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I remember glaring at him across our kitchen table with a disdain in my eyes that was equally real in my heart: “When are you going to just man-up and take care of it?”
It was early in my marriage and I didn’t know then what I know now. We had been fighting about something stupid for days, neither one of us willing to stand down. I wasn’t anticipating the power of my words, but they obviously dealt a heavy blow. His eyes got as big as saucers and shock covered his face. Then I watched while his whole countenance changed from adversarial to brokenhearted.
I didn’t realize that the very thing I was asking him to do—to be a man— was the part of him I’d been chipping away, bit by bit, ever since our wedding day.
Most women don’t intend to become a wife that controls, degrades, and henpecks their husbands. I certainly didn’t. It just sort of happens; an unhappy result of the curses inherited from the fall of man combined with a culture that tries to domesticate everything.
At some point, just a few short years after this particular squabble, my marriage reached an impasse at a deadly cliff and only survived by the grace and intervention of God. I’ve learned a few things since then that I love to share with other women in hopes of preventing them from making the same mistakes I did.
Real quick—if you are in a relationship where you are being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused— please read this post instead. I have a very different and specific message for you.
The truth is, most men are relatively simple. They want you to honor them in word and deed. They enjoy a delicious, home-cooked meal. And they’d like some lovin’ on a regular basis. Give them these things, and they’ll treat you like a queen. They’ll gladly knock out your to-do list, give you a foot rub, and hang the moon for you while they’re at it. All you have to do to unlock this goodness is learn to let your husband be a man, and it starts with treating him like one.
Here are the 7 best ways I know how:
1. Let him take charge.
Ok– before you roll your eyes and click away– hear me out for a second. I am NOT saying women can’t lead or shouldn’t lead, or that a husband should dominate a wife. I don’t believe that AT ALL and in my own marriage I am no shrinking violet. My husband was attracted to me for my strength and leadership capacity. I think God’s dream for marriage is a true, equal partnership– but that’s for another post. For now– I want to speak to the women who NEVER let their husbands lead or who are in a relationship where there is strife over who should lead.
Men have a natural desire to lead and take charge, but all too often their women either shoot down their ideas or rush in and take over before the man has a chance. I did this for years! I didn’t realize that men and women think so differently. I believed that my husband’s thoughtful pause before making a decision meant he wasn’t going to make one (or wasn’t going to make one fast enough). So I plowed right over him and made all of the decisions for him. It got to the point that he was wary to take one misstep for fear of being corrected by me, overruled, or worse yet– ignored.
If your man asks you for instructions on how to do everything, it’s probably not because he doesn’t know how, he’s just learned you don’t like his way. If this happens a lot in your home it’s a good indication that you could take a step back and give your husband room to take charge. Perhaps apologize for being too overbearing and start giving him space to make decisions. If he asks for your opinion (or instructions) just smile sweetly and tell him you’ll be happy with whatever he chooses. Then follow through and mean it.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way.” –Psalm 37:23
2. Trust his judgement.
Your husband needs you to trust him to make good decisions. Just like you want him to trust you, he needs you to trust that he will make wise choices for your family, properly co-parent your children, and oh, I don’t know, put away the dishes in a reasonable fashion that doesn’t warrant a lecture.
I hear women say all the time that they trust their husbands, and then the second something isn’t done the exact way they would do it, they’re criticizing and nit-picking their man. I’ll tell you right now—he perceives that as not trusting him to carry out a simple task. Not everything has to be done your way. If the dishwasher gets loaded, and the kids get to bed, and the toilet gets cleaned– who cares if he didn’t do it the exact order and way that you would?
Parenting is a major area that I see many men become dejected by their wives criticism. A man is going to parent differently than a woman and we need to give them liberty to be fathers. Let him throw the kids in the air and catch them (even though it makes you cringe), encourage him to take them outside on adventures, and trust that even though he may discipline differently than you, it’s a good and natural thing for your children. At the very least, they need to learn how to interact with and be led by different personality styles to be successful in this world.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those
who have been trained by it.” –Hebrews 12:11
3. Treat him with respect.
Good old R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Have you noticed it’s conspicuously absent from our culture these days? Everyone is quick to point fingers when they’re not being respected but awfully slow to offer it as a courtesy freely given, not earned. The root of disrespect is entitlement. It’s a spirit that says, “I’m better. I deserve more. You owe me.” We don’t like to see it in our youth today, but what are we modeling?
