Hi there beautiful,
Yes— I see you in there. You are still precious and powerful and captivating to me and to GOD. You’re still a breathtaking woman with an irreplaceable purpose regardless of how you’ve been treated by others or lies that have been spoken over you for years.
I’m standing vigil here– praying for you, cherishing you, and fighting for you in the Spirit.
On behalf of women everywhere, kind, Godly men, the church, and even God the Father Himself—I want to tell you how desperately sorry I am for what you have endured. The pain you should have never felt. The tears you should have never cried. The life you should have never lived.
It is so important for me to say this to you directly because I write a lot about marriage and relationships. I offer advice to women about how to treat their husbands and what a Godly marriage and wife looks like. But you, sweet one, need to hear some VERY SPECIFIC direction from me that trumps all that other advice. OK? Are you listening?
If someone is verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abusing you—you MUST get professional help. Period. It’s not because there’s something wrong with you—it’s because you deserve support. It’s because they’ll help you navigate the difficult waters of dealing with an abuser and set healthy boundaries.
I am the number one biggest supporter of fighting for our loved ones who are lost in sin or seem too far gone. I talk constantly about reconciliation and forgiveness. I don’t believe ANYONE is a lost cause. I know that ANY relationship can be healed when God intervenes. However “We [must] use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments, (2 Corinthians 10:4).”
This means that we don’t stay in an abusive situation and enable the sin and we don’t try to fix a person or relationship in the natural. Sometimes the answer is to leave— hopefully only for a season– while our offender becomes accountable and heals. We must remove ourselves when necessary, and fight with spiritual weapons like prayer, standing in agreement with others, accountability, pursuing new levels of spiritual maturity and authority, and setting boundaries.
In abusive situations, here are the steps you should take with the direction and guidance of the precious Holy Spirit:
1) Get professional, Godly help.
My very favorite ministry for this is Restoring Relationships. They are in Pennsylvania but offer counseling services remotely. They are incredibly anointed and I literally recommend them to families daily for every kind of issue you can imagine from abuse and infidelity, to parent-child conflict and behavioral problems. If you contact them, let them know Lizzie Smiley sent you. They’ll take wonderful care of you.
If you prefer, there are also churches, private practices, and ministries local to you that can help. The easiest thing to do is call a local church, tell them you are looking for Godly support and counsel for an abuse situation, and ask for a referral to a professional who can help. If the first church you call can’t or doesn’t help, keep calling other churches until you find one that can. Don’t give up. One tip— bigger churches often have more resources like this.
2) If the offender will not submit immediately to counsel and accountability and/or they continue in their pattern of abuse, SEPARATE from them physically. You may even need to sever contact for now.
Don’t wait. Don’t debate or analyze. Remove yourself and tell someone you trust what’s going on so they can support you.
This process is called Separation Unto Reconciliation. The goal is ultimately to heal and come back together—so it doesn’t have to feel final or permanent. It’s just the beginning of a healthier life. You absolutely SHOULD NOT remain in the physical presence of an abuser—for your sake AND for theirs. By removing yourself you:
-Make yourself safe
-Protect others such as children or pets, etc. who are involved
-Stop enabling and allowing the bad behavior
-Motivate change and accountability in your offender
-Step into your destiny as a powerful woman of God who stands for and fights for His values
-Place your offender in the hands of the Living God
-Take a critical step on the path to your own healing
Your offender may react strongly to your new boundary. That’s normal. And that’s why you NEED SUPPORT. Do not respond to their threats other than by alerting the authorities and taking measures for protection when necessary. You will need specific counsel for how to handle this—again, I reiterate—please work with a professional immediately.
At the end of the day, there’s nothing more important than the salvation—the eternal fate—of both you and your abuser. I know you love them dearly. Love them enough to lead them back to God. Love them enough to make them fight for right-standing with Him. Whether they end up in heaven or hell may lie in the balance.
3) Do exactly what the professional tells you to do.
Sometimes it might seem hard, impossible, and the exact opposite of what you want to do. Do it anyway and ask God for strength. They know what they’re doing and have helped people in these situations before.
Your strict compliance to your counselor’s instruction is critical to your healing and the healing of your relationship.
4) Pray.
Pray for everyone involved and pray without agenda. Ask God to intervene. Loose the Host of Heaven to tear down strongholds.
Lift everyone up to God and ask Him to bring forth His perfect will in each person’s life. Pray for blessings and grace and healing and salvation over each person. These are the purest forms of prayer you can offer up.
5) Work on you.
This season is really important for you. God did not want all of these things to happen to you—but HE WILL create beauty from your ashes if you partner with Him for healing. One day you will look back on this time and see how God’s Sovereign hand led you through to safer shores. You’ll see how He carried you when you had no strength to walk or lift your head. You’ll remember how He collected all of your tears in a bottle (Ps. 56:8), knew the very number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7), and NEVER left you nor forsook you (Deut. 31:6).
The best advice I can give you is to press into God with everything you’ve got. Ask God to purify your heart and lead you into peace. Work on forgiveness.
