This post may contain affiliate links. See affiliate disclaimer here.
He had just let me down again. My heart splintered and my emotions raged. I glared at him across the table and all I could feel was hate. This really isn’t what I envisioned married life would be like at all. I’d given up on ‘happily ever after’ a long time ago. At this point I’d be thrilled if we could just stop making each other miserable. Where was God in this marriage?
I felt myself plunging into a downward spiral of everything that seemed impossible to fix. All the what ifs and I deserves and he shoulds overwhelmed me. I gave into to the anger, disgust, and pain. And this pattern became the refrain of our lives for many years before we were set free.
It’s the inevitable result when two people choose to stand against one another, neither one willing to humble themselves and sacrificially love their partner ‘til death do us part.
This post isn’t for the woman who is in an unfaithful or abusive marriage– although I’ve seen God work unbelievable miracles in those situations. If that’s you, I have a very different message for you and I can’t urge you enough to get professional help to guide you through. No– this is written for the countless relationships where the intimacy has grown cold and you know God is calling you to take a stand for your marriage.
I remember the first time my marriage paradigm shifted when I was introduced to the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. The cover tagline read, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
I’ll admit, at first I cringed at the thought. I felt defensive. But the Holy Spirit massaged my heart until I could see it was a loving truth that brings freedom as opposed to a punishment from a harsh God. I eventually learned that a CHRIST-ian who pursues God with everything you’ve got has no room for hate. Least of all for your husband, your covenant partner.
I love you enough to tell you the truth right now: It’s your bitterness and hate that will destroy your marriage and then you.
Not what your spouse has done or is doing right now. We don’t like to hear it, but we are in complete control of our attitude and response.
But there’s good news, too. It only takes ONE person to begin to turn everything around. A dramatic change can start with you.
One of my mentors is a powerhouse Christian Psychologist named Dominic Herbst. He says:
“The best way to change another person is to begin by changing yourself.”
Here’s what I want you to know:
You can sincerely and passionately love your husband again. I promise. Everything can change. It worked for me and it will work for you if you keep your heart-attitude right before God.
Here are 5 (practical) things you can do to fall back in love with your husband:
1. Activate your prayer life
Pray for God to soften your heart and give you His agape love for your husband.
Ask Him to reveal to you areas where you have believed lies and to heal your heart and mind.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Lord, I come before you today and I’m asking you to help my marriage. Your Word says what you bring together, let no man separate– and I need your help to sacrificially love and respect my husband.
I choose, as an act of my will, to loose all bitterness, hate, judgement, hurt, anger, and selfishness from my soul, in Jesus’ name. I repent for my bitterness and hate—please forgive me. I ask that you cleanse me from everything that offends you and my husband.
Lord, fill me with your light, your agape love, your presence, your righteousness, your patience. I bind them to me, in Jesus’ name according to Matthew 16:18-19. Let me see my husband through your eyes. Give me the strength to respond out of your never-ending love instead of out of my own flesh and emotions.
I thank you Lord that with you, nothing is impossible. Thank you for working through me. Thank you for changing and healing me. I lift my husband up to you. I ask that you bless him, Lord. Meet him at his place of greatest need. Minister to him in ways only you can.
I ask that you give me divine insight into my husband and my marriage, Lord. Show me what only you can know– and work through me to build a covenant marriage according to your perfect will.
All of these things I pray in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.
2. Focus on the positive things
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. –Philippians 4:8
This is so practical that even the secular world recommends it. But the scriptures prove it’s a biblical truth! Choose to focus on your husband’s best qualities. Make lists of all the good stuff and actively think about them. Better yet— kick it up a notch and tell him when he does them.
Journal about the best times, your happiest memories, and all the reasons you fell in love with him to begin with. This will help rewire your thoughts from all the things that are wrong and negative to all the things that are good. This is proven to work by neuro-scientists like Dr. Caroline Leaf! Check out Switch On Your Brain to learn more. Excellent book!
In the beginning this might be really hard for you. I pray it isn’t, but I want you to be prepared so you don’t give up early. I learned that when I did it out of obedience instead of feeling like it, God gave me the grace to believe them again. He made it easier and easier as I surrendered to this mindset.
3. Discipline your thought life
We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. -2 Corinthians 10:5b
Have you ever been mildly annoyed by something your husband did and you thought about it, and thought about it, until you became overwhelmed with all the things wrong with him? I’ve made this mistake so many times and ended up furious. The truth is—this is EXACTLY what the devil wants you to do.
Don’t let one nagging thought take you down a rabbit hole. Change the subject in your head as soon as the negative thought comes in. No one can force you to think about anything.
If you really struggle with this— I highly recommend Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. (If you don’t like to read, get the audio book or sermon series.) It will absolutely help you get your thought life under control.
4. Shift your mindset to think eternal
I remember when my husband and I were going through a really challenging season and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. It was during that time that I met a woman who had been a stay-at-home mom to her two very young children. Her husband had recently left them out of the blue for another woman and filed for divorce. All of a sudden, my life didn’t seem so bad. I felt guilty for playing the victim when many people were facing much worse than I was.
The Word of God says: Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2
When we think about the big picture— all of the people who would give anything for our life because theirs is desperately worse—it makes our current negative circumstances become increasingly dim. We have to remember the reality of heaven and what God has waiting for the faithful instead of feeling sorry for ourselves here.
Refocus on an eternal perspective instead of a temporal one. Remember the cross and why you choose the high road in this life. When you focus on the Kingdom of God and remember that this life is only a vapor, it can become much easier to withstand hardship.
I wrote a whole post about “thinking eternal” if it’s something you’d like to meditate on for a few more minutes.
5. Seek soul healing
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. –Psalm 23:3
So many of us begin our marriage at a disadvantage because of all the past wounds and baggage we bring into it. When you consider, then, all of the hurts and disappointments we inflict on each other– it almost becomes an impossible battle. But nothing is impossible with God.
If you’re experiencing a lot of turmoil in your marriage or other relationships today, there are probably a number of wounds in your soul that need to be addressed and healed. Once they are, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to understand the Bible, hear God’s voice, AND love your husband and others when they’re unlovable.
See– when we’re weighted down with past baggage, we can’t see clearly in the here and now. It’s sort of like trying to tread water with an anchor tied to each foot. You might be giving it your all, but until the hindrance of the anchor is removed, you’ll only get so far and ultimately become exhausted.
My mentor, Dominic, runs an extremely anointed ministry that helps with this. It’s called Restoring Relationships and they have a web-based curriculum called the Online Journey that is available to you. It’s what I used to get better a few years back, AND I was so transformed that my husband went through it too. It was a huge key to our healing and reconciliation. You can read more of our story here and check out the Online Journey here: https://restoringrelationships.org/online-journey-with-peaceful-home/
I have to tell you again… There is so much hope. What you’re going through right now is no surprise to God. He’s the redeemer, the reconciler, the healer—and He can make a way where there is no way. God can help you to sincerely and passionately love your husband again. You are NOT the only one who feels completely alone in this. Hundreds of thousands of Christian wives can relate, including me. Just look at the divorce relate in the church—it’s almost the exact same as the world. But that doesn’t have to be us. I believe in you, your marriage, and God’s plans for your family. I pray that God’s presence would fall on you right now and revive you. I pray that you would fight the good fight. Use the tools in this post and DEFINITELY share any others that have helped you in the comments. We need to stick together.
For more on Christian marriage, you might also enjoy my post: 10 Faith-Based Books and Resources that Strengthened My Marriage
MORE POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Bless you and thank you.
Hi, Lizzie,
My name is Aleksandra. Today is my 29th birthday. And I can’t remember feeling so miserable on this special day before. I just opened google to type in “I despise my husband as a christian” and read your article. I don’t even know why I am writing to you. I just want to share that I don’t want this man in my life, I hate him and his personality. I am aware that as a christian I am not supposed to talk so negatively about my spouse or even to feel like it at, but here I am. I don’t want my marriage to work, I want to destroy it and because of that I don’t find my anger as an enemy, but as a helper to achieve my goal. I feel so dependable. I am a stay at home mom of two young children. I have no place to go or money on my own. But staying at home is living hell. I am in a deep depression and this person make the things even worse. What am I suppose to do? I don’t want to follow the recommended five steps, I just want him to go away. For the past whole year he is with me constantly, almost every minute day and night. I don’t want to change myself so that he can take advantage of it. I don’t want things to work out for our best or to ever fall back in love with him again. Have you ever been in this place?
Hi Aleksandra– I’m so sorry to hear about the deep pain and sadness you’re living in. While I haven’t lived your exact story– I can understand this kind of pain.
I don’t want to read between the lines– but sometimes when women speak the way you do here, they’re actually in an abusive relationship. And if that’s the case– I would recommend a very different course of action. Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. If you are in an abusive relationship, check this out instead: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
If you’re not in an abusive relationship– then I would encourage you to work on yourself so you can find a way forward. Not for your husband, not for your marriage, but for yourself and your sweet children. My deepest concern for you, my sister, is your bitterness. Whether you stay married or not— I pray that you will break free from it above all. It’s a very hard life to live bitter. And I don’t want that for you— there’s more here for you than that.
Warmly,
Lizzie
I was up this morning praying and preparing lunches and washing clothes. When My lord began to speak to my heart and I had to get real and honest about somethings that where in my heart. I finally admitted to myself and my lord that I hated my husband. We have gone through so much in 4 years in this marriage. I have been let down so many times I have lost count, I finally got to a place where I no longer want or desire this marriage I want to be just me and my lord, but I know deep down that is not the lords will he wants the marriage restored. I read the article and I knew it was for me and two other ladies I know who are going through the exact samething as me.
My husband is now very loving but because of all the damage I have no trust at all and no longer even desire sometimes to talk to him or even hear his voice. I thank you for writing this and being so open and honest. I have already begun to pray and write in my journal. I pray that many women will read this and be open and honest. Thank you again
I hate my husband. I hate his character. I hate his lies and deceptions. I’ve lived with him for over 30 years. I’ve begged him to be involved in my life and the life of my kids but he just looks at his phone or computer and responds to questions with an “uh huh “ or a “ yes”. He has cheated on me. He has told me he hates me. He has said that “by the grace of God I would die” and other things. I know I shouldn’t hate him. God wants me to choose to forgive all his neglect and demeaning behaviors but I hate him. Although I know I should do as the article says I’ve been so humiliated in my marriage that I don’t want to. I pray I change. God have mercy on me and him. I’m a disaster.
Danny– I obviously don’t know the whole story, but it sounds like your marriage might fall more in the abusive category. 🙁 Just in case, I’m going to leave this right here– it’s a post a wrote for the woman who has been verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused. It’s a very different message than the one above. Prayers for you, my friend!
my situation also falls into the abusive category and I only got married cause I felt forced by my church and Pastor at that time. I never wanted to marry my spouse. In fact, after my 1st failed abusive marriage I never wanted to marry again. I’m in love with someone else but I still don’t want to get married even if I were single. I hate my spouse, I prayed for him to die on several occasions so I can be a widow. I know what God’s word says but I’m struggling with the marriage part cause I just don’t wanna be tied down never did.