Respect is more than what we say out loud. It’s our tone and body language that speak much louder than our actual words. If all you say is “What are you doing?” but you do it with an eye roll and a look on your face that clearly suggests you think he’s being an idiot, you may as well have just called the man an idiot. Your subtext won’t escape him because he’s not an idiot. He can read your irritation and disapproval through your tone and face the same way you can tell when another woman is being fake with you.
This isn’t just a nice suggestion on a list for us, wives. It’s a command from God. We’ve got to step it up in this area and help our men be all God made them to be.
“…The wife must respect her husband.” –Ephesians 5:33
4. Appreciate his contributions and accomplishments.
I know as well as the next gal how busy we all are. I have SO MUCH GRACE for that. I know that when your husband gets home you are just praying that he’ll offer to take on a little more tonight so you can enjoy some down time. Just keep in mind—he was up early, too. He worked all day, too. And he contributes more to the household than anyone realizes or appreciates, too.
Most men will gladly take the heavier load from their wives when they are appreciated and praised for all they do. They want you to notice how hard they work, the things they sacrifice, and all the times they put you and the kids first. And, just like us, they want to be appreciated for it.
Have you ever read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Awesome book, if you haven’t! I’m kind of convinced, though, that all men need “Words of Affirmation.” If you’re not familiar with the concept, what I mean is that men need to hear their women say words like “Thank you,” “I appreciate you,” “I’m sorry,” and “You’re amazing. Thank you for all you do for this family.” These simple phrases melt most men into puddles. We carry so much power in our words.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.” –Proverbs 18:21
5. Give him time to pursue his interests.
I could literally create a whole separate post about how over-scheduled we are these days and how it’s killing our families. When did we decide that our kids have to be in every activity, we must say ‘yes’ to every function, and every second should be scheduled for maximum entertainment and productivity?
God made men to explore, conquer, and discover— and not within the confines of a well-manicured subdivision. He needs time to hunt, fish, climb, camp, watch sports with the guys, or maybe (dare I say it?) kill the bad guys in his video game. Whatever it is that makes him feel alive—(Hint: it’s not in the office where he works)— he needs to be given time to pursue it.
What if we offer him time to be a man and go get recharged rather than making him beg for it? Odds are he’ll return the favor and encourage us to go for a pedicure and a girl’s night!
“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love.” -1 Corinthians 16:13-14
6. Let him be the hero and delight in being his leading lady.
You know what your husband wants more than anything else? For you to look at him today the same way you did when you first fell in love. He wants to be your hero and he wants to sweep you off your feet. He may not look like it from here— falling asleep on the couch watching something pointless on TV or scrolling aimlessly on his smart phone. But he’s in there just waiting to be reawakened by his leading lady.
Your man needs to be needed by you. I know that you can take care of yourself and that this harsh world literally demands it of a woman today. But I’m asking you to make space in your heart and your life to be vulnerable—and to let yourself need your husband just the way God intended. Let him be your hero and delight in being his beautiful leading lady. It’s OK. It won’t make you any less pro-woman. 😉
“You are so handsome, my love, pleasing beyond words!”
-Song of Solomon 1:16
7. Believe in him.
If you can do nothing on this list except this one thing— it just might be enough. Your husband needs you to believe in him. He is wired to have big dreams and big goals. If he doesn’t, he’s been so squashed by life and people, he’s become complacent. He needs you to see what he’s capable of and know he can conquer anything he puts his hands to. Especially when he can’t see it for himself.
When he fails, and sometimes he will, he needs you to be waiting in the wings so proud of your warrior you could just explode. Reassure him that the next time will be his time, that you’re so glad to be his, and you know God has huge things for him in this life.
That man of yours has no greater fear than failing and letting you down. How often do we make them feel like they did when they just picked the wrong outfit for the kids or something equally irrelevant? It’s their kryptonite and we have to be so careful. If we do it often enough, for long enough, some men will grow weary and give up on us.
I don’t want that for you. I believe in you, your marriage, your family, and God’s plans for all of you. Please believe in your man and let him know it all the time.