My mentor Dominic Herbst, who is a Christian Psychologist and the founder of Restoring Relationships, says:
“Forgiveness is often misunderstood.
Forgiveness is not something you give to others as a way of condoning or accepting their behaviors against you.
Forgiveness is surrendering your personal right to take vengeance on your offender. It does not condone what your offender has done, but rather releases you from vengeful feelings and places their judgment in the hands of the Living God.
The most powerful demonstration of forgiveness was when Jesus surrendered His life at the cross. Amidst all the ridicule, humiliation and torment, Jesus obediently gave His life to redeem a world lost in sin. What a paradox that the greatest travesty of justice could be transformed into the greatest eternal victory, releasing such power that sin, Satan, and death were overcome.
When we forgive, that same awesome power is released into our lives from heaven.”
The last thing I want is for you to become bitter– because that will affect your relationship with God, others, and your future. It’s not what happens to us that destroys us—it’s our response to what happens. It’s bitterness and unforgiveness that will ultimately ruin our lives. Ask God to purify your heart, help you forgive and heal, and walk you forward into your destiny.
PRECIOUS ONE— Remember that you are God’s masterpiece (Eph. 2:10). It’s time to let Him rescue you. Listen for His still small voice. Take heart and step out in courage. Before you go, please allow me to pray for you today:
Dear Heavenly Father,
With tears in my eyes and heavy grief in my heart, I come before your throne on behalf of my sister who is hurting and broken and scared and seeking you. Lord—meet her at her place of greatest need. Holy Spirit, pour your presence over her like a flood right now so she knows you’re right there with her. Draw her heart to yours Father—tuck her under your mighty wings according to Psalm 91.
In Jesus’ name I pray courage, boldness, power, and anointing over her for what lies ahead. Lead her into all truth, heal her, deliver her, and set her free. Give her the grace to follow your leading and see all truth through your eyes.
Right now I command every stronghold to break and crumble, in Jesus’ name. I plead the blood of Jesus over her and everyone involved in her life. I ask you, Lord, to release the hounds of heaven to draw the heart of her offender(s). I bind rebellion and loose a spirit of conviction and repentance. I bind unbelief and deception and release faith and truth. I speak freedom, healing, and reconciliation over her life, in the mighty name of Jesus.
Host of Heaven, I command you to go forth and make all of her crooked places straight. Go before her and clear the path. Draw the people and resources she needs to fight the good fight. Uncover and unseat all the plans of the enemy and stand guard as a wall of protection around her.
I bless her as she goes in and goes out. I bless her in the city and in the country. Lord, I ask that you surround her with a ring of fire, a ring of love, your Holy angels, and your cloud of witnesses. Provide for her every need and comfort her heart.
Lord we thank you for your promises and that you work out all things for good for those who love you (Romans 8:28). May these seeds of prayer and faith take root and bear fruit—never ceasing to grow and mature until Christ be formed in my sister, her offender(s), and their entire family. I thank you for your faithfulness and for who you are to us, in us, and through us, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
To everyone else— those who have overcome, those on the other side, those who know someone personally who has been abused, those who have a word of encouragement, or anyone who wants to show love to our sister—please pour out your hearts to our readers in the comments.
Please note: I am not a medical or legal professional. I’m just a sister in Christ who is praying for you and cares about you. This message is straight for my heart, but should not be construed as medical or legal advice. Please seek professional counsel for help in your particular situation.
I have been in a marriage where I was abused, physically, verbally, emotionally & sexually. It remains one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, but it has also shaped and formed me into the woman I am today, and I have to admit I like myself better now than in the past. I was living in a country where getting professional help was not available to me, as much as I would have loved to have gotten that kind of help, I was ‘on my own’. Yet we are never truly alone when we have the Lord on our side. By his Grace, much, much prayer, many tears and a lot of forgiveness, I can say I’m on the other end of it now. The scars will remain, I hope they will fade more as time goes by yet, but I have gained a much greater empathy for others!! I am a better parent now, a better wife and a more Godly woman. My prayers is to one day be able to help other woman in the same situation!
Mandi— Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for sharing. PRAISE GOD for always showing up when people don’t. I will be praying forth your powerful ministry to other women in Jesus’ mighty name! BLESSINGS!!!
My husband had been abusing me everyday for two years straight..I relapsed and he has abandoned us… He went to his ex and talked so badly about me two years ago we been together 28 years but I can’t take no more. Please jesus help me.
My husband of 2 years is verbally and emotionally abusive now weekly. I think I have begun to just dissociate which I know is just a rear sign of true abuse. I have a child and I want to just leave. We can’t take anymore. I don’t think there is any love in his heart. Only manipulation. I need prayer.
Kathy– I am so very sorry to hear your story. 🙁 You absolutely deserve the support of a local counselor as you decide on your next steps! I pray wisdom and peace over you in Jesus’ name!