Thank you Lizzie! Like many others here, I don’t don’t actually hate my husband but often wish I could get a divorce. He has so many characteristics that are very hard to bear. Additionally we’re taking care of my 89 year old mother who is in dialysis and needs constant care and who is demanding… taking up our own retirement years with her endless wants and is ungrateful and very selfish … and my recovering addict son that lives with us and who also is difficult. On top of that my husband has seemingly endless medical issues. We’re a blended family and our other grown kids try to cause further wedges between us, especially his 36 year old daughter. In the middle of all of this our marriage has gotten even worse. I don’t know how to fix our marriage when it seems everyone around us is intent on destroying it, but I know what you say is right and will try all these things. There is no joy in life anymore catering to the endless problems of those around me, I know this isn’t the way God meant me to live. Thank you Lizzie and God bless you
You sound so similar to how I am.
I’ve been talked down to and lied to so much over the years that I’m disgusted. Even when he goes through periods of being nice it’s like I put up a wall just in case he snaps again. In turn, he says I push him away, I’m not trying like he is because I act like I can’t stand to be around him. I’ve prayed so hard that Hod will help me “feel” something other than distrust! I can’t!
So it is a cycle of him really trying to vendicate himself and after a little time goes by he gets mad and says I’m not even trying. He wants romance to be like it was before all the verbal abuse but I don’t know how to get it back!
I’ve forgiven him( or I would have been long gone by now) but it’s the forgetting that I’m struggling with, Ive been called some terrible names by the one person that is supposed to be my protector . I don’t even trust him when he’s being nice because it only lasts for a little while and as soon as he gets mad it’s all blamed on me because “ he’s “ been trying but I’m still distant!
I am distant, that’s true! I’m expecting him to blow a fuse over the most minute things and sure enough, he does! As a matter of fact, he did it tonight, after a few weeks of sweetness! It was over a refrigerator that needs cleaning out. He started pointing fingers with attitude that it needed cleaning and I never clean it, I protested that I’m the only one who does and it snowballed from there. And now, the same person I distrust is back and throwing stones at me again
I don’t know how to avoid it! Even if I keep quiet he follows me around yelling and accusing me of making his life miserable. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told he wishes he wouldn’t have married me and he wants someone else. There’s so much I want to say to
Lash back but God tells me not to
I’m lost. I’m discouraged and I need God to show me how to handle a person like this!
I cannot see me living this way the rest of my life
So I pray, and I pray! Right now he is asleep but I know full well
That as soon as he wakes up tomorrow I will here all the reasons I’m a sorry wife and I’ll have to go
To
Work with a smile on my face like nothing is going on
It’s so sad and exhausting
Hello Stephanie….I feel where you’re coming from,as I am going through it myself..,,I feel like I hate my husband and sometimes think about leaving him. I’ve been hurt so many times is hard for me to trust him again. I am wanting to have a deeper relationship with God and ask him to restore my heart…please pray for me?
I hate my husband. Everything he does. Every time he touches me. We have been married for 33 years. We are raising a 10 year old that had no home. But the character of my husband is everything that I hate. The opposite of what I love. I have had opportunities to commit adultery but have not. This is a living hell. For him. For me. Only God can fix it. We are both Christians. I have tried to become emotionless so it won’t hurt so much but that’s hard for me to do. Thank you for your article. I cried the whole time I read it.
I know how you feel. I have been married for 26 years. The first 14 were hard, the next 10 were good (or so I thought), but the last two have been nearly unbearable since I found out about his affair. He has chronic pain and has had 3 surgeries in 19 months. He was addicted to pain pills in the past, now he can’t survive without them. Even though he takes them only as prescribed, he is not the same since he went back on them. I know he is suffering, but so am I. The thought of living like this for the rest of my life is terrifying. He doesn’t want me to work because we have a teenage son who can’t be trusted, but I don’t think he can work much longer. I need a job to take my mind off of the rest of my life. I am so much happier when I’m out of the house.
I’m in the same boat. We have 3 children married 4 years. We haven’t got along in 2 years. He tells me to leave and that he wants a divorce and is saving for one. I stay home with the kids. He is not nice. I cry and he tells me I hurt myself that it’s self inflicted he doesn’t care he tells me to shut up calls me stupid and dumb. Tells me leave go back to my family that is 12 hours away. He tells me he can do better then me compared me to other women and exes. Tells me all the time I’m the problem he’s done trying he doesn’t want me and wish I would go cheat or find someone else. He has friends that I don’t think are of his best interest. They are not good people. He is very mean and if I try to talk to him he ignores me. I don’t know what more to do. I don’t think I can go through this much longer it’s so hurtful and I feel broken and like I’m nothing. He has beat me mentally in the ground and now just thinks I’m disposable and wants to throw me away. I haven’t left but sometimes think I should give him what he wants and leave. I get no respect I have no one. I am depressed this marriage is taking me to a place I don’t want to be. I am hurt and numb I cry everyday. I constantly get told I’m nothing I’m trash. I’m not good enough for him and never will be. He told me to get out by the end of the summer
Daniella-
My sweet Sister, this sounds abusive to me. Please get some professional support to navigate your way forward. I’m praying for you! I’d suggest you focus more on this post I wrote instead for abuse situations: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
I needed this today. I hate my husband and I know he hates me. I’ve been seeking God’s strength in my marriage. Asking him what is wrong and how can I fix it? We’ve been married for 19 years and have three children. I don’t want to feel this way and know that life can be so much better for us both. This post has answered so much of what I was seeking. Thank you for your honesty. I know as women we don’t talk about these things and allow ourselves to suffer so much pain. I pray that something somewhere moves him the way that this post has moved me.
I am absolutely st a loss of what to do in my marriage. I know that I am the one with the biggest issues. But I have gotten to the point where I dont care enough to fix them. I have so much resentment towards my husband. It started with him constantly hanging the Bible over my head on how I am suppose to act, dress, my role as a wife, etc..I know these things, but I flat out refuse to do them. I was forced into homeschooling my children, which I hate. I do it because my optiond are private school or homeschool per my husband. We obviuosly cant afford private school, so homeschool it is. So I have very little time to myself.My husband isnt an unkind person, he is very loving, but these sort of things have made me resentful. I dont wear dresses all the time, I cut my hair the way I like, and I go and workout in the evening times. He was actually really supportive when I went to my dance class 5 nights a week, but now he is not. He told me he is depressed because of it. Which this is pretty much how it goes. I find something to get me out of the house for a change, he supports it, then he doesnt. Its been 10 years of this, and I would never leave him, nor him with me. But I am miserable. Every year our Anniversary comes around, he wants to go on a romantic trip or dinner. I say no because I loathe those kind of things. Im not romantic, and he is. Its like he acts like a woman, needy and craving affection. I dont crave attention at all. As far as physical contact…..I dont want it. I dont yearn from it at all. Its almost like I have no emotions at all. I am very content and like my routine. I get angry when my routine is messed up, but when its not, I am focused, content, and at peace. I feel like I should be blessed to have a husband that wants to touch me, hold my hand, romantic, etc..but I am the complete opposite. I really think it just boils down to resentment towards him. So Im really not sure what to do. I dont want a divorce, but I also dont have a desire to want to fix it either.
J- Your vulnerability here is beautiful and inspiring. I have been crying tears of compassion for you and I so know that place of pain and also of apathy. I see you. God sees you. CRY OUT TO HIM. Ask Him to bring you everything you need. Ask for forgiveness and mercy. Ask God to soften your heart towards your husband, and meanwhile– Choose to do what you do not feel. Did you check out that ministry I referenced in the post? You may find some amazing help through Restoring Relationships as I did! BLESSINGS over you sweet Sister! I’m praying for you!
Oh man..its craxy how similar we are..everything (just about) you said was spot on for my life right now in my marriage.
You sound so much like me. While my husband doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, like working out, nor does he force me to homeschool, he has his ways and they are the only ways. He doesn’t see it that way. He’s the romantic and I am not and have no desire to be. I just want peace and quiet. He is loud and in your face and has to be the center of attention. I could go on and on about our differences but suffice it to say our differences have caused trouble and resentment and I am at a loss.
I don’t understand marriage at all. Life is tough enough and has enough pain without one more disappointing horrible thing like marriage to experience. I’d rather be single. Marriage is only for children, and the only reason to stay together. Even then, I’d rather do it on my own.
I’m so sorry ladies because I am a guy, but I was looking online for God to talk to me somehow about my failing marriage, and I stumbled upon this article. I just gotta let some things off my chest if you ladies don’t mind? I got saved when I was a teenager, and my girlfriend who was a little older convinced me to have intercourse. Even though I knew it was wrong I continued to have intercourse, and I just thought, “well I’m going to marry this girl, so I think it’s ok, cause It’s like we’re married.” I kept compromising with God’s word until I backslid. I ended up marrying this girl, and we have four beautiful kids together. Now fourteen years later I’m still married to this same girl, but I always felt like she has been drowning me with my relationship with God. I recommitted my life to God recently, but I think I want a divorce! I know it’s wrong, but I want someone who wants to live for God and uphold Gods word in our everyday life! She says she believes in God, but she thinks you just gotta be a good person. I don’t know if she is my rib, and if she is I need her help, but all I get is deceiving lies. I think she fooled around on me some years ago, but I have no evidence just gut feelings. Shes even taught my daughter how to hide a phone and instagram/fb/snapchat from me. I am not perfect in anyway, thats why I need a wife to help me grow! I want to grow in God, and have no part of sin anywhere in my life, but it’s hard! So my question is, should I get a divorce? Am I wrong for feeling hate towards her? Please pray for me that I make God happy in the decision I make.
Joe,
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. It’s clear you’re hurting and struggling— and I’m so sorry to hear it. If your heart’s desire is TRULY to walk with and honor the Lord, then I would encourage you to make your decisions based on the leading of His Word, the bible. Without faith in Him and His Word, it is impossible to please God according to Hebrews 11:6. Here are a few bible verses that I would encourage you to look up and meditate on for your particular situation. Let His Word guide you, work on YOU, search until you find peace in JESUS, and be blessed, brother! For you: James 4:8, Jeremiah 29:13, Matthew 7:7 With regards to your wife: 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Ephesians 5:25-29, Matthew 5:31-32, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18
Im a guy too ,
I read the article and replaced him with her. I have told her that I hate her. dont really mean it , but at the spur of the heated unwanted argument which I refused to really understand after giving it a good solid chance at rationality , and the uncountable fights from the beggining of our marriage closing 15 years. She has expressed utter disgust and hatred for me as I reap what I sowed. Not all the 15 years were bad. Got married quick in our early 20s… had kids right away , no time for eachother , homeschool mom , me a working tradesman , I cant really function when I m fighting with her. The peace only lasts for days , I close myself off , being mean and cold , I body shamed her at the beginning of our marriage , although she looks amazing after 4 kids… I really am sorry to hurt this precious daughter of Zion. My background is abusive with a divorced mom n dad , got saved and went on some street preaching rampage for a couple of years before I met this precious doll which I broke into pieces and cant put her back together. I want things to work. I recently have just been trying to validate her anger and rage towards me and how I have treated her for many years. I reap what I sow , this I know… How can a man who proclaims the name of Jesus show hate to his wife and be abusive , I have sought professional help , the results are better , I dont flip out at the drop of a hat anymore. I wish I knew how to love her ( my dad is a creep ), shes worth it… shes says I know how to love a stranger more than her… I was homeless before I met her… Oh God please help me , and show her Im not such a crazy monster….. thanks for reading. and please just pray for me , your article is good.