“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” -Proverbs 31:10-12
I know this isn’t a popular message or particularly pleasant to hear. I realize that there are some marriages that this won’t apply to—where the wife is so honoring and the husband is mean-spirited, unloving, or worse. But by and large, the women I meet can sense a pinch of conviction in their hearts when they consider this with an open mind. It’s biblical truth and it’s the glue that has kept my marriage together through countless trials.
Let your husband be a man. There is a world-changing warrior inside of him just waiting to be unleashed. The crazy thing? God wired YOU to help set him free. No one can give him what you can. No one is in a greater position to help that man succeed. I promise you’ll be blessed. The more we all come into the fullness of who God made us to be, we can be nothing but blessed. Before we part ways today, let me pray for you:
Lord, I lift up this sister tonight in her pursuit to honor You and help her husband be all you created him to be. I ask that you Bless her. Overwhelm her with your goodness, meet her at her place of greatest need, and Lord please reveal to her heart only your truth from this message. I pray blessings over her marriage and her husband, and I ask that you would guide her as a wife. Show her the special things she can do and say that will unlock her one-of-a-kind man. Give her the energy, the fortitude, and the wisdom to let her husband be a man in every way. And Lord, stir that husband’s heart to love his wife even better. Awaken him to her needs and the cries of her heart in her marriage.
I ask that you place a hedge of protection around their home and family. Meet their every need. Bring from the North, South, East, and West all of the things and people necessary to fulfill your perfect will in their lives. And draw them closer to you daily, Lord. These things I pray in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.
What would you add to this list? What special things do you do to let your husband be a man?
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I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing what the Lord has shown you. How I long for other wives to get to hear this message.
Thank you for your ministry and for teaching other wives the life-giving, marriage-saving truth of God’s Word!
April,
Thank you so much for your words and support! Why do we always learn the most important lessons the hard way? LOL!! Much love and blessings on the work of your hands and your marriage, too! <3
Oh my! I have been there and ended up losing my marriage of almost 8 years to this very thing (and a few others). I can VERY MUCH relate to every single item you listed, as well as your personal snippets. I also share your desire to inform those who are either planning to get married, or are early on in their marriages, so they can avoid the dreadful snares I fell for. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I’m pinning it for sharing!
Thanks so much for your words Brandy!! YES– let’s tell the world, shall we? Your story is a powerful testimony to those who may be on the wrong path. And as for you, I pray that God would repay the years the Locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25)! <3 You are a treasure!
This was a great post for obtaining knowledge, as I am not yet married. The 5 love languages is a great book, and I may also suggest Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. I am re-reading this book and it saved my marriage… And I’m not even married yet. But it has helped craft me into a better wife than I would have been otherwise. Just as your post, it gave me a greater and deeper understanding of a wife’s countenance and atmosphere for her husband. Thank you!
Praise God Clata!! You are so wise to pursue this kind of wisdom now! Thanks for your note.
You’re just teaching women to step down and be down right submissive come on. I would love to talk to you about it. I’m from Pakistan I’m sure you’d find it worth listening to my observation about our culture.
Hi Afzal! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. 🙂 You make a great point– I definitely did not write this article for women who are in abusive or controlling relationships— OR for women living in a culture that overpowers or dehumanizes women. (I have specific links above where I direct any woman/wife who is in an abusive relationship and I do not encourage submission.)
I am specifically writing to American (or western) women who identify as bible-believing Christians and want to do their part to be a biblical wife. I personally believe that marriage should be a partnership– my husband and I partner together in every way as equals. I think there’s a strong case biblically that this is how God intended marriage from the beginning. (I really like Kris Vallotton’s book “Fashioned to Reign” for more on this subject.)
In America there are many instances where the culture has swung to the other extreme– where women demand respect from men– but don’t return the respect back. I used to be one of them for sure! I’m really writing to them. My words can be a bit sharp, but that’s often what I used to need from others to open my eyes to the demeaning way I treated my husband. At the heart of my message– I want to remind my reader that love is always the ultimate goal for the Christian– whether male or female. And biblical love should always supersede cultural norms.
God bless you Afzal! I wish for no person to be in bondage to anything or anyone. I hope this clears up my intentions. And if we still disagree, that’s ok too. I pray blessings upon blessings over you and everything you hold dear.