I have suffered abuse for 20 years now. Just last night, I think my husband broke my wrist and tried to tear the door off my car when I tried to get away from him. I’ve hid it all my life. We have 3 kids and they are torn. They want us to stay together and when I mention leaving I become the bad person. My husband goes into depression, crying, saying he’s a bad person and sorry, and plays on everyone’s emotions. The abuse has never stopped. Episodes have become farther apart but always resurfaces. It’s effecting me mentally and physically. I trust no one and have started with chronic migraines. I hold everything in and hide our pain from the real world. If you were to tell most people what my husbands guilty of they wouldn’t believe it because he’s so charismatic and successful. Luckily I have kept proof plus the kids can witness. My issue is I don’t want a divided home. My relationship with the Lord is everything and right now the only person I can trust. PLEASE pray for me and for God to intervene. I’m exhausted, depressed, and feel hopeless. I don’t know where else to turn.
I am so so sorry to hear how hard it’s been. I literally wrote this post just for women like you. <3 I can't encourage you enough to follow the suggestions I've provided here. Do not let a spirit of control and manipulation prevent you from setting healthy boundaries. God bless you, sister! I'll be praying for you!
Hi sweetheart. I understand completely where you are and what you’ve endured as I have suffered as you are now. I know that you do not want to divide your home, but standing up for what is right and against what is wrong is not & will not divide your home. I was in a marriage just like yours for 17 years. The abuse escalated to the point when my husband tried to kill me. God’s Word tells husbands to LOVE their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Hinself up for her; for husbands NOT to be harsh with their wives. Our husbands have not only broken the civil law, but God’s law. You do not have to suffer anymore. There IS hope! There IS help. You have to choose it, dear sister in Jesus. February will mark 2 years ago that I ended the violence by counseling with my pastor and finally reporting my husbands abuse to the authorities. I do not and didn’t want my husband to suffer; I did not nor do I want revenge. I long for my husband to come to conviction and repentance. Sometimes that means that we must step out of God’s way and allow our husbands’ the responsibility and consequences for their choices and actions fall upon them. I have linked some articles that have helped me immensely in my journey.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/clarifying-words-on-wife-abuse and https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/october/domestic-violence-abuse.html
Both articles are very illuminating and helped me to recognize much of what I could not see. There are a great many churches and resources or there for you. The YWCA will literally walk you through every step and if you choose to do so, will help you obtain a protection order and a safe place for you and your children to go. My daughters were VERY angry with me & yes, I was “the bad guy” for a time. But now, they see what God’s Love is capable of. They see a healthy, happy mom who depends on God for everything. You don’t have to suffer anymore. I pray that God will give you supernatural courage and strength, hope and peace. Remember that with God, NOTHING is impossible!!!
Lizzie,
I am stunned as I read your article. I lived that life in a Christian home for 17 years. I went from an outgoing, thriving, happy woman to one who was isolated, hopeless, completely emotionally exhausted. As I prayed, “God, what do I do?”, He met me. Ten years ago, with the help of pastors and a counselor, I was able to get out. This “leaving” was with the hope of restoration. My husband was a charismatic Sunday School teacher with a huge following, however, no one knew of the emotional, spiritual, verbal and sometimes physical abuse in our lives. While this marriage ultimately ended in divorce, I was able to move on with my children. Some of them are adults now and have asked why I didn’t get out sooner. I thought I was hiding so much from them. I wasn’t.
Thank you for sharing these key details for women, and possibly men, in an abusive relationship. I didn’t have these steps laid out for me then, just the Lord walking me through each step. I only told someone that could help me. My pastor and elders were actively involved. I was able to process feelings with a counselor (for years) and then my children with the same counselor got help. I am grateful that He hears the cries of His children, so very grateful.
It is my hope that someone will “stumble” across your blog post and they will get some direction that maybe only in their heart they have cried out for. Thank you again and God bless.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story and this word of encouragement with all of the women who visit here. <3
Hi, Lizzie.
I love your articles and I think this article was useful. I admit I felt a bit left out, slighted, perhaps, by your article. Women aren’t always the ones who are abused in relationships. In my first marriage, I was the one being abused. I have pain from injuries that my wife inflicted on me twenty years ago. I was too sick to get out of the relationship. She passed six years ago. In many ways that was a deliverance for us both. God has healed me from much of my codependency and taught me to set and hold boundaries. I’m fairly certain my first wife wouldn’t tolerate having the new me around anymore. I have remarried to a most wonderful and godly woman with much better mental and emotional health. Sometimes it is hard for me to bridge between the man that God has transformed me to become with that man, sitting on the floor, getting kicked by his wife.
Hi there Traveler! Thanks for taking a moment to comment and share your story! I’m sure it will be an encouragement for others. I’m so sorry you felt left out! My audience and those who come to my site are 99.9% women, so I make it a point to write directly to them. But I don’t for a second undervalue what you’ve been through and overcome! Blessings!!!! -Lizzie
I’m a survivor of this type of relationship.
We have stayed married and are now 6 years in.
Our first few years of marriage was very bad. It was to the point that I thought often of suicide. My husband was an alcoholic at that point (has been clean for over a year). Night after night he would pick fights about the slightest thing (never physical, I’m very emotionally tender). It would leave me crying praying God would take me. Many nights I recall going out to my car to sleep. He would do and say things that are so humiliating that I could never repeat. Just thinking of it now still kills me a little bit.