Dean– There’s still so much HOPE for you guys. You can’t put her heart back together, but Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our Healer can. I can’t stress enough how much the Restoring Relationships ministry (https://restoringrelationships.org/online-journey-with-peaceful-home/) could REALLY help you both. Definitely consider it. Keep pressing in. Love your wife sacrificially.
All of you wonderful men who have been reading and commenting, you might glean something more from my post “What your wife isn’t telling you: The secrets of a woman’s heart that every husband needs to know.” That post was written just for you guys. I hope it may help: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/love-your-wife-well/
why is it always the woman that has to seek forgiveness? why do I have to spend an unhappy life with an unhappy man and then ask God to change me?
RB— I’m so sorry you’re hurting. 🙁 It’s not just or always the woman that has to seek forgiveness– every human being must seek forgiveness in order to be right with God. (“But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” -Matt 6:15)
I’m simply appealing to the heart of the hurting woman because I know how she feels and I know how she may become free. The only thing we can control in life is our response to it– therefore we certainly can’t control our husbands and force them to change, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are ultimately not made unhappy by our circumstances, rather by the condition of our hearts. Rather than remaining helpless victims in an unhappy marriage we can become powerful people who find happiness in God by allowing Him to change our hearts and then our marriage, too. The Word says in 1 Corinthians 7 that we can actually change our husbands by being full of God.
My heart cry to the unhappily married Christian is that I see her pain and if she wants to come through it rather than stay in it– the answer is asking God to change her. I have unending compassion and empathy for the woman in these shoes. I don’t claim that it’s easy, fast, or pain free, but I do promise that it’s worth it. I’m sending up so many prayers and blessings for you!! XXXOOO
This comment resonated with me immensely! “We are ultimately not made unhappy by our circumstances, rather by the condition of our hearts. Rather than remaining helpless victims in an unhappy marriage we can become powerful people who find happiness in God by allowing Him to change our hearts and then our marriage, too.” I come from a childhood full of trauma, from abandonment from my father to sexual abuse by my mother’s boyfriend, so I came with my own baggage. My husband is not a violent man by all accounts, but is neglectful in many ways. He’s a hard worker and a good provider, but he refuses to budget and thereby be a good steward of what we have been blessed with. He stonewalls me with every concern that I have regarding our marriage. I am so lonely because we pretty much just coexist and raise our children together. We talk, but it’s about them or his work. He’s not concerned with any aspect of me from my health to career aspirations. He refuses to make a way for me to go to college (I only have a high school diploma). He barely does anything other than play video games with our 2 boys. I am so miserable with this man. I rushed into marriage with him after only knowing him 7 months so I feel like I’m definitely to blame with the life I have chosen. I try to be grateful for the life that he works hard for us to have, but so much is missing inside our four walls. He refuses to pray with me, doesn’t care if we go to church or not, won’t budget with me, won’t get healthy with me, etc. I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and dealing with this emotionally neglectful marriage just exasperates my anxiety and depression. I feel trapped. Aside from having our boys, I regret the day that I ever even met him.
Dana,
I am living in the exact same situation. My husband of 12 years is a great provider but in his mind that’s love enough, except for when he wants sex which I have no desire for because I have no emotional connection. He came to Jesus with me 4 years ago and for the first time I saw huge change. We became friends and could laugh and share our hearts for the first time in years. But last year he received some news and now he has turned from God completely, hurt and angry at God. The Lord has shown me to love him in his mess and not to leave him. Recently I learned he has looked at women online and it just shocked me because he used to be so convicted against those things. My heart hurts. I feel angry that God has asked me to press in for him. Even though I know it’s right, I am so weary knowing he is living in sin with no end in sight and I am pregnant with our 4th child. He has declared he is simply unwilling to change and will not lay down to anything including me or God. It is so frustrating and feels unfair to be asked to love him unconditionally at times. I will never leave though. I know that God doesn’t want me too and my kids would be crushed.
What if the person is developmentally challenged but does not know they are developmentally challenged?
They constantly wreck havoc in our lives but do not see that it is their diminished or limited capacity in judgement, and practical sense.
They have a job and this validates to them they are fine, but no one would live like they do if they knew better, and they do not see it.
THey do not mean any ill will, it’s something in their thinking, in their head and they do not see it.
Thank you for your post. It really was a blessing. I hope you can give some insight to my specific challenge.
Vale, Thank you so much for your comment! I would say the same principles apply EXCEPT I would strongly encourage professional counsel in a case like this. Situations like yours are really specific and nuanced and I think having a Christian counselor involved would be the most effective approach. That ministry that I mentioned, Restoring Relationships with Dominic Herbst, offers phone/skype/Facetime assistance. I would reach out to their office and work with one of their staff members: 570-523-0605. BLESSINGS!!!!!!! 🙂
Hi. You mention falling back in love with your husband and rediscovering the passion you once had.
We have been married ( now separated) for 19 years. I married him in fear there would be no one else and have never truly been in love although I have loved him as I thought I should.
What do you do when you didn’t marry for good God-blessed reasons in the first place?
We trundled along ok until he really hurt me and now I’ve really hurt him…..
Hi Jenny! I’m so sorry to hear things have been so difficult! 🙁 In a way I can relate, because my marriage began in an ungodly, unhealthy state as well. We did not marry with God’s blessing at all– BUT we repented, turned to God and pursued Him with our whole hearts and He turned everything around. In fact, at first I was the only one pursuing God and the change that occurred in me moved my husband to change, too. There’s so much hope! I think the bible gives us some good guidelines for when we don’t marry the right person: Jesus explains how He hates divorce and Paul tells us to remain with our spouses if they will live with us. So how do we do this when everything is a mess? We work on ourselves. We spend every second we can pursuing God by reading His Word in the New Testament until we can hear His voice clearly. We seek Him for healing of every wound from our past and we take accountability for the wounds we have inflicted on others with genuine repentance. We seek to grow ourselves, in understanding our spouses and loving them sacrificially just as Christ loved us. I hope this helps, Sister!! Blessings!! Lizzie
Wow!! Another comment that has brought me to tears because it completely applies to my situation. Thank you for this article and thank you for your deep, heartfelt, and lovingly honest responses. They are some very good food for thought!
Dear Lizzy, you have provided such God sent healing and value in your post. Praise god for your faith, work and mission. I recently married not being sure about my husband (38 yrs first time) and it has been so difficult. He is very much on the aspergers spectrum but was able to be charming and sociable while courting. We married without my churches blessing and I feel consumed, eaten up by regret and sadness. Am finding it fo hard to look forward instead of back but this post and your genuine godly replies have filled my spirit with hope and determination. I’m going to read s and reread it. God bless you.
My marriage is only 5 years…nut in this whole time I made great mistakes and caused a lot of pain to my wife. I reached the point where we have discused with our pastor. At that time he warned me to stop and try regaining my wifes trust or else she will find someone else. It happened…she had an affair with someone else. Now she wants to divorce. I realised too late whats going on…now I’m trying everything I can. I started to pray, go more to church, read more from Bible…and do what I can to save my marriage…She is set for a divorce, she doesn’t want to hear about church anymore.
Please pray for me and my family
My heart towards my husband is so cold, hard and ugly. We have been married for 6 unhappy years, and things have gotten to he point I actually ENJOY hating him. It’s crazy to say this, but it is like my hatred has become a source of strength against this man who I see as my greatest enemy and even though I love God and I so want to be good- I do not want to let go of my greatest weapon against this man who has hurt me so deeply…
The thought of actually being IN LOVE with him… makes me cringe. I am so far away from goodness. I don’t even bother to pray about this marriage or my husband anymore because my prayers sound bitter and insincere, which is exactly how I feel. Maybe I’m too far gone down this path…
The thing is, I don’t want to divorce him. We have small children and I want/need his help with the kids. I just want to treat him neutrally, but keep my walls of hatred intact. I’ve told me that I do not love him and have no desire to do so, but that I would prefer to be married. I saw a twinge of hurt in him when I told him these words, and I was actually pleased to have hurt him like he has done to me so many times. Not very Christian at all.
So… how do I begin when my heart is so hardened that I can’t even WANT to change. I know I should seek God and pray… but I just can’t do it. I’m too bitter and cold. 🙁
Hey Friend— Oh my gosh– as I read your words, I felt like I was transported back in time. I can understand every single thing you said. Especially the “wanting to hate him” because it feels like your only defense against the hurt he has caused (and what he might do now or in the future). I’ve been in your shoes. Would you give me the privilege of speaking truth to you?? As I’ve studied under the Christian Psychologist Dominic Herbst whom I mentioned, I’ve learned a lot about this. What you have described is the textbook definition of what happens when we allow hate and bitterness to consume us. When we are hurt by someone and choose an attempt at self protection instead of surrendering our pain to God and offering forgiveness to our offender, we enter a cycle where pain turns to bitterness and hate, and bitterness and hate turn to rage and vengeance. This is when a person who was once the victim becomes the offender driven by their hate. My biggest concern for you right now is your relationship with God. This has to be dealt with– or I’m concerned it could have eternal consequences for you and your children (since they will model what you do and how you respond). Here’s what I think you should do… First of all– if you have the ability to work through the Online Journey with Restoring Relationships, DO IT. ASAP. (https://restoringrelationships.org/online-journey-with-peaceful-home/). This will guide you through a deep cleanse of your pain and your hate. It’s exactly what I did that made the biggest difference. If you are unable or unwilling to do that — get a journal and write down every single thing your husband has done to hurt you and how it made you feel. Ask God to enter into that pain with you and to cleanse and heal you. Allow yourself to deeply grieve as you pour everything out and spend some time in worship allowing God to pour in healing. Then, you need to journal about your personal accountability— how you have become hateful and bitter. You’ve already made an excellent start with your post here. But I want you to go deeper and I want you to feel it all. My friend, my heart breaks for you. Everything I am saying is out the most tender love and compassion. I want you to be free and healthy, I want your children to be raised in a non-toxic loving environment, and I want to see your marriage healed because that is God’ perfect will for you. Keep me posted on your progress and know you can count on my prayers. Precious Blessings, Lizzie Smiley
Your words could have come from my lips. I also have two toxic in laws that want me out of the picture, My father in law tried to punch me two visits ago and my mother in law will purposely take pictures with just my son and husband in them. Both times my husband did nothing.I have resided to pray to God and let him take care of it.