Warmly,
Lizzie
This article will surely be a help to me as I do tend to admit I am a controlling wife and I do need to be a better wife. Lord give me the grace and strength to be that woman I can be. Thanks so much.
Praise God Stefani!! I hear you. I was there and God can move mountains– even inside of us! 🙂 BLESSINGS!
This is an amazing post! Right on time. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Dominique!! I’m so glad. 🙂 BLESSINGS!!
Thank you for this. Those words don’t even begin to express my gratitude for such thoughtfulness. You truly understand the blessings a strong married can bring to glorify God.
Thanks so much, Sara! I’m glad it was a blessing to you. 🙂
HE sure knows how to sneak in those life lessons when they are needed… desperately! This is a huge struggle of mine and has started to become a problem after 5 years of marriage and two littles later. Thank you so much for sharing this. I needed to hear it, read it, think about it and CHANGE the way I wife. I lost track and am ready to open my heart and let God take over instead of trying to control everything myself! This post is a blessing and so are you!
Tarin– Thank you so much for your note of encouragement. I am so blessed to know that this message spoke to you! I pray blessings upon blessings over you and your family! -Lizzie
Beautifully written and insightful. I read it with joy…until I got to the end. The ending was perfect. The words inspired but you missed something so obvious (well to me, anyway) that I reread the article to make sure it really wasn’t there. Sex. Your man needs sex. How much of what you stated in each of the points above could be stated succinctly and deliciously by making love passionately and with great enthusiasm! If words fail your man and you have a hard time getting your love and respect through then sex is your answer. He FEELS it deeply and nothing ever really can replace it. It is not a replacement for anything in the article. But the article is far from complete without it. Love making separates a friendship or roommate situation from a true marriage.
You are 100% right that’s one of the main ingredient that helps everything together ??Perfect.I really was convicted of my behavior and plan to improve more n more each day.Thanks for the correction
Hi Mary!! I’m so glad this post spoke to you! Thanks for taking the time to leave a note! BLESSINGS!!
Thank you so much for this article, sometimes I forget how to treat the ones we love the most. Life is hard and only by the grace of GOD can we even make it through our every day journey. Thank you for reminding me and telling me what I needed to hear. Awesome !!!!
Thank you for writing the words I need to hear I pray that I can absorb them and make the changes before it’s to late, I want to change but fall with emotions , having positive thoughts with your writing helps, pray for my marriage!
Heidi– I’m so glad you found this message just at the right time! Any relationship can be healed! Just focus on you and God! Extra PRAYERS for you and your sweet family!
Precious Blessings,
Lizzie 🙂
God’s timing is impeccable in bringing this message so randomly to me during a difficult time when I believe my marriage is set to end after thirty-three years.
I can, and am willing to change and put these actions into play but how do I do this without it seeming suspect? Or, as my husband likes to say, “too little, too late”.
Evy- God Bless You and your precious heart of repentance. I believe that every relationship can be saved– but first and foremost our accountability is before God. Here’s what you do: go to your husband and take accountability. If he won’t listen, write him a letter– sometimes that’s more powerful anyway. Tell him that you have some things you’d like to say to him– and it’s not to save the relationship– it’s because you feel convicted by God for not honoring him (your husband) for so long. In detail, give him examples of where you fell short and apologize with sincerity. After that, honor him consistently regardless of what he does. God can work miracles through you in his heart. If he chooses to walk away anyway, you will have a clear conscience before God and your husband— but I have great hope! I will be praying! <3
I battle with this and need to read this frequently. I agree with you and its difficult to not make an excuse for every point you make. But, that’s just what they are, excuses. Thank you for this post.
Hi Lizzie,
I like your blog, and I agree with what you’ve written. These are what I am going to make them a practice when I get married. I believe love that flows out from a woman’s heart for her husband will enable her to respect her husband fully. I’ve known of these ways before I read your blog. Thank you for refreshing my thoughts.
Thank You, Thank you, Thank you!!!! I am a new wife(5yrs) and this has blessed me!!