I’m crazy I guess, but I know he’s gone through way too much as a kid where he was treated in the same manner. I know his heart despite his objections that he is a “monster”. A monster would never admit it. I know that he is a good man, so I chose to keep loving him and forgiving him and finally convinced him to go to marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling started out with him venting about the things I did that made him mad, but the things she said finally started to sink in with him. We went for about two years and slowly began weening off sessions.
Life over the past year has been so good. I won’t sugar coat things, just like any other couple, we have disagreements and annoyances, but now we have the tools to communicate.
He now understands the thing I’ve been doing since day one in our marriage: Everything I do in my life is for our family. God gave me a very deep compassion and I use that to better evaluate how someone else feels and what they need. God gave me a very loving heart that loves very pure, with no hate, no selfishness, & no revenge. And the best part of it all, he is finally started to show those same great qualities in himself.
It isn’t easy going through this stuff. It will hurt so deep, whether it is physical or not. Always choose love, but also understand, God doesn’t put someone in your life to be an endless torture. There are relationships that are not meant to be. If someone refuses to see your love and God’s love, then the foundation of a loving relationship is not possible.
I pray that you find peace. I pray that your burden be lightened. I pray that you find hope and power in God. Know that he is always with you.
What about addiction and drug use. My husband remains unrepentant of his addictions and drug use. I tried to buy a house to get away from him and he ended moving in before I could even step foot into it since I’m 7 months pregnant. now I’m staying with a older Christian family homeless. While hes doing drugs in the new house laughing and not caring about anything.
My husband loves these articles about letting your husband be a man, to “show” me what I need to do better and validate that he is not the problem, which is a complete Misuse of good advice meant for healthy relationships.
The problem is I’ve been doing all of these things to the point where I became a non person and he abused me more and more. I found this article to be much more applicable. I’ve been advised by many professionals over the years to leave him, I finally worked up the courage and was so amazed at how much better everyone in the family was doing, I’m deeply saddened that that’s what it really did take. The principles can definitely be over applied and should not be applied to someone who takes advantage of them, that’s an entirely different story.
He claims to want to work on the marriage finally but nothing has changed, its only getting worse still. thankfully there are many other people and support involve now so it’s not just me anymore. But its still so hard, will you please pray for me and our family? I read your prayer at the end and I cried and cried and prayed it out loud for myself and my family.
please also that your readers know how hard it is to find help within the church because too often they just do not recognize or acknowledge abuse, as they are not trained in it at all so I would not consider them a professional for abuse even though they are professional in the church. It’s important to find someone who’s a professional in both areas not just one. Otherwise it’s often miscategorized under submission and leadership and many times I was simply sent away told to practice harder things you normally hear in your article about honoring and submitting more, like letting your husband be a man, when that was simply not what was going on in our home. Thank you for addressing that there is another issue that needs to be addressed.
I have no encouraging story to share..but I humbly ask for your all’s prayers as I begin to fight though the battle of leaving my abusive husband..abusive in every way..and gas cheated also. My heart is so torn..between forgiving and protecting my own self.
Donna,
You can count on our prayers! Setting a healthy boundary isn’t just best for you– it’s best for your husband too. When we stop enabling an abuser, we hand them right over to the Living God which is the best thing that can possibly happen to them. Ultimately, we want to see them bound for heaven and set free while they’re alive on this earth. My mentor– Christian Psychologist Dominic Herbst– has a saying that you may find helpful:
“Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not something you give to others as a way of condoning or accepting their behaviors against you.
Forgiveness is surrendering your personal right to take vengeance on your offender. It does not condone what your offender has done, but rather releases you from vengeful feelings and places their judgment in the hands of the Living God.
While it may not be possible to experience fellowship with our offenders(s), we should not risk our personal relationship with the Lord by withholding forgiveness from them. We are not at liberty to withhold forgiveness While from others, because He promises never to withhold forgiveness from us.
The real power of forgiveness is in what it offers to the individual giving it.”
Dominic Herbst, Psychologist
RestoringRelationships.org
Press into the Lord during this season Donna! Do what He’s calling you to do and then seek healing in Him for every wound. I know there is beauty for ashes awaiting you!
BLESSINGS, Lizzie Smiley
I too am in the same situation as many of the previous posts. My husband is chronically abusive (verbally and physically) and unfaithful. I’ve grown to the point where I hate him, hate the sight of him and have no respect for him. My greatest concern is for our 3 children, all under the age of 3. I want them to at least have a memory of their parents being married, but not if the marriage is unhappy, which it is. I hold it all in from the world but feel as though I’m on the verge of a breakdown.
Reading some of theses stories let’s me know I’m not alone
Tomorrow will be two months being married to what I thought was the love of my life. I thought I knew him but I was wrong. His anger is out of control and he often calls me bad things and throws things. I feel like such a failure for not seeing this before being married. I’m currently studying to be a biblical counselor and I feel so shattered – my own marriage is filled with emotional and a bit physical abuse. I’ve started to go to marriage counseling with him but he hates going. Please pray for me – I feel so alone. The ‘honeymoon phase’ never happened to me – even the first week married he broke a door…please pray.
