Today I need to be totally vulnerable with you. I’ve worked really hard on myself for a long time, and I’ve made INCREDIBLE progress. Seriously. I am NOT who I used to be and I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I can genuinely say that I love the woman I have become. But there’s still a part of me that isn’t healed yet. In fact, by the looks of things, I’m nowhere near where I need to be. Maybe you can relate.
The issue that I continue to battle is my relationship with food.
I’ve been somewhere on the continuum of mildly to extremely overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve yo-yo’d, I’ve dieted, I’ve exercised, and I’ve thrown in the towel—all with varying intensity. But I always seem to wind up back in the same place I started.
I just absolutely love food. It’s my escape, my reward, my fun, a comfort, and what I look forward to. While I understand the repercussions I still FEEL like it should always taste good and I should be able to eat whatever I want. When a craving comes on, especially at the end of the day, it’s all but impossible for me to resist the temptation. Because after a long day, and the battles I face, and the giants I slay, I feel like I deserve it.
SO MANY people struggle with this thought pattern and lifestyle, and yet the truth is that all of these things I choose to believe are lies from the devil. What I’m really saying is– I deserve poor health, I deserve fake and processed food, I deserve bondage over freedom, I deserve artificial joy over true joy, I deserve putting my future and my family’s future at risk… Something that seems like such an everyday “issue” for so many of us is really a profoundly evil attack in what appears to be innocent packaging.
But something is changing. I’m becoming stronger and the enemy’s grip is weakening. In this season of life, my concerns around over-eating are much more significant than wishing for a nicer figure or needing to make better choices for my long term health… Now the future of my child and whether or not I will have more children lie in the balance.
I don’t want to skim past how important I feel it is to give my daughter a different experience with food. I want to start her out right and model healthy eating habits for her. I want to develop her palate with an inclination towards natural, whole foods. I want her to go for a walk or create artwork when she needs to blow off steam or relax. I want her to look forward to an activity after her work is done instead of a handful (or plate) of homemade cookies. I need to conquer this area for her.
But I also have another, more urgent motivation…
I have to get A LOT healthier if I’m going to fulfill my dream of having more biological children. Without taking these steps, it won’t be safe for me to get pregnant again. (Read my birth story.)
It’s actually a beautiful motivator, isn’t it? I get to preserve my life in order to bring forth new life. God always works all things for our good (Romans 8:28).
I’m excited and scared and hopeful and nervous all at once, but I know that I have the tools to beat this. There’s always hope for us, no matter what we’re facing or fighting. We cannot listen to the voices of the world or the enemy.
So, just in case you’re curious, or have a giant in your life you need to take down, the next step is this:
We have to identify the ROOT of why we do what we do.
I have to dig deep in my heart and soul, far back into my past, and figure out why I began to overeat all those years ago. I need to find out why I feel like food is a reward, and why I feel like I deserve a constant reward. I need to investigate why I use food as a medication and an escape—why eating feels like a few stolen moments for me to savor and be happy.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
To read more about addressing the root issue, read my post: To the Woman Who Keeps Struggling in the Same Pattern of Defeat
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