I began my marriage as a very controlling wife. Seriously. It was my way or the highway. I never thought I’d be like that. In fact, I’d always judged other women who were controlling and thought they were nuts.
Isn’t it funny how we hate the parts of other people that we most fear are part of us?
I think phrases like “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” and “Happy wife, happy life” were coined because of women like me. It’s terrible to think about now. Who wants to leave that kind of legacy? I didn’t grow up dreaming about being a wife and mother that everyone walked on egg shells around.
I remember feeling enraged when my husband gave me any push back. I can vividly recall my anger ballooning out of control around me like one of those giant parachutes we played with as kids in gym class. I remember seething with hate and bitterness… and taking it out on the people I loved the most.
I can vividly recall my anger ballooning out of control around me like one of those giant parachutes we played with as kids in gym class.
My behavior chipped away at my husband’s patient spirit until I almost lost him. And that’s what it took for me to realize I needed to change and, more importantly, to take the tedious steps to actually change.
My Spiritual Mom since taught me that anger is fear turned outward. She says that you only get mad at two types of people— you either have road rage because you’ll never see the person again or you blow up at the people closest to you because you trust them enough to see your pain. If only we could learn how to ask for their help with our pain rather than punish them with our anger. If only they could learn how to come into our pain with us and help us to take it before the Lord and receive healing.
I had to do some real hunting to find the right tools (and people) to guide me. The stakes were high. We needed dramatic help FAST. I found it frustrating and terrifying that there seemed to be no clear path to take. But I realize now, on the other side, that the reason it’s hard to find help is because so few people have gone before us. The journey through our heart is the road less traveled. It’s why they say the top is a lonely place. Lots of people know they need to change, but it’s only the powerful few who are willing to do the heavy lifting.
I wish I could give you a complete checklist right here and now to help you change, it’s just not a one and done issue.
It takes soul searching.
It takes humility.
It takes personal inner healing.
It takes God.
Here are a few of my very favorite books and resources that I recommend all the time. The one that really changed everything is the Restoring Relationships Ministry. (Here’s our story of healing and more info about the ministry.)
I can’t even compare the woman I was with the woman I am now. I finally really like me. 🙂 And so does my hubby and my family. That controlling nut job… long gone. That woman everyone tipped-toed around? Ancient history. That all-consuming rage? Replaced with peace and joy. Don’t get me wrong, I have the occasional slip up, but I know how to right the ship quickly. What used to fester for months can be resolved in a few hours or less.
Real quick—if you are in a relationship where you are being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused— please read this post instead. I have a very different and specific message for you.
I can’t even compare the woman I was with the woman I am now. I finally really like me.
Please hear me. In a world full of quick fixes, checklists, and easy ways out… I want to be clear that real lasting change and healing takes sacrifice. I worked my butt off— on me, and you’ll have to do the same. But I’m here to testify that everything can change.
Pastor Myles Munroe said, “The thing that makes you most angry in the world is the problem you were born to solve.” That’s why I created Peaceful Home and, in particular, this blog. I am angry (in a healthy way) at the divorce rate. I’m angry that people live in bondage their whole lives simply because they don’t know how to get out of it. There is nothing I care more about than you and your family. I am overwhelmed with a passion to help you live out God’s plan for your life. I am driven by the desire to lead even one more family to victory, restoration, and healing. And I won’t stop until I leave this earth.
XXXOOO,
Found this post by perusing a Pinterest group board and clicked over.
It’s wonderful that you are being vulnerable and sharing your story with others. It’s so neccesary and things like this shouldn’t be pushed under the rug because the church needs to reach out and help others!
Thank you for sharing!!! It was a blessing to read!
You say you’ve changed but you don’t share what you did to change. What led tothe anger and fear? How did gou figure it out and finally let it go?
Angeline— I could literally write a book. 🙂 There’s so much I could have said. As I reflected on my healing process to write this post, the main thing that stuck out was the healing I received through the Restoring Relationships Ministry and it’s just not something I can summarize. If you’d like to learn more about them– there’s a direct link in the post. A number of other books and resources opened my eyes, too, and I’ve linked those as well. The bottom line answer to your very wise questions— it was a process of awakening and maturing emotionally and spiritually. I would encourage anyone struggling with the same issues I had to dive into all the resources I’ve recommended and embark on their own journey. Maybe down the road, Holy Spirit will give me more to share that might make it easier– but for now– dig in to the resources that helped me and ask, seek, knock. (Matt 7:7)
I feel your compassion and love- thank you. I am beginning to embark on my own journey to change, and it is confusing and hard to figure out HOW I’m going to make the changes…and to make them stick. But like you said, that’s the work, and it’s gonna take time and I’m gonna have to figure it out. With help from people like yourself. I feel more hopeful now that I’ve found a few blog sites like this, bc I need help FAST too. Thank God for the internet- seriously! Above all, I believe prayer can help to begin to answer these questions and to orient ourselves in the right direction. God is just waiting on us to ask.
I’m going though something like this and I don’t know what to do. I Live in Mexico and here women are not like that, here is the other way around but I was raised with the thought of no man can put you down you have to do it first. But yesterday I was horrible with my husband and today i can’t even look at him. I want to change but I don’t know how.
Paola— I totally understand that feeling of helplessness. Start by verbally surrendering to God and giving your life to Jesus. Ask Him to help you do what you can’t do by yourself. Read your bible as much as you can each day and I would also recommend that you listen to Joyce Meyer. I think her messages would be a big help to you. She has tons of books– but also a free podcast. Blessings Sister! May you be transformed by the renewing of your mind. I pray peace and healing over you in Jesus’ name.
What were the specific books that helped you as a wife to be less controlling?
Mia– I really like “Keep your love on” by Danny Silk (great for developing healthier relationships and boundaries), “Switch on your brain” by Dr Caroline Leaf (great for learning about how we can rewire our brains away from control), “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr Laura kicked my butt and showed me how entitled I had become, “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas talks about how marriage is designed to make us holy over happy, and I would also recommend Joyce Meyer’s podcast. Her messages are GREAT for breaking control and building self awareness.
BLESSINGS Sis!