Oh my goodness. I’m so glad you found us here. I hope you’ll take my suggestions in this post seriously. Another thought since you’re studying counseling– I want you to imagine that you are counseling a young friend of mine, and she came to you sharing everything you have shared with me today. What would you tell her she needs to do in this situation? Take good care of yourself and press into the Lord, friend! You are absolutely not alone and we are (and will be) praying for you!! Please let us know how you’re doing. XO Lizzie
I read your post and it perfectly described my early marriage. It took a few separations and finally law enforcement- we have 2 little kids and are still together and this is 10 yrs in. But it took separation and support from my family. He somehow became normal but there is alot of resentment now.
You have no idea how much i needed this. My heart is bleeding with pain.i cried before i even got past the first sentence. I have no one to talk too.The physical and verbal abuse from my husband has become more and more. I have pushed it under the rug for years (5). Holding it in until today when i exploded. I couldn’t take one more. I poured out my heart to my husband about his affairs. All he did was laugh at me….literally. He is quick to throw a bible verse at me about how a wife should treat her husband. I have been beat up about my past. The fact i had two kids before i even knew he existed. He beats me up for it. I go to the bathroom at least once a day just to cry. I have emotionally left the situation. I get called crazy, unstable, and other words that a man should never call his wife. I even lost the strength to pray. I’ve prayed for years and no change. He blames the cheating on me. If i was a better wife he wouldn’t cheat. I have taken on both roles right now because he is not working. I work 1whr shifts 5 nights a week. I came home and can’t rest because i have our 2yr too. I’m stressed behind stressed. The load is heavy. I tried i promised i tried
Thank you so much for this article! I am three months into my “calling it enough” journey. I’ve been married for 20 years. I actually didn’t know I was an abused wife until a couple months ago. I just wanted out! My heart was dead. I grew up in the church hearing “God hates divorce.” “Wives submit to your husbands…” but I got to the point where I didn’t care. I didn’t care what God thought, what my kids (all teenagers) thought, parents, siblings, family thought, I didn’t care. I knew I just wanted to be done. I was tired of the rollercoaster. Tired of being told I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, clean enough, (fill in the blank) enough, enough, enough. Tired of being accused of cheating, being told if I “didn’t like it” to leave.
This new journey is a rollercoaster ride. One day I am fine and then the next I can start crying just because of something I read. I sometimes can’t leave my house for fear that I may cry in public and then people will start to ask questions and I don’t want to have to explain or lie about what is going on. My abuse is purely emotional and verbal. I have said to myself numerous times, I wish he would have just hit me! It would make this so much easier because maybe people will believe me… You see, my husband is a very successful man and known throughout the community. People would be stunned if they ever knew. The abuse usually only ever happened at home.
I don’t know where we will end up, if we will stay together. We are trying counseling but my heart keeps telling me not to trust, not to accept him back. I just don’t believe the “change” is sincere even though people tell me it is. To which I say, it was “sincere” before, so what makes it different now? And then I feel like I am being an unforgiving, uncaring wife… and the rollercoaster continues….
Thankfully, I do know that God has complete control over our situation and He can change hearts. So I leave it up to God and pray for his guidance. Thank you so much for this article! May God continue to bless your work!
Wow! Marlo, reading your post was almost like reading a post I could have written myself! I myself have just come to the realization that I too am being emotionally abused….I deal with degrading remarks and looks of utter disgust often about my size, mind you I’m 6ft and weigh less than 200 lbs but am told how I need to have weight loss surgery and lose 50 or 60lbs. He hounded me for yrs to go to college and I did and recently graduated with my Bachelors Degree but now in his words “you got the wrong degree” I have had so many job offers, that I had to turn down because of him. He has cheated on me and I forgave him and stayed. We are fixing to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary…we raise 3 boys who are all successful and have an adopted 10 yr old daughter with special needs. He has went back to get his degree although I’m very happy he is, I have a lot of resentment and I’m having a very hard time being supportive because I so bad want to say “ you are getting the wrong degree and never going to make any money doing that”! He also is very well known in the town and I feel so alone and don’t say anything because I feel no one will believe me because he has so many people fooled. He tries to help others who are having marriage problems and his is falling apart and he doesn’t even see it. Sorry to ramble…please jus t pray for me and the situation. I have given it all to God for I know He will never leave me nor forsake me.
You can forgive but still not forget.
Dear Lizzie,
My husband beats me up when he flies into a rage. Usually it is a tight slap across the face till my spectacles fly and will be damaged. Numerous items have been broken.
Another favourite stance of his is sweeping everything from the table to the floor or lifting up the table and upturning it so everything crashes to the ground.
It happened 2 days ago where I could not withstand this anymore and flung his belt onto the floor in frustration. Unfortunately, the pin dislodged and the buckle came off.
He discovered this in the morning and while I was sleeping, kicked me till I awoke and said he would hit me with the belt.