I got married just an year ago and it has been the worst part of my life. I am a pastor’s daughter and i grew up in a loving home. My husband is a very angry person. He abuses me physically, emotionally, verbally every single day. He spends recklessly, never allows me to suggest anything, always does what he feels is right. He is wise in his own eyes, constantly criticizes me and everyone. He is absolutely irresponsible. Every time he beats me up, he apologizes after a while. But that repentance does not last for more than two minutes. Only God knows how much it hurts me within. We don’t even engage in sexual activity because I don’t have feelings for the person who abuses me constantly. The kind of words he uses on me and the way he pulls my hair and thrashes me against walls, I could go on about it. He doubts my intentions when I do something for him. Sometimes it’s nothing less than a hell. I haven’t shared about him to anyone. Because I don’t want to. I can’t tell my parents, they are too weak to take it. I can’t hurt them with what’s going on with me. My situation is so complicated I wonder if there’s a remedy for it. I’m fed of pretending before people that everything is alright. I just want someone to talk to. Honestly I don’t feel like praying for my husband anymore. Over this year, I have developed so much hate that I hate him with all my heart, I hate it when he touches me, I hate his voice, I just hate everything about him. I’m asking God to take me or put me far away from him. Please pray for me.
Hey friend— My heart just broke reading your words. I am so sorry, sweetheart. Listen– this post that you just read? I did NOT write it for women in abusive relationships. I have another post that was linked about for any woman who is verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abused– THIS is what I would suggest for you: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
Please take it so seriously and consider talking to a pastor or counselor who can help you take the steps you need to take. Staying silent doesn’t help or protect anyone and this is NOT what God wants or planned for you, my precious one.
-Lizzie
I’m struggling so much right now…my husband of 18 years had an affair a year ago and we are trying to work through it. I always said that was a deal breaker for me but I don’t want to get a divorce. It’s been a long hard process, and I thought it was getting better. But then recently he has decided that he “views religion differently after the past year,” and is no longer willing to participate in our religious life. The triggering event was when the 10 Commandments were one of the readings in church one Sunday. I think he feels that Christianity is judging him for committing adultery, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate that if it weren’t for Christianity, I would have bolted long ago. I feel it’s my duty to forgive, to be graceful, to have compassion, etc., and I myself would not have been able to cope without the grace of God and a lot of prayer. Now he says he’s “not feeling Christmas” because of his religious issues. Putting the lights on the tree all by myself while he sat there on his computer is the loneliest I have ever felt in this marriage. The kids are not stupid; they know something isn’t right. I hate him for being so selfish and all the trouble he has wrought on the family; and then I feel terrible for doing so. I wake up panicking, begging God to forgive me for hating my husband. Your post is really helpful; I know I have to keep trying but oh my is it hard!
Lizzy, Stay strong and make sure you seek out a support network that will stand with you as you stand for your marriage. Whether it be understanding friends, a couple from church who has been through what you’re walking through now, or a Christian counselor. Some of what is happening is good because your husband’s heart is being convicted– the bad part is that rather than falling into God’s arms in repentance, he’s running away. Hope is not lost! Trust me! Get support and work on you. I really recommend the Restoring Relationships program I recommended, and two books might help– “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk and “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas.
I Googled “I hate my husband” and found this post. I’ve come to a point in my marriage where I just don’t think I can keep going. We’ve been married a little over 3 yrs and we’ve done counseling twice. First, thru my church. I thought it was great, I thought we got a lot of useful tools that would help us. Only later did I find out that he actually scoffed at the sessions and felt that it was “faux counseling” because “church people only preach that you’re not supposed to get divorced”. So that was a shocker…but I guess it shouldn’t have been. I already feel so duped by him. When we met, he was in church, we read together, prayed together, then it’s like a flip switched and he was somebody else. Now, I don’t even know what he believes.
He’s emotionally abusive and he’s NEVER wrong. He says whatever he wants to say because that’s how he’s feeling so that justifies it.The silent treatment is the hardest for me to deal with. If I don’t say anything, it’ll continue on until I try to smooth things over. and most of the time, I don’t even know why he’s giving me the silent treatment. Sometimes it’s because our 3 yr old has been acting like a 3 yr old but he’s so impatient with him that he gets stressed and then just shuts down and doesn’t talk. He sends me pictures of fit women to “motivate” me to lose weight. But when I ask him to work out with me or try a new meal plan he refuses. It also really hurts that I can see the kind of accounts he follows on IG, and they’re mostly women, half dressed and showing their butts.
This cycle of the silent treatment usually goes on about a week or so, until I try to smooth it over. When we’re not in the cycle, things are usually good between us but lately I find myself more and more looking at him in disgust. My heart has hardened towards him and I pray about it daily but the way he treats me just leaving me feeling so angry with him. I honestly hate him and I’ve talked to God about it.
We did more counseling not too long ago thru an Emotionally Focused Therapy counselor. And again, I really thought things were improving but he was just going along with it and then when done things went right back to the same. We were supposed to still continue going but the day before our last session, he just up and said I’m not going anymore, you can go by yourself. So, I just cancelled altogether.
While we were dating, I really prayed about our relationship and I THOUGHT I had peace about marrying him. Lately, I’ve been really beating myself up about it. Like, did I miss God? I just haven’t been in a good place lately and now I’m pregnant again (after not having sex for about 19 months) and I don’t even want to share the news because I’m so upset with myself for staying in this situation. I think about leaving EVERY DAY but financially, I can’t. Plus with 3 other kids, I’m not even sure how to start. I’ve looked into just handling it myself and going thru a mediator but he’s so wishy-washy, things may turn out bad.
I just want to know at what point is it ok to just walk away??? I’m emotionally done. I keep going because of my kids but I’m not sure how much longer I can….
Kam- I’m so heartbroken for you. I am so so sorry, beautiful friend. Here are a few resources for you. First of all– whether you stay or go, I can’t recommend Restoring Relationships for you enough. It applies even if you leave or get a divorce. It’s MOSTLY about your relationship with God. You may even want to consider calling their practice at Bethesda Family Services to get specific counsel just for you. Their number is: (570)523-0605
I have also written a post specifically for people in abuse situations. Please read it for more specific guidance in abuse situations. It’s HERE.
Sending you SO MUCH love and HUGS! ~Lizzie
I am really appreciative for this article, however struggle with applying it. I am a Christian woman, who has been struggling with a husband who says he believes in God but isn’t living a life as such.I have deep feelings of hatred and resentment towards him. He is not a spiritual leader in our home, and really doesn’t lead in any other way either. I am left with trying to figure out how to get necessities for the kids and myself because he is controlling and withholds money from me when he gets upset at something I’ve said or done. His needs come first. He shows favoritism with our kids and is a chauvinist. He encourages our kids, specifically our 9 year old son to fight with our 14 year old daughter over video games. He has an obvious, issue with our 14 year old as well, he’s constantly nit picking and trying to find things to be negative to her about I find myself being a referee, don’t get me wrong I know she’s no angel,and is in that teenage adolescent stage of defiance, but when you have a parent, in my opinion, who acts the same it’s a recipe for disaster. We don’t agree on discipline methods and don’t work together on anything. There’s such a disconnect and division. I have been quiet and “submissive” for many years and let him run all over me, but now that I’ve begun to speak up over the years especially after having kids, it’s ruffled his feathers and wants me to shut up and not speak out for what the kids and I need. He wants me to be compliant and be voiceless, if I don’t speak up for what is needed he’d act just a though nothing was needed.He continues to spend frivolously and throw away perfectly fine brand new clothing and other items because they don’t fit right or meet his expectations only to buy more , as I beg for more grocery money or kids lunch money, or gas, or dental etc. I work a part time job, after quitting a 10 year full time job, and going back after him not living up to what he said he would do. But what I make is pennies to his 6 figure job. He will be sure that I spend every dime I have before even considering helping out more. He doesn’t know exactly what I make,but recently he’s been wanting me to divulge the information, and I wouldn’t normally mind but I know what will come with it. He tries to buy affection from the kids, but he is not involved emotionally, he asks the kids, do you love daddy?and acts like it’s a competition between he and I. He doesn’t help with school, doesn’t attend any of their school performances, even when he can because they’re an inconvenience for him. He won’t even take them to the doctor or emergency room if they need to go. He hasn’t helped me during my 5 pregnancies, I’ve had to go in to get baby supplies the day after being released from the hospital after two pregnancies because he wouldn’t go to get some few last necessities.I had severe depression after the last two, and he’s been unsympathetic and has told me to get over it.He’s left me at the doctor, a 45 min. drive away from our home after I was held for a suicide watch, at our fifth child’s postpartum appointment,that he refused to go into.He had no clue what happened or didn’t even come in to see what happened, after about 6 hours the nurses were looking for him in the parking lot but he left, he said I took up his off time and he had to go to work the next day.He was ashamed to come in to have me released in his care so he brought my mom back down so she could go in to have me released to her. He’s impatient, rude, arrogant, entitled, a pathological liar,unsympathetic, & hot tempered.He brags about his wrong doing and immoral behavior and defiance at work, or just everyday and retaliating with authority,and is modeling these things for our children,to where they are beginning to display some of the traits. He speaks down to me,and about my family saying I’m not on his level of intelligence or self motivation etc etc etc. There have been so many more incidents and I could go on and on.The very first psychologist I went to said he’s a narcissist, and I was best off leaving for the kids and myself. I do my best to try and counteract and correct these behaviors the kids begin to display but the kids also ask why he behaves the way he does, and why he lies and they don’t trust him.The oldest has said I should divorce him. I tell them they need to pray for him and try not to speak negatively about him to them, but we argue all the time,and I’m getting and have been tired. I feel little if any connection with him, and even that is dying,but I feel stuck physically out of fear of change to an extent and I would know where to go, and hugely financial. I know this article is for trying to save marriage but I feel hopeless and exhausted from forgiving, being abused emotionally, mentally, and economically, and by sweeping things under the rug but I feel more resentful each day. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have things I need to work on, particuIarly my mouth and approach, but after the years of the abusive behavior, I can’t say many wouldn’t, not making excuses, just saying how much can one take of feeling insignificant and unloved. I take my kids to church and pray and read the Bible and devotionals at home with them but I also feel i’m doing a disservice by showing them to continue in a relationship as such. We have been to counseling twice several years apart and I’ve recently been pushing for it again, but of course everything is something I’m doing wrong and no one can tell him what he needs to do because no one is doing what he’s doing.I’m at my wits end and I feel alone and hopeless.
Erika– I’m hurting for you and praying for you! I’m so glad you found this post– and it sounds like this one may be even more helpful. I wrote a VERY different message for women who are being physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused. I hope you find encouragement, hope, and answers here: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
I’ve been dying for 27 years! I wish I could end this for real already. My marriage is a prison. My husband grew up in a house where the man is the boss and his wife need to be quiet an obedient, ask for nothing yet everything (please we need bread, please can you bring some dog food, please i need some…!) , never speak her mind, never complain, never expect to go anywhere or do anything other than household chores (with his permission).
