I began my marriage as a very controlling wife. Seriously. It was my way or the highway. I never thought I’d be like that. In fact, I’d always judged other women who were controlling and thought they were nuts.
Isn’t it funny how we hate the parts of other people that we most fear are part of us?
I think phrases like “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” and “Happy wife, happy life” were coined because of women like me. It’s terrible to think about now. Who wants to leave that kind of legacy? I didn’t grow up dreaming about being a wife and mother that everyone walked on egg shells around.
I remember feeling enraged when my husband gave me any push back. I can vividly recall my anger ballooning out of control around me like one of those giant parachutes we played with as kids in gym class. I remember seething with hate and bitterness… and taking it out on the people I loved the most.
I can vividly recall my anger ballooning out of control around me like one of those giant parachutes we played with as kids in gym class.
My behavior chipped away at my husband’s patient spirit until I almost lost him. And that’s what it took for me to realize I needed to change and, more importantly, to take the tedious steps to actually change.
My Spiritual Mom since taught me that anger is fear turned outward. She says that you only get mad at two types of people— you either have road rage because you’ll never see the person again or you blow up at the people closest to you because you trust them enough to see your pain. If only we could learn how to ask for their help with our pain rather than punish them with our anger. If only they could learn how to come into our pain with us and help us to take it before the Lord and receive healing.
I had to do some real hunting to find the right tools (and people) to guide me. The stakes were high. We needed dramatic help FAST. I found it frustrating and terrifying that there seemed to be no clear path to take. But I realize now, on the other side, that the reason it’s hard to find help is because so few people have gone before us. The journey through our heart is the road less traveled. It’s why they say the top is a lonely place. Lots of people know they need to change, but it’s only the powerful few who are willing to do the heavy lifting.
I wish I could give you a complete checklist right here and now to help you change, it’s just not a one and done issue.
It takes soul searching.
It takes humility.
It takes personal inner healing.
It takes God.
Here are a few of my very favorite books and resources that I recommend all the time. The one that really changed everything is the Restoring Relationships Ministry. (Here’s our story of healing and more info about the ministry.)
I can’t even compare the woman I was with the woman I am now. I finally really like me. 🙂 And so does my hubby and my family. That controlling nut job… long gone. That woman everyone tipped-toed around? Ancient history. That all-consuming rage? Replaced with peace and joy. Don’t get me wrong, I have the occasional slip up, but I know how to right the ship quickly. What used to fester for months can be resolved in a few hours or less.
Real quick—if you are in a relationship where you are being verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused— please read this post instead. I have a very different and specific message for you.
I can’t even compare the woman I was with the woman I am now. I finally really like me.
Please hear me. In a world full of quick fixes, checklists, and easy ways out… I want to be clear that real lasting change and healing takes sacrifice. I worked my butt off— on me, and you’ll have to do the same. But I’m here to testify that everything can change.
Pastor Myles Munroe said, “The thing that makes you most angry in the world is the problem you were born to solve.” That’s why I created Peaceful Home and, in particular, this blog. I am angry (in a healthy way) at the divorce rate. I’m angry that people live in bondage their whole lives simply because they don’t know how to get out of it. There is nothing I care more about than you and your family. I am overwhelmed with a passion to help you live out God’s plan for your life. I am driven by the desire to lead even one more family to victory, restoration, and healing. And I won’t stop until I leave this earth.