Throughout the day, I feared for my life for the first time and prayed that the belt could repaired. Every hour or so, he would send me abusive cusses just because of the belt. I then found the dislodged pin and he managed to get it fixed.
Lizzie, I have stuck to this unfaithful, unbelieving spouse for 20 years.
I no longer trust him as I’ve caught prostitutes, spa girls and lounge hostesses contacting him after time. Even when faced with evidence that he had engaged their services, he would outrightly deny it and claimed he was having dinner with male counterparts and call me names like crazy bitch, etc.
There was a guy who loved me deeply for many years and I geared towards him emotionally but have kept myself pristine physically. After many years, I let him go because I thought if i did so, God would somehow transform my husband from the inside out.
Years have gone by and my husband has only become worse. A decade ago, I called the cops as my entire face was bruised after a hanger hit him accidentally.
He is vengeful, vindictive, cruel, unrepentant and vicious.
He has a large family but everyone has given up on him. He has not seen them for years though we live 20 minutes away from them.
He has no friends. Likewise, people have given up on him as he only approaches his friends when he needs something.
He was neglected as a child and his mother verbally abused him. Still, it is not a justification for his behaviour for he had never suffered physical abuse. His mother would still cook and ensured he went to college.
I am an only child and my mother is my only concern. She is in the twilight years of her life so I have been tolerating this so that she can be happy for me till it is time. Thereafter, whatever happens to me no longer matters. I just want my mother to be happy for the rest of her life. I was deeply loved by my family and didn’t know pain till I knew my husband.
I’m tired of being tired.
Tired of waiting for him to repent, if ever.
I cannot leave the home and I cried for God to forgive me & sinful thoughts as I have began asking God to let him die naturally to end my pain.
Because of that belt, he threw away my baptism bible. I don’t know how he is going to repay for all his sins. God is not to be mocked.
That truly snapped me.
Within me, I have already decided I am single.
I’m successful at work and popular among my peers. Nobody knows my pain at all. In fact they think i have a fabulous marriage. That is how good I am at keeping up with appearances. I’m crying now but in a while, I need to get to work where I will put on a smile and even laugh with joy as compartmentalizing my life has become a way of survival.
I want more than just survival.
I want to live a full life for God’s purpose.
I’m just ranting here. Apologies.
Hey friend— I’m just so speechless and heartbroken for you. I can’t thank you enough for the rawness and vulnerability of what you shared with us. You are a powerful, breathtaking warrior. <3 Listen--- I had a thought that I wanted to share. I'm sure it's more complicated than this-- but it sounds like you are staying in this abusive situation for your mother more than anything else. You love her and you want to protect her from the truth. But what happens when she gets to heaven in a few years and finds out what you kept from her? Don't get me wrong-- she wouldn't be mad at you-- in heaven we have an eternal understanding that prevents anger, hate, or bitterness. I'm just thinking she'll be devastated to know that her baby girl stayed in an abusive home and kept it from her. As a mom, I would be crushed. Give it some thought. Press into that truth in prayer and let the Lord lead you. I think you should get help and get out now. I think your mom can handle the truth and would be honored to help you build a new life and see you thrive. It will be better for her than finding out when she's helpless to make it easier for you. I just think you are a beautiful, loveable woman and God has so much more for you than this-- and I hope and pray you take care of yourself. <3 Blessings, friend.
Lizzie,
Every point you made is completely accurate, as i can attest to being an abuse survivor. God did lead me out and restore me as he promised. The only issue with this was the professional help. It was insanely lacking, inadequate and unqualified from social workers to psychologists, but to our sisters out there, if your intuition tells you what you are receiving is not help or helpful, seek alternate sources. Don’t retreat. Not all help can help you, but stay the course and God will give you a voice and a direction.
Hi Lizzie?
It was no one but the Holy Spirit that allowed me to come across your anointed blog. It blessed me from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I needed to read this so very badly. I’ve been going through so much since we’ve been married (7 years now) and I’ve suffered emotionally and verbally ever since. I know I shouldn’t have tolerated any of it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was not raised in that type of environment. I blamed myself for taking so much abuse but no more. The prayer was what I needed, every word spoke on my behalf. I believe when we pray we must believe that God hears us and he’ll give us what we need and this was that for me. I will take your advice and get professional help for myself.
Serrita– I’m so honored to meet you and grateful we found each other. God is so good about connecting us to the people and resources we need for each season! I’m so relieved to hear you’re pursuing professional help. It’s true that God hates divorce, but He DOES NOT advocate staying in abusive situations. I’ll be praying for all of you! Especially for your safety and finding Godly counsel AND that your spouse would have a life changing encounter with the Living God. <3
BLESSINGS!
-Lizzie
I cannot figure out if what I am experiencing is verbal and emotional abuse. I think at one point I definitely thought it was, but at this point I don’t know if it is and I feel like his anger is mostly all my fault.
What about when the abusive husbands says that you deserve to be hit because you provoked him to anger? Is that biblically sound?? Is it all my fault because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and had to say a snotty remark?