I had to resign my job when we got married because he believe a man should be the sole provider. I was a fool!!! Now I am his prisoner and he decides what, where, how and when….!
I came from a loving home where my dad treated my mom as his equal partner, I thought this was the case in every relationship.
There is no physical abuse. Only mental- rebuff etc He wont touch me, not even with a pair of pliers. He question everything I say or do as if I am unintelligent, a fool. He would argue about everything. If I would say ” what a lovely day”, he would start “yes BUT…” He is always angry about something. I’ve been walking on eggs the whole time, to scared to be me. I’ve asked him for a divorce a long time ago and he promised me he would see to it that I will never see my kids, so I stayed. Communication is none existing- for years.
My kids are all grown up and gone and I found myself alone in this wretched marriage! I hate my life and I wish I could die and get it over with, I practically begged him for a divorce but he refuses. I hate my husband, I hate my life, I even struggle with my faith lately and my faith in God has been my anchor my whole life. I don’t want to pray for my marriage. Every time I prayed, the Lord answered and things would change for a week, a month or even months and I would become hopeful and rejoice. But it won’t last! God change circumstances because He is faithful, but people only change by choice and even though I begged my husband to treat me differently (and he even promised he would), he chose not to…
A murderer gets a sentence for 5- life (25 years) and then he walks free, but I am trapped in a loveless marriage and there is NO WAY OUT and this only because i said “I Do” 27 years ago! I don’t want a divorce to pursue another, all I want is to be FREE. I don’t even know who I am any more. I am numb inside, I look around me and see people walking and laughing and I feel is cynical. I do not like this person I became, I hate being hateful, I need help
Friend– I’m hurting for you and praying for you! I’m so glad you found this post– and it sounds like this one may be even more helpful. I wrote a VERY different message for women who are being physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused. I hope you find encouragement, hope, and answers here: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
Hello,
I’m not married, but I am considering it. I’ve read all the posts and am pretty anxious now because of it. It seems like marriage is more like hell than it is a blessing…I’m a guy and I truly want to be a blessing to my future wife (If I get one) I want to be with someone who loves God more than me; I want to love her (patient,kind,forgiving,etc). I know that no relationship is perfect but I want to know how can I help to keep it healthy and long-lasting. Can you give some advice please? Thank you.
Hi Kadeef! I think it’s wonderful that you’re working on yourself now– before even getting married. That’s a very strong mark in your favor. I think the BEST thing you can do to help your future marriage be a success is to strengthen your relationship with God now and work on healing your hurts from the past before you get married. (I would also suggest you require this of your future wife– for your benefit and hers! It should be part of your pre-marital counseling.) One of the biggest problems is that we go into marriage with a lot of baggage and we take out our pain on our spouse. That is why almost every post I write links to the Restoring Relationships Ministry. They have a proven, biblical path to healing that has helped thousands of people and marriages. I can’t recommend it enough and if I were you– I’d consider whole-heartedly going through the Online Journey and then sharing it with your fiance and delicately encouraging her to pursue it as well. Above all– work on yourself and your relationship with God. Keep Him first place and trust His Word over your emotions. Be encouraged, friend! You’re off to a great start! BLESSINGS! Lizzie Smiley
Wow! Thank you, you’re right God is the focus of everything, the epicenter if you will. God bless you and your household Lizzie.
Another fight…..I should use kept my mouth shut. Why did I even try talking to him. Just wanted to share some feelings….just needed to talk….just needed a friend. When will I ever learn! I’m mad at myself right now for opening up to him. Now, it will be another day of silence. Another day of loneliness. Another day of regrets, yearning of freedom. There’s no way out, as he walks away I say F_ _ _ You! I hate him, I hate his words, his voice, his thoughts, his feelings, his opinions, his presence. Don’t touch me, leave me alone. I have no desire for him mentally or physically and it angers him! He doesn’t understand. Fight after fight for years. Flipping him off constantly, I hate him!!!!! I want out but am trapped. I quit my career 16 years ago to raise 2 kids and now I’m stuck. No money, no job skills…..I’m lost,empty, mad, angry, alone. Constantly searching but never finding anything. So, here I am, laying in my bed, crying like a child, watching my life pass me by…..nothing to give. Emptiness.
Gina– I am heartbroken for you. I know that place of loneliness and hopelessness and pain so well. It sounds like you have a mountain of hurt overwhelming you and one moment you try to share it with your husband and the next you want to run away from him. I get that, too. I’m going to love you enough to tell you the truth right now, Gina. <3 It is your bitterness that is destroying you and contributing to your marriage being toxic. I can't beg you enough to pursue some professional counseling or consider the Restoring Relationships Ministry that I linked above. It’s time to awaken the powerful woman inside of you and refuse to stay angry and bitter. I want more for you and God wants more for you. Please don’t give up. Please don’t stay empty. Even just for the example your kids see– show them a fight for victory. Show them a healed marriage and Momma. I’m praying for you and hurting for you, my friend! Take the first step. Please check in down the road and let us know how you’re doing! LOVE, Lizzie Smiley
Than your for your prayers. Yes, I agree, my bitterness is killing me and it has been for years. My husband and I have seen 3 counselors and I myself have seen 2. I’m the one that’s miserable. He knows how I feel and gets very angry and verbal with me about it. I just want to turn and run. Thank you for your advice.
Sorry I made some typos. …
I have been married only a few months, in fact we will soon reach a year. It’s been the most horrible months ever. My husband was great when he was my fiance. We moved cities because of his career and i left my job to be supportive. I am now unemployed, struggling to find employment whilst his career is flourishing. He has become so arrogant and rude. He is aggressive and only brings out the worst in me. We have just recently bought a property and he is not that much interested in prioritizing himself. I feel like I have made a huge mistake marrying him because he makes me so upset and whenever he is not around me i feel more at peace. I just wish I could reverse time and not have married him. I have prayed and i have also begun changing my attitude but it is getting way more harder and the anger and frustration inside me keeps increasing. I am starting to think that marriage is the worst thing ever.
I have been married for 37 years. I am a Christian. We were 20 years old when we married and apparently I was very immature. I know that I did not love my husband like i should have when we married. We have 3 beautiful children and 5 precious grandchildren. He was unfaithful to me many years ago, has been emotionally abusive (cusses me and when I had a hysterectomy because of back pain he came in to my hospital room and cussed me using Gods name in vain). He wanted 5 kids, but never helped me at all with the 3 that we had,and didn’t spend any time with my children when they were growing up. Two of our three had type 1 diabetes that he never helped me with manage them which was very stressful. Four years ago I woke up out of a sound sleep hearing the words “I hate my husband” (subconscious?) Since that night I have had extreme hatred and disgust in my heart for him. It is literally tearing my health down. I feel so broken. I have prayed, gone for counseling, tried energy healing,etc.) When he comes in I immediately go in to panic mode, feeling sick,dizzy, have stress hormones surging through my body. I don’t want to break up my home. Also I made a commitment to a lifetime covenant. Please pray for me and I am open to any suggestions. I feel hopeless and helpless. I want change these emotions, but it feels like Satan is not going to allow it to happen. Thank you for any advice.
Thank you so much for your post – this is really helpful to me. Good to read all the comments and see people in different types of situations. I realize better that its more about our relationship with God and focusing on His love for us. Through him we can do all things! When I focus on his love it makes it easy to forgive my spouse and love myself, take care of myself, and count my blessings. Thank you Lord for your lovingkindness.
I want to thank you for posting this. They are not always easy words, but I know they are wise and sound, even when we don’t feel like following the advice. I have been married twice, the first time to an extremely abusive person whom I left and divorced. I have also been betrayed in every relationship I have ever had, including by family. Now, I am married to a man who has many good qualities but also has many bad ones. He can be narcissistic, short-tempered, very passive-aggressive, and immature. He is sometimes a poor example for others, and I feel like he just generally does not care about me and is completely cold and indifferent to anything I may be going through. 99% of the times I feel utterly alone. He also is a good helper around the house and works hard for his family. So there is good and bad, but I still intensely dislike him. I try not to, pray against it, try to be kind even when I don’t want to, but I no longer look forward to him coming home or enjoy seeing him walk in the room. Sometimes I feel like our house is more peaceful without him around. Worst of all, I struggle against thinking about a wonderful man who had wanted to marry me 20 years ago who I turned down and is now happily married to someone else. I now bitterly regret my decision. I feel horrible that I would harbor such thoughts and repeatedly pray that God remove it from my mind, but it lingers like a poison. Sometimes, I regret that I just didn’t follow other career opportunities instead of marrying at all. I’m just so tired after a lifetime of struggling in painful relationships. I know I am not perfect, far from it, but I just don’t want to do this anymore and feel far too old and worn out to fight for people or relationships that always, always lead to pain and profound disappointment no matter how hard I try. However, I will keep reading your words, try to pick myself up for the millionth time, do what I have to do (what other choice is there other than another divorce?), and pray God performs a miracle. Somehow.
I’m a Christian & thought that if I did things right I would be happy in marriage…. have a big family etc. but I married a child of divorce, closet alcoholic. I can’t raise 6 kids by myself. I believe the post is right, focus on the positive, but for how long, when they have the addiction & also tear you down emotionally. I still think my children will have worse life if we separate but I can’t go in like this.
Hey friend— I totally understand. Doing the right things sadly doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage. 🙁 I am so sorry for the incredible hardship you face day after day. I DO NOT think you should just stick around forever with someone who refuses to take accountability for addiction and emotionally abuses you. I wrote a different post for women in situations like yours. Check this one out– it will have very practical action steps for you: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/marriage/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/
God bless you, sweet friend! You are so loved! <3
Thank you for this post! It was just what I needed right now! Hate is too strong a word for me…I realized I don’t like my husband in so many ways that is what is causing a lot of our problems lately. So glad I read this-
Thank you for your post. I am a guy and I have been married for a little over 2 years. My wife left a lot to be with me, I never really loved her while dating, but still decided to get married. I hurt her a lot while dating and was never faithful (long distance relationship for 6 years) I didn’t know how to completely reject her and call things off. She still decided to marry me after all the things I have done, and I should love her for that, but I don’t. I think I resent her for staying with me. I pray for love and affection towards her, because I also lack in intimacy with her. I was not a practicing Christian when we were dating, I was the opposite (though I was raised in the Church). Then during the first few months of marriage, things were bad and I decided that I needed to come back to Christ. But my wife was not a Christian or was raised in a household of believers and this startled her bad. But eventually, we both got baptized (I was re-baptized). But even leading up to baptism we were fighting and afterwards as well. I have been cutting a lot of things out of my life, like certain types of music, tv shows, etc. and she doesn’t like it, she says she feels like she’s living with a pastor. But even though I am reading the Bible and praying, I still have a quick temper with her, raise my voice at her, it’s like I’m upset at her all the time. I know this is wrong, but it happens so often, even after praying or before we have Bible study together we fight, go to bed angry.