Sadly I am a 46 year old woman who never saw what it was like to watch a husband be a man for his family. My parents divorced when I was young & he died of alcoholism when he was 43. My 1st husband left when I was 8 months pregnant & sadly I have struggled to even see God in this role. I am re-married & sadly my husband never had a chance as all I learned was how to take care of me & mine & be independent. So when you have been doing this to your husband for 10 years, where do you start?
Stacy— It’s OK! You can start right here, right now. You begin by truly repenting before God and your current husband for the mistakes of the past. You tell him you want to change and ask for grace. Then you start working on you and implementing these tips. I pray PRECIOUS BLESSINGS over you and your marriage!
I stumbled across this post on Pinterest and am so grateful that I found it. Couldn’t have come at a better time for me as my husband and I struggle through a tough time having moved Country and buying a business. He’s in a difficult place. Very stressed and not loving himself. All of these points are so true but the one that resonates the most is believe in him. And that I do but I have not been showing it at all, in fact questioning too much to the point where it probably seems like I don’t believe in him. Thank you and God for bringing this to my attention.
Hi Lizzie,
I would add not manipulating your husband to give in to you by being over emotional, i.e crying, threatening, screaming, giving him the silent treatment. I battle this sometimes and now my husband can see right through the manipulation which in essence is witchcraft.
Thank you for this post. I’ve learned over the years to be more submissive, but the times I’m battling my flesh I will recall this blog post.
I needed that. please pray for me as I struggle with those things in my marriage.
I love the realness of this post!
It was straight hitting and lacked the sugar coating alot of writers tend to dish out when they are writing content on a “touchy” subject such as this one.
I felt and believed every word. I felt your passion for your marriage as well as a sincere desire to protect and enrich mine.
Thank you for your priceless advice.
You are exactly the type of Blogger I aspire to be one day.
Wives in Christ,
Gaytri
I felt strongly convicted by this wonderfully written message, especially the first two points, as I know I have always been a very controlling person and don’t give my husband enough room to be an effective leader. In our almost 11 years of marriage, we have navigated some very dangerous waters and survived, by the grace of God, some situations that any one of, on their own, have been known to destroy a marriage. There is nothing special or unique about our story. No one would make a movie about our life. God’s plans were and ARE bigger than our fragile, deceptive human hearts, and He alone saved our marriage. After having battled the big stuff, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that the seemingly little stuff can be equally destructive. Please, if you read my comment, pray for me that I can learn to step back, surrender control, and support my husband in being a strong, God-appointed leader of our family. Thank you and much love in Christ!
I’m going through this as we speak with my wife she projects onto me that I’m a control freak but I haven’t had control for years she has relegated me to ATM status
I can’t agree anymore! You are absolutely right and women need to learn this wisdom!
I can attest that this is so true. I am in my second marriage and unknowingly I have treated my husband this way. I did this in my first marriage too but that was an emotionally abusive relationship so I really can’t compare the two. It really take two people who are unselfish to make a relationship work. Both have to build each other up not break each other down. It is amazing that each of us have the ability to make or break the other. Choose to build up always. My husband expresses his gratitude that I let him be a man. I did not realize that that is what men needed most until he expressed that. We are still equal partners. He treats me with such love and respect in return for letting him lead the home.
Thank you for this! Thank you for quoting scripture and thank you most for your prayer. What a beautiful thing. I can feel your strength and and i am so grateful that I stumbled upon this you are blessing so many and I pray you recive those blessings in return!
Sometimes we women become so independent we forget we’re our husband’s help mate, not his replacement. Thanks for reminding us to let our husband perform the role God has called him to.
I found your post on Pinterest and all I can say is wow! You spoke to every single need in my marriage right now, I literally cried while reading it. I feel that God spoke to me through you tonight and guide my marriage. I see all my flaws and now I know the steps to take. Thank you a million times over!!
Jen,
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave your comment. I’m THRILLED to hear this. It makes my day! BLESSINGS over you and your marriage, friend.
-Lizzie
What a great post!! Love this!
Hello Lizzie,
1st I will like to say I am a Pintrest addict ?. Thanks for the post and very great pointers. This message really has me THINKING.
I, just want to say. Where have you been all my life.
I loved this article. It is oh so true! Thank you so much for your words and for writing this article. I feel like I could have written these words myself with how much they resonate with me!