Christine— It is NOT biblically sound to blame anger or violence on someone who provoked you. Each person is responsible for themselves. The bible says “Be angry and sin not.” -Eph 4:26 It also says that “the fruit of the spirit is joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” -Gal 5:22-23 While you do have a responsibility to control your tongue, your husband is responsible for how he responds when you don’t. If you are being hit for any reason, I strongly urge you to get some professional help setting the necessary boundaries. That is NOT ok and I want you to be safe. It’s NOT God’s will for you to stay in an abusive situation.
I am beyond fed up. I’m pregnant with multiples and this has been such a hard pregnancy because of the natural implications of having twins but moreover dealing with verbal and emotional abuse. I’ve tried to keep my distance, avoid saying or doing anything that will set him off and simply walk on eggshells daily. It never seems to work and at any point the fiery dragon is released. I’ve prayed, cried and pleaded with God, but the abuse continues in my 8th month. We already have one child who he constantly tries to turn against me. He repeatedly states he can find someone better, be done with me, I can raise them on my own and even told me to go to hell. I’ve had it with his threats, and I’ve lost all respect for him. I do not want to raise children in such a hate filled household. I’m battling a demon everyday and it’s exhausting. I can’t do it yet have to find the resources to get away. God help me!
Nia— Your pain just pours through your words. I’m so sorry that you have lived through this and I know God never intended for you to suffer in this way. This is not a healthy situation for you or your children to live in. I would recommend a separation as soon as you can make it happen and get some professional help involved. Prayers for you dear sister.
I can’t even write or put down in words the anguish I’m going through. Thank you though
I’ve been in a verbally abusive marriage for over 20 years and recently he became physically abusive. This is after we’ve been through marriage counseling for about 6 months. I thought his anger issues were getting better but I guess I was wrong. He’s also had addictions for years that I knew nothing about and sometimes I feel like I dont know him anymore. I’m losing myself trying to figure him out and I’m to the point where I dont know what else I can do. Ive gotten us help, I’ve forgiven him for everything and yet he still verbally attacks me from time to time. I’m about to give up because I see that nothing is changing and I dont want to spend the rest of my life this way, being unhappy and in an abusive relationship. The last thing I ever wanted was to break up my family by divorcing but I’m seeing that I may have to because I have no other choice. I want him to love and respect me and I’m starting to realize that it may never happen. I’ve given him an ultimatum to either get help on his own for his anger or I will file for divorce. I have 2 son, teenagers, and i’ve been trying to make it work for them but I’m realizing that maybe that was a mistake. They must be tired of hearing some of the fights we have.Not sure what else I can do anymore and I’m getting tired of always feeling depressed and anxious. I feel like its a hopeless situation. I’m not the most religious person but I’m gonna pray for my husband and for my marriage and my family and hope for the best. But I’m also gonna prepare for the worst as I’m afraid nothing will change.
Mandy- I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. It definitely sounds like you are in an abusive situation and you deserve to be safe and cherished. Absolutely continue to involve professionals to help you navigate this and set the necessary boundaries. HUGS Sis!
I’ve been married to a addict for almost 13 yrs together almost 14. He will do anything being nice when he’s high. The next day he’s a mad demon. He uses me steals talks to me terribly especially if I dont provide after he uses all his money up. Takes food from me the next day cause he spent it all on drugs. Provides no food toiletries bills or anything else. He leaves it to me to fig out. We have no kids together. I have one thats grown. He humiliates me by buying drugs from neighbors doesnt try to keep me away from it. We are only intimate maybe one every 4-6 months. Hes addicted to porn. Looks at other females in my face. He suggests me sleep with other men or for us to be swingers. He has no problem if Im talking to other guys, he actually likes that. He has some crazy sexual request but we barely have relations.I know hes cheated. Ive fast and prayed for years. Every time I try to leave it gets blocked. I feel trapped. I cant get a job that gets blocked also. I believe im called for ministry but living with him is distracting me. I want out of this so bad I think im losing my mind daily. Just would like to find someone to talk to. I have no support.
Hey Sis— I’m heartbroken that you are walking through this and so sorry it’s taken so long to see your comment. This is definitely an abusive relationship, sweetheart and I’d strongly recommend you get a professional counselor involved to help you navigate this. You deserve to be treasured and it’s time for some boundaries to protect yourself, my love!
I don’t normally (ever) comment/ respond to articles but I thought this might help someone and I wanted to thank the writer because your prayer blessed me.
I have removed myself from my husband and I’m currently following through at about 50 days in of a Redemptive Separation with intent to heal and reconcile from mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. So far the hardest part is his unwillingness to acknowledge abuse. We have been married a year and 4 months and it started pretty much as soon as we got home from the honeymoon. We dated long distance.
I have struggled with anger (from about 6 months in) and have repented and apologized for the anger and admittedly, counter abuse near the 6 month mark when I felt the overwhelming amount of tears stopped and the anger became rage over feeling like I had no choice but to remain in the abusive and toxic relationship. I found it very difficult to get alone with God while living in the abusive environment and hear from
Him because of what felt like emotional trauma, brain fog, and chaos.