She is hurting a lot and I am supposed to be the leader in the home, but I am misrepresenting Christ by my behavior. There is so much to say, I can’t type it all. I just feel that I can’t make my love grow. I always hear people say that you can fall BACK in love, but what about falling in love for the first time with your spouse? I know I should make a decision and not wait for emotions, but it’s like I am empty inside for her. And I’m supposed to be a Christian!!
Just wanted to respond to this husband . I feel your pain with the anger & fighting with wife & questioning… I just know the source of your pain is not her. You need to be healed from your past & live the life you want to, just with your wife as much as possible. I have had to accept my relationship may not be what I wanted, but the greatest reason is me… I can’t leave my spouse for another bc same emotions will be played out…bc I am the same. I need to stay faithful to promise I made
Dear Lizzie,
Thank you for your inspiring blogs. God led me to you. I’m ready to listen to him. I want my God to know that I love him more than myself. I will be looking at your past blogs as well as new inspirational ones!
Theresa
Theresa– I’m so glad to meet you and grateful our paths crossed! I hope you find inspiring content here! If you’re struggling in this area– you might check out Restoring Relationships on Facebook also. Really powerful, biblical resources to help you on your journey.
BLESSINGS!
-Lizzie
My wife left me about a month ago taking our two little girls 6 and 4. They do live within about 3 miles and it’s very easy to go get them and take them out and they do spend the night with me some. All the words [e.g., devastated, broken, depressed (I have a depression/anxiety disorder as it is) and the like are all at play.] I try to believe God will heal us. But she has said she hates me, she does not want me to visit where they stay except to pick up the girls, she will not let me come into the house where they are living, not even to use the restroom. She says she will divorce me after a year’s separation (the only grounds she has in my state’s law). She says I have failed her repeatedly for years and I am undependable. I did lose my cool because of her refusal to have or show any respect whatever for me many years ago and slapped her–I repented immediately, fell down on our bed and crawled off onto the floor. I was sure all life together was over.
A month ago our 6 year old repeatedly refused to comply with my instruction. My wife was fussing/yelling instructions to me to redirect her but nothing availed. The pressure was stupid and my wife was not helping. I did not abuse my daughter but administered coporal punishment. My wife said that was “it” and that they were going to leave. A week or two later they did.
I will not leave our church. I am fed by the word there and it is where my girls go to church also. So, she does not want me sitting near her. For the past year she has not at with me anyway.
I talk with out Pastor often. I have a Christian Counselor who is great. I talk to other Christian brethren who are concerned. None agree with my wife’s leaving. She hates me. The look she gives me in the eyes and things she says even now are simply evil. I fear there is no hope. Her heart is frozen solid against me.
Is there hope and why should I believe when the Lord does not force repentance. Thank You for any thoughts
Bruce— Here is a free video from my favorite relationships ministry on what to do when you have a prodigal spouse. I think there is so much wisdom here and I hope it helps you! BLESSINGS!! You can request access to the video library here– it’s free, you just need to register with your email: https://restoringrelationships.org/free-resources/the-prodigal-spouse/
Lots of folks talk about Scripture and few apply it…if we did those Relationships would heal quick. Ive found some of the most zealot Christians tend to be lacking in application of Christs words and actions. More Apply less talk.
I truly detest my husband. He’s a miserable prick who’s verbally abusive to me and our son. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant and he tells me he shouldn’t have gotten me pregnant, and he was glad the last one resulted in a miscarriage. As much as I don’t want to go through that pain for what will be the fourth time, I’m not confident about raising another child with him. He calls our son names and blames everyone around him for everything. He’s constantly negative and swears all the time. It’s gotten progressively worse over the last eight months of him not working. I’m ready to leave. I’m tired of fighting and doing everything for the family. I’m so exhausted! I’ve cried out to the Lord to help and my husband keeps getting worse. I feel so alone!
I found this article late. This article totally describes the resentment and bitterness i felt towards my most loving husband of 4yrs. at this moment i type, i gave in to anger and allowed it consume me. today i shattered my family. my husband is leaving me because i hit him in the belly with anger because he refused to yield or answer my pleas for forgiveness for the recent issue we had. when he got angry and refused to calm down while threatening to send me away and take away the kids from me, i went into the kitchen pulled a knife and tried to fake that i will kill myself so that he will have a change of mind. i used this act in the past and it worked but today he would not have it again. now he says i am a danger to him and unfit to take care of our two kids. He said he will take on another wife since i don’t value him. I am torn apart right now and I’m now wondering if we can ever heal and reconcile again. I blame myself for all these.
Jane— I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling right now– and it sounds like the rage and pain have been brewing in you for a very long time. There is always hope, my friend! I really encourage you to find a professional you can speak with (preferably a Christian counselor) to help you process your anger and your sadness AND give you an objective 3rd party opinion to help you pursue reconciliation with your husband. When things get to a difficult place like yours, it can help so much to have a professional wade through it all. Even I continue to visit with a counselor to process through difficulties in a healthy way and continue to grow. There’s lot’s of wisdom and no shame. We’re praying for you!
even though i am lost at this point and my marriage has crumbled, i still want to believe God led me to ur article for a purpose. i hope i can do wat u advised and get my husband back.
How do you forgive and move on when you’re married to the person that hurt you so deeply? A person that you see every hour of everyday. A person you share a home with a life with. A divorce is the only way to free myself from a person I no longer like but I don’t how to do that. You see, I’m a Christian, and Christian’s don’t get divorces. Isn’t that God’s law?? So, here I am….
Gina— I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. 🙁 It’s an extremely difficult place to be in. If you’re in an abusive situation (emotional, physical, sexual, etc) then please read this post instead. Abuse requires very different steps and action than an unhappy, loveless marriage. That being said– even marriage without abuse can cause tremendous pain. It sounds like you are carrying a heavy load that you were never meant to bear. Have you considered talking to a counselor?? I found it tremendously helpful when dealing with hate and unforgiveness towards my husband. I think the most profound thing I learned was that the forgiveness wasn’t about him in the end– it was about my own peace and freedom. And I deserved it– and so do you. I PRAY you find it, friend! BLESSINGS! Lizzie
Hi, it’s 1:18am and I’m alone. Why? Because of a decision to say “I Do” on 10/11/17. I dated my husband since HS. We broke up and became friends with benefits and then got back together before getting engaged and subsequently married. I’m hating him currently. I don’t want this marriage anymore. He is inconsiderate, thoughtless, rude, immature, and is NOT the spiritual leader that I needed him to be. We’re always fighting and haven’t been intimate in months. I have no interest in intimacy or dates with him. He does nothing around the house and we’re living with my MOTHER because we’re trying to get on our feet. Well, today he got into a fight with my mother which then creates tension and a mother who tells her daughter (me): “I cannot wait until you’re gone!” I’m disappointed in him ALL THE TIME. He plays games incessantly even in bed. I don’t want children at all and even if I did I still wouldn’t have them with HIM. My heart is broken. We’ve gotten in physical fights lately and the last one was because I shut off the WiFi which ended his game. So he ran up to me, grabbed my arms as I tried to keep my phone away from him as he attempted to grab it. He was successful and I had to run to find a way to call my dad. His games are top priority. He forgets about me. Now why am I alone at this hour? Because he decided not to let me know he’d be late because he went to play Magic the Gathering at a card shop. He stated he was TIRED of telling me where he’s at and that why can’t he do whatever the F he wants. I told him he’s married to me. We’re accountable to each other. That’s when he pulled the biggest low blow on me. “Well you’re my wife and you don’t do your job as a wife so why should I comply?” I told him not to come back home as I cried on the floor. I was sexually abused by my god siblings when I was 5. I always saw sex as dirty and unpleasant but never realized it was because of that hurt. Today, using that reason was the last straw. After I calmed down I took off my ring and told God: “I’m done. I can’t do this for another 50 years. Not with this boy.” I beg for attention. I beg for him not to leave. I beg for forgiveness whether I’m right or not. I pursue him. I’m done. I just want peace. I hear his car parking and my heart is racing from dread. I’m about to cry. I don’t want him here.
I needed this article so bad. Thank you so much.
It’s twisted to find comfort that so many other women are going through the same thing. It has been summed up in so many of these posts and I am so done with going over this in my head that I will not even describe the situation. I always understood marriage as a give and give …not a give and take. Give and give only works if you have a like-minded partner. I have tried all the suggestions and given till it hurts and beyond…but if the person I am with has no idea what it means to give in a marriage…then how is sacrificial love going to work? I am seeing a counselor today for my own sanity.m I am praying for every woman in the long list of comments that the men they are with show some sign of light reaching their hearts and can at the very least live on that for the sake of their children. Mine wont. I do not want the stamp of 2nd time divorced on my forehead but now after 13 years of the same cycle and many wise people telling me he will never realize anything…I am hardened and getting ready to bear the stigma and whatever else is coming-the financial ruin, loneliness, depression, losing friends and maybe even family ties changing. I only play to win–everything in my life is a roaring success by the grace of the almighty–except for this sorry excuse for a marriage. I played and lost miserably at this game. Ironically we used to teach marriage seminars in our church and now I am on the verge of something that would deter anyone from marriage. We were once an example and now I feel like a huge hypocrite since the principles I truly believed in are replaced with “I wish he would just disappear”. The devil has a hold on him and hes not strong enough to fight it. And now the devil has crept into my heart too–filling it with hate. 13 years of emotional battery will do that.
I’m praying for you, Sonia! I hope the counselor was able to help! No matter what happens with your husband, I pray peace over your sweet heart and joy over your future.
I find myself resisting everything you are saying with the thought that what good does it do me to change? He will still be the same self-centered, selfish person that he is, only instead of me begging and eventually getting some help around the house, I will have to do EVERYTHING. And he will be happy because he will have finally got all he really wants and needs in a marriage — A MOTHER substitute to take care of him while he watches hours of violent and senseless dramatic television every night, smokes cigarettes, and worries about whether he will can get his work out in. Indeed, if he spent half the time/energy helping around the house that he spends on TV, smoking and his workout, I probably would not hate him as much as I do. But his character is truly the opposite of the values I hold dear. So how on earth is changing me going to do anything other than solidify the very thing that is making me miserable – the fact that I’m married to a lazy man child who is more than happy to sit on his butt and watch me work until I can barely stand both at a demanding job and then at our home. At this point, I am here only because we have a small child together. I do not know how long that will be enough. My mother divorced my self-centered father and married a wonderful man who showed me what a good husband can be to a wife for 42 years. Why should I stay with a man who just wants his mother?
But what if you married your husband only because you were desperate and living away from God at the time, not because you loved him? What if there have never been good times to look back on? What if you’ve never loved him and you regret every day of your life marrying him? What if he has no redeeming qualities and does nothing but work and then sit on his phone literally the whole time he’s home? What if he has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old? What if he has zero interest in leading the family spiritually? What if he has zero interest in a relationship period? What if he simply refuses to discus anything, no matter how kindly it’s brought up? Then what? I’m absolutely miserable but divorce is not an option.