Lizzie, I can’t tell the volumes this article spoke to me! I confess these are the exact reasons why my marriage failed. I pray that God brings me a forever husband that I can treat properly using these principles. Thank you for your wise words.
Preach girl!!! Sooo good!
I have a few comments from a much different perspective. I read this article and feel like I read a step by step guide that my wife must have read before we married. My wife, Gina, is everything and more that is in this article. We are high school sweethearts and have been happily, no passionately married for almost 29 years. I love this woman with everything I have. I treat her like a queen because she is my queen. She allows me to be the man of the house and the leader of our family. Not only is she an incredible wife, but an amazing mother. We have raised two of the most unbelievable children that you would ever meet. Smart, respectful, kind, tough, and both will be fantastic members of society. I feel sorry for the women that don’t realize that allowing your husband to be the man actually gives you happiness and control of your life. I see it all around me and truly feel sorry for both husband and wife. I have friends that say to me ALL the time, “Man, you seem so happy with Gina”. I tell them the truth; my wife believes in me and is not selfish with her love. In life and in everything, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Some people believe they are in the middle. Sorry, it’s one or the other.
This article made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Thanks for sharing.
I will continue to read your article, but here is where my – stubborn, prideful brain and heart stopped to say this is not true – The truth is, most men are relatively simple. They want you to honor them in word and deed. They enjoy a delicious, home-cooked meal. And they’d like some lovin’ on a regular basis. Give them these things, and they’ll treat you like a queen. They’ll gladly knock out your to-do list, give you a foot rub, and hang the moon for you while they’re at it. All you have to do to unlock this goodness is learn to let your husband be a man, and it starts with treating him like one..
Whoa!! This came at the absolute prefect time. Was talking with my love about a recent instance when I really didn’t treat him as reslectfully and kindly as I should. Thank God, he was willing to explain what I’d said/done and how it hurt him. I’m bookmarking this for future reference
I would like some advice. My husband wants me and the kids to go with him to Venezuela, where he wants to do missionary work. However, food and medicine are scarce there. Plus, the crime rate is high and the kds are small. What do you advise?
Sarah– Wow! That’s a huge potential life change for your family! If you don’t agree with your husband’s leading on this subject, I would suggest that you go talk to a pastor or counselor together as you navigate the decision. It’s a touchy thing– he may really be led by the Lord on this, but if he is not, it’s much easier to realize that now. It will help both of you to have an unbiased 3rd party weigh in and help you stay in peace with each other. BLESSINGS Sister! -Lizzie
1. Let him take charge. IF he wants to take charge. I personally like being in charge and my wife like me being in charge. BUT not in everything. Dinner plans, all me. Raising our three teens…it takes all of us. Bedroom, we share. I think the lesson is communication.
2. Trust his judgement. But it goes both ways. I also have to trust her judgement…and I do. AND, we each have to earn that trust. It takes time.
3. Treat him with respect. Fine. But I need to treat her with the same or more respect.
Many men know (and maybe even memorized) this scripture: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
BUT, they often forget the very next scriptures: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
4. Appreciate his contributions and accomplishments. Yes. I have to admit. This is HUGE for me. But every time I want to be appreciated, it’s only a reminder that I need to appreciate HER.
5. Give him time to pursue his interests. True. But I literally have this quote printed by my desk. “Become an expert in the things that refresh your wife.” My wife LOVES and is refreshed when she can do something creative or when she can meet up with friends for lunch. So I make those things my priority.
6. Let him be the hero and delight in being his leading lady. Ok. I’ll admit. We like being your hero.
7. Believe in him. Yes. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, believe in Him. My beautiful Christian wife followed Jesus even when I didn’t “feel like it”. She prayed that I would hunger and thirst for Him for THIRTEEN YEARS. Six years ago we sold everything we owned and moved to Guatemala as full time missionaries. Be careful what you pray for.
George— I LOVE your contributions here. Thanks so much for taking the time to share. God bless you and your lovely bride! 🙂
I am in desperate need of a turnaround in my marriage. I sometimes feel like it is almost too late. Same pattern every couple of months. I need prayer and help because this is affecting my children and my home. This article helps, but I am afraid he will leave me because he acts and talks like he does not want me. I do not know where to begin.