One day I left because I felt so desperate to be alone with God, hear from Him, and cry out to him and spent a few days alone and I felt like God gave me Hebrews 6:18
In that moment I knew I was safe under His wings and needed to somehow begin to not abandon but distance and put boundaries around my relationship with my husband, whom I do love, in order to deliver him over to himself and to God to deal with. I had been trying for a year to get him to see the pain and damage he was causing, and it didn’t work. I knew I had to completely take my hands off of the wheel and hand him over.
Because of the year and 4 months of complete insanity, chaos, and trauma I am now experience health issues inside my body and with my thyroid that I know God can heal. Stress and mental abuse takes a tremendous toll on your physical body.
So far, there is not much If any repentance in my husband. But at this point I refuse to give up on what I know God can reconcile If He so chooses.
I don’t normally respond to posts and comment, but I felt this article was so tender, supportive, encouraging in a biblical sense of not giving up, and the prayer really touched me. I pray and believe this is helping other women.
There really is something to be said about taking these steps appropriately, with the right mind set, and for the purpose of your own healing as well.
I’ve been all over the country with my husband this last year at counseling intensives. The best ones. Focus On a The Family ( hope restored), Faithful & True, and continual counseling. What I gained in each of them gradually was the strength to fight for my Faith and relationship with Jesus, and the ability to no longer enable my husband and hand Him over to Jesus so that I’m able to walk with the Lord with a sound mind.
What I’ve experienced as I bravely took the steps to separate is complete and utter peace that only comes from the Lord, while still holding delicately the pain and sorrow of a broken marriage but not being overcome by it. This keeps my heart pliable as I ask God to help me with the hard task of true forgiveness. This is something I desire but need the Holy Spirit for and recognize it’s complexity to be genuine and sustaining.
It’s also given me the ability to begin to try and fight for my marriage in the right way against the true enemy rather than my husband. It’s a process for that focus to shift from the painful acts of my husband but through Gods help and the Holy Spirit I know I can. The Word says the enemy is not flesh and blood and I ask Him for understanding.
A weight is still lifted, and a freedom to worship my Heavenly Father has been restored with the removal of constant abuse and chaos.
At the end of the day, I am trying to choose to believe 2 things. Regardless of my husbands actions
1). God is a restorer. He can do far more than we could imagine.
2). The man my husband has displayed to me is not who He really is. He is a child of God with strongholds that need to be torn down. That’s the job of the Lord who still sits on the throne and has control. He will work things out for our good and His glory.
I hope I can encourage someone by also saying this: if you truly believe your in an abuse situation and experience brain fog, mass chaos, constant emotional turmoil and trauma, unexplainable confusion, manipulation and deceit, Satan has a foothold in your home or in your husbands heart or mind. Begin to pray immediately with whatever strength you have left and leave it at the feet of Jesus.
Then, If you love Jesus with all of your heart, All of your souls, and All of your Mind, get help ASAP to support you through the steps of removing yourself. God won’t make you do it alone, I believe He will send you an angel to help you through it. He did for me. That’s a whole other story, but He brought me a homeless girl who was desperate and thirsty for Gods truth. It kept me going and my eyes laser focused on Jesus and His goodness and doing what He’s called me to do in the midst of my own storm. People that need to hear the Gospel will be watching how you handle your storm. Praise Him. He will do the same for you if you dwell with him. He will give you purpose if you look for it and listen. Psalm 91 says he will protect you and deliver you. It’s a promise. The only pre-requisite is you seeking refuge and dwelling with Him.
I came to this page trying to find answers as to how to move forward now. After 14 years of marriage i left because of sexual abuse ( he found it sexually stimulating to hurt me, idid try over the years to resolve the problem but he didnt see any problem with what was happening), ididnt want to be vengful so i asked him to leave, as our kids wanted to remain with me (they were all over the age of 10) with the assistance of my father, who i had forgiven of his sexual indiscreation from my childhood, next i get told of threats by one of his family members, and police ship us out to another area in hiding. After the divorce and 5 years he found us, and us girls returned to my fathers. But now 5 more years on, even the youngest at 22 has started her own house hold and i am totally lost as to what my purpose is now, dads still around but as he and my ex both disagreed, and still do, with my choice over 40 years ago to make jesus my role model, i am now alone, and have no idea what i can and cant do about it, i have spoken to pastors and since he wasnt unfaithful, i cant consider remarriage at this time and i refuse to wish harm apon him, my dispair and aloneness is overtaking my heart, how/where can i find answers, i have searched my bible and i havent found any there. suggestions please.
My promise from God that I’m hanging on to during this season: Jeremiah 15:19-21. Therefore this is what the Lord says: “If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve me; if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be my spokesman. Let this people turn to you, but you must not turn to them. I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you,” declares the Lord. “I will save you from the hands of the wicked and redeem you from the grasp of the cruel.”
My husband abuse me verbally and calls me unprintable names.
Sometimes i just wish we can go our separate ways
The children gets scared when he begins to shout and calls me names
It’s been 9years and I wish I didn’t marry him.
Going through this post, I sincerely hope and pray for deliverance.