Lyn— I can absolutely feel your pain and frustration. I’m so so sorry, friend. God is not missing a beat– He sees it all. The truth still remains that the only thing you can control is you. Your only way forward is through. Your best path is to find joy where you are. Ask God to change you so you can find a place of peace, purpose, and gratitude in these circumstances. When we finish well, the rewards in heaven will outweigh the pain and disappointment here. I know it’s not an easy pill to swallow– and yet it is truth. I’m praying that God will come alongside and help you make beauty for ashes. HUGS, Lizzie
I am sorry you are going through this This is exactly what I am going through…..exactly.Its terrible how we have to mother a man for the rest of our lives.
It is comforting, yet heartbreaking that so many women feel the same way I feel. I don’t like being married, and I don’t enjoy even being around my husband. There is no connection, we don’t talk like we used to and haven’t had sex in 3 years. Mainly because I feel like I can’t measure up to the girls he looks at online and I hate myself. He struggles with pornagrophy and I struggle to move past it. We’ve been married for 8 years and this has been going on for 6 years, that I know of. I don’t even like to be hugged or touched by him. I’ve prayed that God would help me forgive and forget, but I fail and have such a hard time. We exist in the same house. And the deepest hurt is that he blames me for his porn issues. I regret getting married sometimes. I have thought about leaving, but I stay. I dont know what to do.
I wanna thank you first Lizzie for your heart in sharing all these things. I just read this about yesterday when I googled “im a christian but im so mad with my husband for lying to me”. I’m so thankful that the spirit lead me here. I got mad with my husband last Friday night, then the whole Saturday I never talked to him and don’t even prepared food for him going to work and after work. My husband kept on saying he’s sorry but I kept on rejecting him and refusing all his hugs that sometimes hurts him already, for my heart is so hardened and covered with lies too. Then yesterday, Sunday morning, I just lay down on a bed from the other room, closed the door and read your blog with the comments. I am really moved by the Holy Spirit while reading it that I kept on crying. I am corrected on what I was feeling that time. My heart made right again. Thanks for reminding me to obey and surrender it all to God. I learned to forgive my husband, for who am I if not, when God has already forgiven me for all of my sins. I had the courage to approach him again and felt sorry for how I responded to him. At night, I prayed with him and even used some of your words from your sample prayer. I slept in peace and smile on my lips. I felt freedom. Thank you again Lizzie. Still going to read some of your blogs. Keep blessing people with your heart and keep on giving hope to everyone. You are blessed! XO from Philippines
WOW!! PRAISE GOD!!! Thank you so much for sharing !!!! BLESSINGS over you and your marriage sweet sister!
I am reading all these comments and can relate to just about all of them. I’ve known my husband for 19 years. I married him when I was 18 and it’s been a struggle. He has good qualities BUT the bad ones in my opinion outweigh them. I’ve become numb in a sense. I don’t like affection from him. I am so uncomfortable. I want to do God’s will but I fantasize about being alone. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. We have 3 boys and I don’t know that he is a good example of what a Godly man should be. He’s got his own issues to deal with and I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Still, I guess I’m still here because I have hope. It hurts. It really hurts to be in a marriage that I truly believe SUCKS. But I know deep down that God is greater. I need help!
Jessica— I can absolutely understand where you’re coming from. I have been in your shoes and I know that pain and loneliness SO WELL. If you’re not in an abusive situation– I would encourage you to seek God to restore the love in your marriage. Ask Him to give you a tenderness for your husband, start focusing on the good qualities (maybe even start a journal where every day you write down one good thing about your husband or one helpful thing he did). I would encourage either you (or both of you) if possible to read a marriage book together, attend a seminar/retreat, or even go to counseling. The best thing you can do for yourself, your sons, and your husband is model what it looks like to fight for the covenant that God placed under and over your marriage. BLESSINGS!!! I’m praying for you and see the pain. There is ABSOLUTELY HOPE!
I’m a guy married ten years. Both chistiams, first part of my marriage I was in-love with my wife an I was hurt. Still hurt an now still see myself giving up on her. She tells me how great other men were to her in her life an all I’ve been to her were gross ugly disgusting. So she has everyone fooled that she a great Christian an I know the truth but I don’t say anything cause I don’t want to hurt her like she hurts me. So at this point she’s really searching God but still treats me bad. She been reading bible studying an yet after all these years I have yet to hear an apology for anything she’s done to me an said about me. An now I feel replaced once again by these men that she loved an respected in first place. An replaced by God, should I be happy for her that she searches an loves God but still treats me bad? Or is she really searching God? Idk I’m just tired really tired. I feel like God slipping away from me like I’m broken an yet he says his close to the broken hearted. I’m tired just tired
Hi Ed! Thanks for having the courage to post here! I am so so sorry for all the pain you’re feeling. 🙁 You can still win over your wife to you and to the Lord. My favorite scriptural reminder is this:
“To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
1 Cor 7:12-16
Just like I tell women who contact me about their husbands– the best way to change another person is to work on yourself. I know that doesn’t feel good because you believe she should be doing the work– and she should, too– but at the end of the day, you are responsible for you. If she’s willing to go to counseling with you, I think that would be the BEST case scenario, but if she isn’t– perhaps look into seeing a Christian counselor on your own or going through the Restoring Relationships Online Journey on your own. Press into God– you don’t need anything from her to be healed and to forgive. Everything you need is in Jesus. I just encourage you to do something– it’s not what she does that can destroy you, it’s the bitterness and pain in your heart. Keep fighting the good fight! BLESSINGS Brother!
Ed,
I’ve been where you are and am still trying to stay above water.
If you haven’t already followed the publishers advice of getting help for your self, from a licensed professional counselor, do it today. I’ll try to make my point quickly.
I got help for myself, my anger problem. My counselor kept asking me questions, and he listened! Then he spoke to my wife. The truth came out, she faced it, made some changes, and we’re still married. Sometimes, it’s even good.
My point is: You cannot go through this alone.
Avoid Pastoral (Church) counselors who often do not know what to do with deep, intense emotional issues.
After many years of the same kind of emotional abuse you’ve gone through, God is shining light into my life again. Despite how men and women have treated me, He loves me and has good in store for me. He has the same for you.
My husband was so emotionally unavailable, so selfish, so passive aggressive, and so snarky, that the pain and loneliness actually led me on a spiritual journey to discover the truth. He made me so miserable that it made me long to know there was some greater meaning to all of it. I wasn’t seeking Christ, but Christ put Himself in front of me. So every time I think about how much I dislike my husband, I remember how if it weren’t for him being awful, I would probably still be on the path to destruction. My husband will never be what I need him to be. But God is. When I look at my husband as a tool used by God to reconcile Himself to me, it really changes my attitude toward him.
Jessica– thanks so much for sharing! I’m so encouraged to hear how God is helping you in your marriage! I pray that as you press into Him and become more and more like Christ, your husband will witness the transformation and come to a place of decision and change himself. You’re right– no person can be everything we need, but God is! And He uses us as witnesses of His love! BLESSINGS Sister!!
Your article touches men too.
MY wife hated me for the first 21 years of our marriage.
Pastors pointe the finger at me, I believed ‘if I just try harder’… then a licensed professional counselor, who also is a Christian, met privately with us both.
It turns out that my wife was using me as an emotional punching bag for all of the hatred she stored up for her abusive (now dead) parents.
It wasn’t me, after all.
Now I have to forgive her.
My husband is a hard working, sacrificial man. He would lay down his life for me and our grown children… and probably a stranger! He’s a very talented creative, artist and musician. He’s had to work a hard labor business to support us and has been run through the mill in regards to being betrayed and taken advantage of in business and personal life. This has caused residual damage. He won’t admit it but he is very bitter and has anger issues. We are building a house and if I offer a different opinion than his, he gets angry and says I should just build it myself. I Think we are just having a healthy back-and-forth conversation about the style of our home and it turns into a huge blow up. How am I supposed to handle the fact that I don’t feel my opinion counts in most situations. I generally just don’t express myself because I don’t want a blowup. I pray constantly that he can be healed from the strong hold of anger and unforgiveness. I needed this article today. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Tabby– YIKES! It would be so difficult to walk on eggshells like that all the time. 🙁 But I’d also hate to see you get bitter after years of feeling squelched. Without knowing more about your whole situation, it’s hard to know exactly what to suggest. Since the easiest thing to start with is you—- it might help to consider how you share your thoughts with him (ie think about everything from do you interrupt? your facial expressions, body language, tone, does he feel like everything needs to be your way?). My husband is a very sensitive man and I had to learn early on how to communicate in a way that feels respectful to him. (The book: “The proper care and feeding of husbands” helped me soooo much!) Maybe that’s a factor for you guys too?? If not, you need to confront the root issue with your husband and confirm that he desires for your relationship to be a partnership– because if he doesn’t, I’d strongly recommend counseling ASAP– that’s a much deeper issue that shouldn’t be left to fester. If he does desire a partnership— calmly ask him how he wants you to share your thoughts and feedback with him. I hope this helps! Many blessings!
Here is what I don’t understand. Why is it that every single marriage advice website, sermon, book, tv show, you name it ALWAYS says the woman has to do the changing? Never ever ever ever have I seen one that calls a man to accountability and understand that we are a reflection of them. Born and created to be responders. I’M SOOOOO DARN TIRED of trying to make everything right., Every event, every day, every meal every thought. You guys get the picture. Bottom line is men just don’t care enough to be accountable.
Laurel– I can appreciate where you’re coming from. In a healthy relationship, both people need to make the effort. My main message is this: I manage me. I can’t control him.
So if I want to improve the relationship, I have to work on the part I can control which is my response. If it helps at all, I tell men the same thing. 🙂 If they have a problem with their wife, they need to be accountable. HUGS!
Hi everyone I’m Judy from Dallas County Tx., My husband who has left me for 7 months because of his new found mistress is back, We have been married for 14 years with 3 beautiful kids. I love my husband so much but I could not stop him. I need our marriage to work, I have read countless books on how to please your husband but none worked.
Hi everyone I’m Judy from Dallas County Tx.
Could you please pray for me. I cannot put my pains in writing now
We just passed our 13th anniversary. Where I imagine a godly couple would be joyfully reveling in their good times all I have are painful memories of his deceit and drug and alcohol abuse that started just 6 months into our marriage. He had been selfish and so hurtful. Whenever he gets “caught” hiding his addictions he becomes overly loving and kind then slowly sinks back into keeping to himself, working a lot, sleeping, not being with me and our girls.
I feel like he is a weight on my relationship with God as I spend time in the word and pay and feel uplifted but as soon as he comes around I feel like he drains it out of me.
I desperately long for a husband with spiritual “energy” that will guide and lead our family. But right now I feel like I am having to be the anchor and I’m barely keeping it all together. I hurt not just for myself but so much for our children.