I realize this is an old post. I saw myself in this though. Once your husband has already quit leading and leaves everything up to you. How do you reverse it? Because I have been the nit picky one and now he WON’T lead. I have seen the errors I have made. But I am not sure how to change now after (17) years of marriage.
Missie– It’s still the same path, friend. Work with God to change You. Go before your husband with genuine repentance and then walk out being a different wife. A lot of times in these cases– the wife will offer leadership back to the husband, but he’s so worn down he won’t try. Then the wife just thinks– well, if he’s not going to lead I guess I’ll just keep doing it. So he never steps up. I’d say hand some things over to him that you know have been important to him. Let him know you’ve been wrong and you’re asking him to take the reins on those things. Then don’t do anything with them. Leave them alone until he picks them up. And in the meantime– maintain an awesome, loving, honoring attitude. (I love the book “Keep your love on” by Danny Silk) Find ways to honor your man and love him using his love language. The key is in the walking it out! BLESSINGS on you and your marriage, my sweet friend!
Did you ever get a response? I am in the same position. How have you changed? What have you done to give your husband the reins and let him lead?
Hi Dawn! I haven’t heard back from Missie to know if things have improved– but this was what I told her:
Missie– It’s still the same path, friend. Work with God to change You. Go before your husband with genuine repentance and then walk out being a different wife. A lot of times in these cases– the wife will offer leadership back to the husband, but he’s so worn down he won’t try. Then the wife just thinks– well, if he’s not going to lead I guess I’ll just keep doing it. So he never steps up. I’d say hand some things over to him that you know have been important to him. Let him know you’ve been wrong and you’re asking him to take the reins on those things. Then don’t do anything with them. Leave them alone until he picks them up. And in the meantime– maintain an awesome, loving, honoring attitude. (I love the book “Keep your love on” by Danny Silk) Find ways to honor your man and love him using his love language. The key is in the walking it out! BLESSINGS on you and your marriage, my sweet friend!
It’s amazing how much I relate to all of this, my husband is just like this. He’s in touch enough with himself that he actually verbalizes it to me- yet I still struggle to treat him right. Thank you for your prayers after each article.
Unfortunately the food we feed ourselves(tv, Facebook posts, the media, etc…)goes contrary to this advice. Even on the hgtv shows, they encourage being critical of spouses ideas and someone else’s home. Those critics are critical without grace. I’ve been married for 40 years and it gets harder all the time. We can read this and say it’s good but if we don’t look at ourselves closely, we don’t realize we are that person we don’t want to be.
thanks for the prayer
I have been married for seven months, and this is something that I have been struggling with very much recently. I love my husband so so very dearly, but after reading this I can see how I do undermine him. He’s very soft spoken, and I come from a home with a father that was absolutely not. I have a hard time not trying to be controlling, because in our house my mother was my mother & my father at the same time and I struggle following my husband’s lead. I struggle giving him his space, even though I see him plenty if he plans an entire day away I get so very needy and it usually causes a fight. In these times, I now know that I should cherish him and support him and his independence. That it doesn’t make him a bad man in any way, and that it will make the time that we spend together more amazing because of it. Thank you for this post! I needed this today, and I needed the prayer at the end of your post. I will be back to read so many more of your posts! Thank you so very much!!
You nailed it!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I found it by accident, reset my Pinterest feed before I read it, and felt a pull to return to it. So I searched for your post and was glued to it.
There is so much truth in everything you said, and I’m so thankful that God put it on your heart to share it because I’ve been struggling with this so much. The Bible verses, the prayer… I needed them.
Heavenly Father thank You for guiding this woman in this post, for putting it on her heart to share with the world. Lord I ask that You bless her and everyone who reads it, so that Your grace and love shine through and touch the hearts of all who need to hear this from You. Amen!
This was just the wisdom I needed! Thank you so much for sharing!
This hits close to home. My ex wasn’t a good husband but I wasn’t a good wife either. I’m guilty of all these things. Now I have a second chance with a new partner and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you! God Bless!
Oh my word I love this post! I wish there was a love button! It definitely hit me on a few points but that’s ok because we need to be reminded sometime that our husbands are human too! We need to give what we want to receive and more. Thanks for such great reminders!
