We’ve all heard it again and again:
God wants you to forgive.
Forgiveness is about setting yourself free.
Forgive others so God can forgive you.
And we’re intelligent human beings. We know that these things are true. But sometimes, it’s just too big, it’s been too long, or it hurts too much. We want to forgive (except when we don’t). We just can’t.
Sister or Brother, I know how you feel. I’ve been in your shoes. And I am so so sorry for how much you’ve been hurt. I’m so sorry that people you counted on have failed you. I’m so sorry that it seems like even God failed you because He didn’t stop it. While you may not be perfect, you most definitely didn’t deserve it. Not at all. I wanted something so much better for you, and I’m sending you an absolutely gigantic bear hug right now.
When I was a new believer in Christ, one of the first (and MAJOR) things I needed to deal with was unforgiveness. I had it in spades. My spiritual mama taught me that there are 5 steps to forgiveness and they were so helpful in moving my heart in the right direction. Here’s what she said:
Step 1: You know you have to forgive but you still want to kill them.
Step 2: You decide you are going to forgive, but just the thought of the person incites wrath and pain within you.
Step 3: You ask God to step in and help you forgive.
Step 4: You surrender and allow God to help you forgive.
Step 5: God gives you His love for the person and you no longer feel any heaviness or anger when you think about them. (You’ll really know you’ve hit number 5 when you can freely and sincerely pray blessings and healing over them without an inkling of force or bitterness.)
I must have had quite the look on my face, because then my spiritual mama added with a twinkle in her eye— “Sometimes there’s a half step between one and two where you just have to say, ‘Lord, I’m willing to be made willing.’”
Listen, friend, I love you too much to let you stay where you are. You have to move out of complacency with your unforgiveness. I am overwhelmed with grief for your pain and I know this might be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but I entreat you to forgive. Seek peace in your own heart. It’s not good enough to just say, “God loves me where I’m at” and shrug it off.
Jesus was very clear on this point:
If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
–Matthew 6:14-15
To me, this reads as a salvation issue. We HAVE to forgive to receive the forgiveness we need to enter the gates of heaven. You need to start dealing with this right now. Use my spiritual mama’s 5 steps. Tell God you’re “willing to be made willing.” Start somewhere. And if you need more help—message me. I can suggest resources. Or talk to a spiritual leader in your life. Just don’t let unforgiveness continue to fester. There are real consequences.
Additionally, unforgiveness is a HUGE barrier to answered prayer. If you’re praying and nothing is happening, you may be harboring unforgiveness for someone. Is there anyone you have negative feelings toward? Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if there’s someone you need to forgive and release. Don’t let anything or anyone come between you and your God. <3
Let me pray for you:
Lord, I lift up my sister or brother to you this moment in prayer. I ask that you would help them to feel your presence, perceive your compassion, and receive your overwhelming love right now in Jesus name. I ask that you would help them on their road to healing. Please bring Godly people across their path, that they can relate to and receive from, who will walk alongside them. Lord I ask that you would soften their heart toward their offender. Minister tenderness, love, and mercy to them, and Lord replace their stony heart with a heart of flesh, and their anger and bitterness with your sacrificial love for them, just as you did for me. I pray a special blessing upon my sister or brother and their family this day, and I ask all of these things in the precious name of Jesus. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. Amen.
Be blessed and be at peace, sweet friend.
All my Love,
p.s. As I dealt with the most difficult challenges to forgive in my own life, I was extremely grateful to have the Restoring Relationships ministry to help me. Read my story here.
I am not sure if this is the right place for this…but I so desperately need help. I became a Christian 8 weeks before I was due to marry my non Christian husband. My vicar said I should still go ahead and marry him even though he wasn’t a Christian. Due to a horrendously low self esteem and domineering father, I married Mike because someone/he loved me when I thought I was unlovable. Not because I loved him or even liked him very much ?
20 years later my marriage has been one of overwhelming sadness and regret, but I try and do what is right and persevere.
We have had two children who are the absolute light of my life and beacons of hope in my otherwise bleak world. Now however my precious daughter is preparing to go to uni in Sept and my son will be following shortly after. So it will be just my husband and I.
We are arguing continuosly. I feel so bitter with him that I feel although he has provided for his children..he just does not engage or connect with them. My daughter suffers from anxiety and says she wishes “daddy loved her as much as her brother” . It makes my heart bleed.
I feel like my heart has grown stone, cold and immovable. I know I am short tempered with my husband but we have become trapped in a vicious circle of irritation, anger and bitterness. This on occasion has recently become physical…..from me ?.
Please help. I do not know where to turn. My vicar just reprimanded me in a light hearted way for not being a submissive and humble wife and left it at that. I just can’t seem to be and it’s making me question my trust in God..
Clare — I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s a desperate place and I know how you feel. Can I just tell you– there is SO MUCH hope! As much as you may not be happy with your husband, the only thing we can control in life is ourselves– and our responses to things. You can’t change him, but you can work on you, sweet friend! I commend you for identifying your own anger and bitterness – that is amazing and shows really humility in your heart. You need to seek the Lord for healing. You need to place all of this at His feet. I think you would find so much help in the program of Restoring Relationships. The online journey walked me through my own layers of pain starting from early childhood into present day (God is thorough like that!) – and if you give it your all, I know you’ll have a profound testimony too. You can register and do this in the comfort and privacy of your own home — you can learn more about my story and get the link to the ministry here: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/recommended-resources/restoring-relationships/ OR– this ministry is connected to a counseling practice! If you know you could use more, personal help, call them! They can work with you over the phone or via skype or facetime: (570)523-0605
I pray tremendous healing, victory, and restoration over you in Jesus’ name!!!
I just read Clares cry for help.. I do understand too. I think I will look into your restoration study. I feel hate after a deep, deep betrayal. I have been a Christian most of my life… Hate is a horrible emotion.. Emotions are impossible to deal without Christ intervention. I too will have to keep pressing on and humbling ask over and over for freedom from this. Thanks Lizzie for your links.
Teri
BLESSINGS Teri! Let me know how you do! Restoring Relationships is AMAZING!