My oldest daughter had ADHD and he had often stolen all of her medication causing her to suffer. She walked in on him looking at porn and I’ve caught him 2-3 times as well. I hate the environment that he had created in our home and I just wish I could take our girls and escape.
Becky— I’m heartbroken for you sister. I’m so sorry for all of the pain. <3 Addiction relationships can be very similar to abusive relationships and they are SO hard on the "victim" partner. You might find some steps forward and encouragement in this post I wrote for women in abusive relationships: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/ BLESSINGS Sister!
What if your partner is convinced that the source of the problem is you? Doesn’t that just confirm their supposition by making such an effort to change yourself to make their life better/happier? How does it actually help them or anyone by trying to be happy despite being miserable and accepting that they just “are the way they are”? I mean if the whole source of your misery and frustration is you then by all means change for the better but honestly how often does the issue lie with one partner?
Hey Sis– Gosh it sounds like you are in a very painful situation and I’m so sorry. God made you to be cherished, known, pursued and protected. I know it’s been a few months and I hope it is better now. I suspect other women have similar questions and comments to yours— so I’d love to address a few of them! Bottom line— I think you’re valuable and your life is worth finding joy in.
The reason to change for someone else is simply to honor God. If you are a woman of faith who loves the Lord, then you ultimately should seek peace and work towards submitting your own heart. But actually— I’m not only suggesting that you change to make a husband happier. I’m suggesting that you change so YOU can be happy! 🙂 I also don’t recommend fake happiness or pasting on an artificial smile. I’m saying that pressing into God, pursuing a humble heart, and working on ourselves will make us happier even in a miserable situation.
Since we can’t control our spouse– just ourselves, we have a choice to make. Be angry and bitter and continue the cycle of destruction and disconnection in our relationship, or be the catalyst for change. Dr Emerson Eggerich who co-authored “Love and Respect” always jokes that the more mature member of a relationship will be the one who decides to change and humble themselves first.
My number 1 favorite book for healthier relationships is “Keep your love on” by Danny Silk. For anyone who wants to do this very fulfilling work– it’s an awesome starting point.
Sis– PRAYERS for you!! Thanks for reading and contributing. I value your input and your heart SO much!
-Lizzie
I’ve been married for 20 years this year and I’ve had some huge realizations over the past few years. I don’t think I’ve ever been “in love” with my husband. I’m a Christian who fell into sin and got pregnant and then got married…It was for the wrong reasons. My husband does not have friends, and I’m lonely for friends. Every time I get close to someone, he picks out their every flaw and shows me reasons I shouldn’t be friends with them. Mainly, they are always not “saved” enough, or they don’t believe what we believe (even if they are questions!). He doesn’t think he needs friends at all, and the burden is getting too heavy for me to carry. I can’t be his mother or his only friend. It’s way too much pressure, and I’m so lonely. I’ve homeschooled for the last eight years, and my sons don’t have friends either, and they are lonely. We haven’t attended church since the end of 2013-beginning of 2014,, so I don’t have that outlet. We have church at home, no visitors to our house, and my husband is quite content. My sons and I are the ones who are suffering. The excuse for not having found a church yet is that they are not teaching the word of God but just a motivational message.
I’m starting to think that that’s just his excuse not to be a responsible head of the household and take us to church. Yes, I could go alone with our teens, but I’m tired of making all of the significant decisions alone, and that’s backward anyway, right? I’m a Christian who wants a break, maybe permanent, from my husband, but it’s sinful in the faith I grew up in. I don’t know how to feel or what to do…I’ve told him how I feel and asked him to step up several times over the years. He gets adamant about how’s he’s going to do something (always with a spirit of offense and an attitude), and then when things die down in about a day, he goes right back to depending on me for everything. I’m tired. I feel like I have four boys instead of 3. I feel nothing but anger towards him. I’m tired of living this way. I don’t want our sons to repeat the pattern of complacency. My sons are 19, 17, and 13. I love my sons so much, but I don’t know how to make sure they don’t follow this pattern. God, help me. Please keep me in your prayers. I am confused, hurt, angry, and lonely.
Sis– I’m so very sorry for all the pain and loneliness you’ve been living in. I can’t encourage you enough to plug into a healthy Christian community with your boys. Yes– even if your husband does not want you to go or does not want to participate. We are not to forsake the gathering together of the brethren– we need community! 🙂 The higher authority over this issue is God and from Him you have freedom to attend church and have Christian friends.
You may also want to seek out some counseling to help you navigate your relationship with your husband. The health of that relationship and how you choose to engage in it are critical to the long term choices and health of your kids. Also Sis– you deserve to be heard, validated, and to find a healthy, safe way forward.
PRAYERS!! Lizzie
I am so thankful for this article… I’m usually SO emotional the week before my period (sorry if tmi). I was in a funk today about my husband “not babying me or helping enough”. Stupid, right? I literally Googled “Husband and father sucks quotes”. And somehow I found this article from that search!! Talk about a God moment. Just wanted to say thank you.
Hi Lizzie. I have my 40th anniversary upcoming. I have 3 beautiful grown children and 5 if the most precious grands. I was on the rebound from a previous relationship and did not marry my husband for the right reasons. I have not been happy since day one. I realized that I had made a huge mistake right away.I am a Christian and I know what God says about marriage and divorce. I don’t want to break up my home. My emotions are wreaking havoc on my health. I have been praying earnestly for 8 years for God to soften my heart and let me see my spouse through His eyes. I am still struggling to the point that my strong negative emotions are breaking my health down. I feel so badly and so desperate. I don’t want to have the strong negative emotions that I have but but don’t know how to change them. I would like nothing more than to love my husband. I’ve tried everything that I know to do to change my feelings. I would appreciate prayers and any advice. Thank you so much in advance.
Hi Susan! Sister– I am SO glad you reached out– I know that took bravery and humility. I’m so sorry you have felt this pain for so long and I celebrate your perseverance and desire to keep your life in God’s hands. 🙂
First of all– I want to be clear that what I’m about to share does NOT apply if you are in an abusive relationship (physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally, or sexually– it all counts as abuse) so let me know if that is the case and we will have a very different discussion.
If you are in a safe relationship but you are just not in love with your husband, he is difficult, and/or know this is a heart issue on your part, there is SO MUCH HOPE. Seriously– it can all change for the better. I went through hell for a decade in my marriage and because I turned to God, submitted, and worked on myself, my same marriage is now a beautiful, fulfilling and safe covenant relationship. And we also got married for the wrong reasons. So take heart, Sis!
Have you heard of the Loving on Purpose ministry with Danny Silk? Based on the little bit you’ve shared, I would point you to them first. https://lovingonpurpose.com/ You can go to amazon and order the book “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk for a great start. I’d also encourage you to get some coaching with Brittney Serpell. She is my personal mentor and I think her perspective could help you tremendously. You’ve suffered in this cycle for so long that I think you should allow yourself the benefit of some help and support. Tell my buddy Brittney that Lizzie sent you. 🙂
If working with a person feels like too much (financially or emotionally)— I’d still strongly advise it if you want to find joy in your marriage more quickly. If you are not up to it though, Loving on Purpose also has wonderful online courses that can help.
Let me know if this helps! If you need more specific suggestions, just write back with your questions and I can point you to additional resources.
Susan– I’m SO PROUD of you for pressing into God and seeking healing and joy in your marriage. I really believe that this work is worth it.
Lots of love, Lizzie
I’m here as the husband of a cold, despondent, and often times cruel woman. I understand about unconditional love, but I still found this helpful. I need to get my prayer life going and start working on myself to be more patient and understanding. It is just so hard going day after day with no warmth from the person that was supposed to be my ally. She woke me up last night, after I’d gone to bed early from being totally exhausted, to ask me to go to another room because of my snoring. I have already offered to get her a high end white noise machine and bought be bluetooth earbuds that she doesn’t use. I bought her the Battlefield of the Mind Bible for her birthday and she hasn’t even cracked it open. I dedicated myself to being a better communicator and to be more patient, it just feels like nothing works. I am hopeful that the thing I missed was putting it in God’s hands. I really love my wife, but I feel that my heart is being continually emptied out into the gutter. She doesn’t want to communicate, it seems, if that means she won’t have a reason to harbor bitterness and resentment. I’ve moved us to the home she chose, I moved away from everyone I knew to serve her and our family as best I could. Yet, the cold nights continue, and who knows what secrets are being kept from me. Thank you for your help and this article.
Hello,
This is exactly where I am in my marriage. I felt at first guilty typing into google that I “freaking hate my husband” but this community gives me hope and let’s me know that there is support for these types of thoughts.
Although I do love my husband, he has not treated me with the love and respect that God desires for marriage. I have shown love, respect, empathy, forgiveness, and so much more. I’ve prayed and fasted for my marriage and husband and still only minor changes here and there. I will admit my husband is aware of his behavior towards me and has always stated I don’t deserve the way he treats me. He has stated divorce is the answer and I (in the beginning) was against it due to I didn’t feel I deserved to be divorced (especially since I’m a good wife to him), what the Word of God says, and we had no grounds of divorce.
However, at THIS POINT, I’ve had it. He continues to emotionally abusive and I’ve taken all I can take at this point. I’m ready to sign those papers. However, this hate and bitterness in my heart is not me and I’m having a hard time with the hurt I feel. I made the choice to forgive him but it still hurts because I feel like God isn’t doing anything in my situation. It’s like he gets away with all he has done to me and can now be free. It’s not fair.. where is God in this.. my husband has already moved out and I haven’t communicated with him for almost 2 weeks(what peace I have!) but still there’s that small voice saying restoration but I just don’t know what God is doing in him right now.. I just want him to hurt like I have all
This time. Please pray for me, please. I do love him but I just want to know how
This will all End. Ideally I want him to come back begging and saying he is sorry for how he treated me and that he has changed for the better and will no longer act this way towards me.
Racquel– I’m so very sorry to hear that you’ve been living through this– and so glad you reached out. God DID NOT design marriage to be this way and doesn’t will for anyone to remain in an abusive environment. I think separation was a very wise course of action. It’s totally natural for you to hope for reconciliation– I think that’s evidence of the spirit of God living in you! I would advise you to proceed with caution and even if he returns to you repentant– go through a formal reconciliation process that’s overseen by a professional who will be able to help you activate healthy boundaries and hold him accountable. (There may be areas where they’ll challenge you to grow too– and this is a great thing!)
Here are some resources:
Restoring Relationships is one of my favorite ministries for these situations and they have a bunch of free videos you can sign up for. I would particularly recommend “The Prodigal Spouse” which talks about how to handle situations like yours. https://restoringrelationships.org/free-resources/the-prodigal-spouse/
And for you– and others who might be reading– here’s my post for individuals in abusive relationships. I’m all for reconciliation! I’m a healthy product of it! BUT– it should be done with health and YOU deserve to be safe and cherished: https://www.createapeacefulhome.com/woman-whos-verbally-emotionally-sexually-andor-physically-abused/