I’m a widow of 3 years getting ready to marry a man I met 1 year ago. He’s not perfect. but perfect for me. I will keep this reminder to do all these things. I think I already do, but just in case I slip.
Yep I let my ex husband be the man. Lost my life savings, my home all because I trusted his judgement over mine. I suggest letting men be men and women start to learn to be adults and not perpetual children.
Janifa– I am so so sorry to hear that. How absolutely horrendous. I agree with you— there has to be a balance of wisdom too. Women should never be doormats.
Love this post, thank you
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. My marriage is on the rocks, and you are giving me tools to help resurrect it. Even more, I am moved by and thankful for your prayer for me. Blessings, dear sister.
I am this guy that has been trampled. No suggestion I make goes unpunished. Just getting out of the house because I am tired of sitting down all night(which is what is expected of me) watching tv is attacked with cynicism. If my boss needs me to come in an hour early, I am attacked. Any slight mention of this though, she goes into meltdown and talking about how she ruined my life and ruining everything. She goes to the other extreme. How do I change this when she has these horrible mood swings attached with such a controlling attitude?
Hello
Hello. Tonight i came across your site and it’s absolutely what ive been needing/looking for. Ive been asking God how i can be a better wife to heal my marriage and to honor God. A few years ago I was fired from my career. Thats when i realized my career became my identity. Which i know now thats not the right thing. Getting fired really changed my life and changed me. I turned to pills and became a depressed bitter woman. Things are a lot better with me but im dealing/struggling with some things. First im still tryi
ng to find myself. I feel like im still stuck ar cross road. I want to find that same satisfaction of doing something in the world that i used to. Also this has caused major problems in my marriage and my children. So im writing for some Christian wife/mother advice.
Hi Haley! I just realized you left this comment a few months back and I hope you’ve found some resolution. The Proverbs 31 woman absolutely worked outside of the home during some seasons of her life and enjoyed a rich, fulfilling home and career life. I believe you can have this too! 🙂 Prayers!! Lizzie
Thank you so much for this post . I ran into this while sitting at the table totally on my last straw with my husband. Feeling frustrated, lost , and over it. We’ve been fight for what he has counted 4 days over communication, “manning up” taking the lead role, trust of judgement and the list goes on. I feel so very convicted after reading this to the point i broke down in tears and apologized to my husband. All this time I have been contributing to the things I’m frustrated with. Thank you for this light you’ve shed on my marriage.
WOW! Thanks for sharing Mrs Gardner! Humility is always the way forward for both partners. I really believe that God’s dream for marriage is a true partnership where BOTH parties are heard, respected, loved, AND have a leadership role. It’s a process of mutual submission. I love how you humbled yourself and found a place of accountability. <3 That is to be admired.
My husband and I both are in equal submission to one another. We are equal in power but still play different positions. Many think submission is to obey every word but it is rather sacrificially giving one’s self to the other. I’m glad I have a husband who knows my worth as I do his. We both struggle at times with submission but we both are working to grow together with each other towards God.
I’m afraid I’d have to disagree with your first bullet point detail- God did NOT make Man and Women equal, otherwise we’d be the same gender.
In Ephesians 5:22 it says for wives the submit themselves to their husbands – This is God’s commandment, so wives have to let the husband lead as we cannot go against God’s commandment otherwise this would be disobedience. Eve was created to be Adam’s helper,Adam was not created to be Eve’s helper Genesis 2:18 therefore this already sets the stage that we’re not equal – excluding our biology
Please, I urge everyone to thoroughly read the Bible and seek The Kingdom for themselves so they’re not mislead and confused if anyone doesn’t understand the Bible please The Heavenly Father, God Almighty for clarification, we should each have our own personal relationship with Him.
Jesus is coming soon.
Hi Carmen! Thanks so much for your comment! I believe that the bible makes it clear that husbands and wives are different– but it does not make the wife LESS THAN. There is a mutual submission that is very evident in these verses:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might [a]sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.”
So the wife is asked to submit to him and the husband is asked to die for her. I’d call that mutual submission that makes them equal with different roles.
For further study, I believe “Fashioned to Reign” by Kris Vallotton does an excellent job explaining the context and correct translation of the verses that discuss the roles of women in marriage, church, and society.
I appreciate your input Sister! Prayers and peace to you family from mine! 🙂