blame you for your wariness at all. I would definitely seek a professional Christian counselor to help navigate that. Blessings Sister!!
Hi Lizzie,
This is a wonderful article. You are a very gifted writer. My boyfriend actually sent this to me because he feels that I don’t submit to him ever. I am divorced with two kids and I work full time. I don’t get child support and we share custody. My boyfriend has never been married and doesn’t have kids. I grew up going to church regularly and he really didn’t. My concern is that if I disagree with him about anything big or small he feels that I’m disrespectful. I usually submit and apologize but where I draw the line is when he tells me how I should parent my kids and a few times he has made comments in front of my kids about how I like things to be ‘my way’. He says only by submitting will we ever make it to the next step (engagement and marriage) but having been married already I know we’re just not on the right path in general. So my question to you is…how does submission apply when you are dating?
Hi Dahlia!
I’m so sorry it took me this long to see your comment, Sis! I’m so thrilled that you found me! The truth is —- submission absolutely DOES NOT apply outside of marriage. And a man who demands submission (as well as a woman who struggles to submit) should be considered as yellow flags for the Christian man or woman who are talking about marriage. I hope things have improved! Marriage requires sacrificial love, respect, and submission from both parties to become what God intended it to be. Shoot me an email if you’d like to discuss further: Lizzie.Smiley@gmail.com HUGS!
Hey Lizzie,
Thank you for this post. I’m caught in a hard spot right now and completely devastated. My husband and I dated for a just few months right after he became a christian. We then did long distance for 1.5 years before getting engaged, married, and then he moved to the town I lived in again. We have been married now a few years, and he wants to change careers and join the military where we would be in a long distance relationship. I was devastated and very depressed the first time around when we did long distance, and he said we never had to do it again. He approached me two years ago about the idea of the military, and I initially said yes, but several months later told him I couldn’t do long distance again. He’s been working hard for the past two years to get into special operations, and recently got accepted. He doesn’t have a date or a contract signed yet. I have spoken to him several times asking him not to go. I feel like he doesn’t care at all about my feelings on this and how much pain it would put me through. The thought of long distance again depresses me, and causes me so much pain. I told him I’m willing to move since he hates the state we live in, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for him. I need some advice. I feel like my husband is thinking of himself only, not compromising, and isn’t acting in a christian manner. And maybe I’m not being a good wife being supportive, but we’ve done long-distance before and I didn’t do well and can’t imagine repeating that pain. I need some help. Any help is appreciated.
Thank you so much! I love my husband dearly and yet we’ve been arguing quite a bit lately. There are times I believe we are not equally yolked and we disagree on different Biblical teachings. My husbands and my upbringing Christian families were quite different. My husband can be so selfish and rude when we argue at times and I do try to keep a gentle spirit… but after a time I get frustrated and cave into my emotions and the argument intensifies as I lose my self-control. I have been praying about it and I believe God directed me to this insightful article. I will be reading this many more times to come and praying whole-heartedly for peace and self-control. I will be praying for God to soften and change his heart as well as my own for a strong Christian marriage after God’s own heart. I will also pray for the desire for submission to accept the things out of my control & which only He can see the whole picture. Prayer, prayer and more prayer. ❤️God Bless and thank you again!
Thank you for the post, as much as I am a christian and would love a peaceful home, nothing works for my husband.
His decisions are completely against the family, in this situation, I submit to God almighty and work on my career, finances and my peace. Submission to him means I may have to commit suicide to please him. He requires my utmost abandonment and yet he still won’t be pleased.
Yes thank you for this advice, it will not work in my case and has never worked.
Jane-
My sweet Sister, this sounds like it may be an abusive relationship to me. Please get some professional support to navigate your way forward. I’m praying for you! I’d suggest you focus more on this post I wrote instead for abuse situations: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
Lizzie
My hubby and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on re-opening school and what to do. He wants them in school and I want virtual. I got the email to choose the options and I chose virtual. We had already discussed it and kind of argued about it and he said to choose my option and he will choose his, which obviously made no sense, probably because he was angry. But I strongly felt in my gut, this was the right thing to do for our family. He realized last night that I did choose virtual and he never even got on the computer to choose his option at all. He’s mad at me for choosing virtual. I don’t want to fight about it, especially something that’s so serious, when it comes to our kids. We are normally on the same page when it comes to our children, but this is the first time we are not. I am praying on it and asking God to make the right decision for us, but I don’t see my kids going to school being the best option, during a pandemic. We have 3 kids, elementary and middle school. This is really tough.
This is an excellent article. I searched for something along these lines and this popping up has been a blessing. We have been praying and talking about sending our kids back to school during this Covid. I believe the Lord strongly told me to homeschool, but my husband said he wants them in school for various reasons. I am sick to my stomach over it and feel the Holy Spirit is really warning me about sending them. But I also feel I need to submit to my husband, pray, and trust God for protection over them. I am not concerned about them getting sick, I am concerned about other things that have come with this pandemic. Any additional advice? Thank you!